The Midults: I'm jealous of my wife's relationship with her brother

Telegraph

6 hours ago

Dear A&E,
My wife of two years comes from a small, close family and has a very intense relationship with her brother. They speak at least twice a day, go out for 'just us' dinners weekly and have so many in-jokes that it can be hard to feel included in their conversation. I used to think it was wonderful but I'm starting to find it weird and to feel jealous of this unwavering closeness. I don't know if I even have the right to question the situation but it's making me angry with both of them and less able to be intimate with my wife. What do I do?
– Bothered
Dear Bothered,
Other people's families are, almost without exception, deeply weird to us. Every family has its own emotional ecosystem; speaks another language; lives by its own ingrained code of conduct. We find the commonalities, as best we can, but we remain outsiders. And, if we interfere, more often than not, we become the problem. The enemy. The weirdo. It turns into the grown-up version of, ' I can say I hate my mum, but you can't.' However justified your discomfort may be, you are wise to proceed with caution.
To some, this level of connection might be dysfunctional. To others it is just a happy sibling situation. And much of that judgement will depend upon the lens through which it is viewed. It seems to us that you are feeling unsafe in some way and maybe you are looking for reasons why. You are – rightly – looking to explain how and why this odd hollowness has opened up in your marriage. You feel neglected. De-prioritised. In your longer letter you say that you are now working entirely from home. Do you, perhaps, feel isolated? Are you envious of the relationship (you have one brother who you see twice a year at family gatherings)? Do you feel resentful of the lack of attention for your wife? This is all to say that what has changed seems to be your relationship with her rather than her relationship with her brother.
Often the concerns we have very early in our relationships (annoyingly labelled, ' red flags ') will be the problems that rise up and cause huge problems further down the line. Indeed, some say that within half an hour you can identify what could, eventually, break you up. But it's only recently that this relationship has bothered you. Previously you thought 'it was wonderful'. What is it that has suddenly started to make you feel so uncomfortable? Can you take a moment for pause and really think about that? This is not to say that you are the problem but you might as well let the solution begin with you. Does she need to make room in her relationship with her brother to help you feel better about… what?
We always want to feel like the first choice and absolute priority with our romantic partners but how do we untangle romantic partnerships, and what we expect from them, with family relationships and what we expect from them? Sibling relationships are – hopefully – the longest human connections we shall ever experience. They deserve to be treated like the precious things they are. But feeling excluded is lonely and feeds resentment.
Where does this leave us? On sensitive ground, that's where. Of course you could say, 'Your secret jokes make me feel left out,' but how will that help? Could it open up all manner of neuroses and umbrages? Mightn't it be better to concentrate on your own relationship with your wife? Her brother is in your life but he is not in your marriage. And, if you are having trouble having sex with your wife, we would suggest that could either be because you do not feel cherished and seen (a feeling exacerbated by her closeness to her brother), or there are other problems around your connection to her and that is where the shifting sands are happening. Her attachment to her brother has been a constant since you met her. That has not changed. But your feelings have.
Who are we to say how much a person should see their mother or brother or cousin or friend? A balance must be struck and it is not an exact science. But balances tend to be established through investigation, compassion and understanding. Look after yourself, Bothered. Exercise. See your friends. Plan dates and a holiday with the wife that you love. Take her brother out for beer/coffee/tennis/cinema. In other words, dive into these relationships in your life. Re-access the enrichment and the joy that they deliver. Don't strip your life away to the bare bones of disquiet and indignation. Find the abundance. Few things about humans or families are simple. Acceptance and embrace of those intricacies can be what delivers the fulfilment, in the end.