WATCH: Sam Pang's savage opening monologue at Logies
'Good evening everyone and welcome to Australian television's night of nights, the 65th Annual TV Week Logie Awards. Firstly I would like to acknowledge the Gadigal people of the traditional land and pay my respects to elders both past and present. I extend that respect to all First Nations people here today.
One more time put your hands together for living legend Jimmy Barnes. Jimmy Barnes singing Working Class Man… welcome to the 1985 Logies. I'm your host Greg Evans. Working Class Man – I cant think of a song that has less of a connection to the people in this room tonight.
It is once again a huge honour to be your host tonight, and its inspiring world in as much turmoil as it is right now, that we as an industry have not wavered in our commitment and bravery in coming together tonight to honour ourselves. … This is my third time hosting so hopefully thats enough Kerri-Anne Kennerley to stop calling me Anh Do.
We're here tonight to celebrate excellence in Australian television and what a year it's been. Fisk, Bluey, The Newsreader, Territory, Apple Cider Vinegar, The Twelve, Colin from Accounts, Lego Masters, Home and Away, Have You Been Paying Attention and Channel 9s Olympics coverage all made for another wonderful year and one the industry can be very proud of.
Congratulations to Bluey which was the most streamed show in the world this past year. What an achievement. Bluey is massive in the United States and is officially the watched America, just ahead of a school shooting safety video.
I'd like to point out that there's a new award this year, the Ray Martin Award for Most Popular News or Public Affairs Reporter, of course named after the legend Ray Martin. A journalist for over 60 years, even at the age of 80, he remains one of this country's most inquisitive minds, Ray is always asking questions. Even tonight, I saw him on the red carpet and he asked me, 'Sam, Where am I ?' Ray and have a great night, rest in peace.
The popularity of dating shows continued this year and I've long been of the opinion that romantic than a televised overly produced quest for love. There's two that stand above the rest. Farmer Wants A Wife – which has an incredible success rate. Over its 15 seasons, the show has resulted in 11 marriages and 27 children – meaning it is now officially the main way for farmers in this country to get screwed outside of Coles and Woolies.
And of course, my favourite, Married at First Sight, in its 12th season. And the big story this year was when Paul punched a hole in a wall after finding out his TV wife slept with a rapper. A story as old time. By the way a hole in the wall is something most of the contestants would be very familiar with. This season MAFS was criticised for breaching ethical standards – producers strongly defending themselves saying every contestant had to undergo a Mental Health evaluation, an STI test and IQ test – and if they failed all of those, they were on.
We all know MAFS is famous for its debaucherous dinner parties – never miss a Sunday night, and Ive actually got an idea for next season – I think they should cast the mushroom lady as the caterer.
After 16 years, a television institution, The Project, aired its last episode in June. An amazing run. It undoubtedly delivered news differently – where else could you get updates on the war in Syria… from Dave Hughes.
Channel Ten replaced The Project with 10News+, which is like the Titanic replaced with the OceanGate Submarine. Game shows and quiz shows are all the rage. One of the most popular is Dancing With The Stars, where viewers try to guess is the dancer, and which one is the star.
The Voice is about to launch its 14th season. New coaches include Sporty Spice Mel C and Richard Marx. What are the odds of both of them being available? Richard… welcome and I hope you have a wonderful night. Big fan but I think we both know you answered the phone on the first ring.
SBS, our most diverse network, celebrates 50 years! Happy Birthday to my old employer and its worth noting that before SBS, many Australians had never seen a Serbian penis.
Congratulations to Karl Stefanovic who this year is celebrating 20 years on The Today Show. Sincerely Karl, well done on 20 informative, entertaining and underpaid co-hosts.
After a hugely popular win last year Larry Emdur is not nominated for gold this year. Many people have questioned why? Well, it hurts me to say Larry but frankly the industry just couldn't afford the optics of you being the gold standard for two years in a row. Larry goes from winner to not even nominated. Hard to think of a channel 7 game show host with a bigger fall from grace in recent years. Anyway, have a good night and enjoy the free feed. the night will culminate in the presentation of the Gold Logie. Thats right, in little over 9 hours time, the winner of the Gold Logie will be announced.
Congratulations to the six incredible women who are nominated tonight. It really is inspiring to see what you've all achieved since Katy Perry went to space. Lets take a look at the Big 7. Sonia Kruger is nominated again. Last year Larry Emdur famously promised that if he won he'd have the names of the other Gold nominees tattooed on his behind. This year, Sonia has promised that if she wins, shell deliver a coherent speech.
Lynne McGranger is nominated after 33 years on Home and Away. As we all know, Lynne is leaving the Theres a lot of speculation about how her character Irene will depart.Lynne has been working with the writers on her farewell story, and in a Logies exclusive I can reveal that – Irene is set to die tragically but happily, during an orgy with the Summer Bay Under 21s rugby team… A story as old as time.
Julia Morris is nominated again for Gold. This funny, talented woman has been nominated several times for the Gold Logie, but never won. I said those exact words last year and I mustremember to use them again next year. I have it on good authority won't be here next year, don't worry.
Lisa Millar from the ABC is nominated for the first time. Lisa is the host of Muster Dogs: Where Are They Now? – I have to say Lisa, I dont know if Ive ever been less interested in the answer to a question.
Ally Langdon from Channel 9 is up for Gold. One of Australia's pre-eminent journalists for over 20 years, Ally has said a vote for her is a vote for all the incredible people who make A Current Affair possible the producers, the crew, the dodgy plumbers, casanova conmen and the neighbours from hell.
Two time winner Hamish Blake is nominated again for Lego Masters. I voted for Hamish not because I don't support women, but because I want to see him deliver the most awkward acceptance speech of all time. Hamish, good luck and now you know how it feels to be the diversity pick.
And finally, Poh Ling Yeow, is nominated for Gold. … You should be easy to find in this room! Poh is the first Asian to take home Gold, apart from prospector Chung Lee Wong who struck gold in Ballarat in 1854. Good to have a horse in the race. Many of you may not know but Poh and I go way back… to the Ming dynasty.'
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