Asking Eric: My friend is a hoarder
Dear Eric: I have a friend of several decades and recently learned she is a hoarder. We always met outside our homes for coffee or lunch. I just assumed it was more convenient.
A few months ago, she texted to tell me she's been embarrassed for me to find out her 'secret'. She also asked me for help. I was thrilled and offered to help, but she refused to make a commitment.
Later I found out her therapist insisted she reach out to a friend for help. She also confessed she had no intention of letting me near her house. Her mother and daughter are quick to express their disgust at her 'problem,' making her shame worse.
I feel nothing but compassion for my friend. I'd leave the problem alone except my friend does a fair amount of animal rescue, particularly cats and kittens. She said one of the rooms in her house is covered with uncleaned feces and mice droppings. I'm worried about her health. Pushing my friend will only make her withdraw. I can't call authorities as we live in a small town, and she is a well-respected educator. Do you have any suggestions?
– Hoarder's Friend
Dear Friend: There are avenues for help but, as with any other compulsive behavior, she has to be willing to take a step toward them. You might give her the book 'Buried in Treasure, Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving and Hoarding' by David F. Tolin, Randy O. Frost and Gail Steketee, and even ask if she'd be willing to do a 'book club' with you about it. Perhaps reading a chapter a month or a week. You might also suggest she give herself the homework of discussing the chapter with her therapist.
Additionally, it may be time to reach out to someone else who has more extensive training. I know you don't want to expose her to public scrutiny or embarrassment, but the threat to her health and the health of her pets may necessitate bringing in some authorities. Shame can be managed, the loss of life can't and many people who hoard live in places that pose extreme risk for fire and can trap themselves or firefighters inside.
Your local or state health department will have resources for people who hoard. Many have so-called 'hoarding task forces' with connections to police, fire and mental health support. Often, they're trained in sensitivity and discretion. I encourage you to reach out.
Dear Eric: I have two casual friends who long ago moved to different parts of the country, but who have sent me messages every couple of months for many years. These are not friends I would ever visit or even call on the phone, and they seem to feel the same.
They have written that they 'want to keep in touch,' yet their messages contain nothing more than a greeting followed by a perfunctory response, like 'been busy,' when I ask what they've been up to.
I used to offer details about work, my hobbies, my spouse, and where I've traveled on vacations, without acknowledgment or reciprocation on their part. Frankly, I don't see this as keeping in touch at all. Would it be rude, after all these years, to stop writing them back?
– Why Bother
Dear Why Bother: Some people, especially in the age of a quick text message or email, are satisfied with a simple greeting. Others, like yourself (and me, frankly), want a little more substance in the correspondence.
The sentiment is lovely, true, but if it's feeling more empty than fulfilling for you, it's fine to pivot.
You have a few options. You can reply with equally perfunctory well-wishes, thereby managing your expectations of the friendship and avoiding resentment. You can, as you suggested, let it peter out by not replying. Or you can address it directly – 'I'd love to hear more about what's going on with you. Care to give me an update?'
In answer to your question, I don't think it's especially rude to let the sporadic texts go unanswered, but it does leave a loose social thread. Better, sometimes, to say what's on your mind.
Dear Eric: I have some advice for the person who took her mother-in-law on a girls trip and her mother-in-law complained the whole time ('Trip Gone Wrong').
My own MIL was very passive-aggressive in a similar way. I spent 35 years trying to please her and it never worked. Finally, in year 36, I decided to stop bending over backwards trying to please her.
I finally realized I had to accept the type of person she was, and I created an atmosphere of cordiality that worked for me.
– New Peace
Dear New Peace: This is so wise. We can't change others, but we can change how we respond to the actions of others.
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Dear Eric: I have a friend of several decades and recently learned she is a hoarder. We always met outside our homes for coffee or lunch. I just assumed it was more convenient. A few months ago, she texted to tell me she's been embarrassed for me to find out her 'secret'. She also asked me for help. I was thrilled and offered to help, but she refused to make a commitment. Later I found out her therapist insisted she reach out to a friend for help. She also confessed she had no intention of letting me near her house. Her mother and daughter are quick to express their disgust at her 'problem,' making her shame worse. I feel nothing but compassion for my friend. I'd leave the problem alone except my friend does a fair amount of animal rescue, particularly cats and kittens. She said one of the rooms in her house is covered with uncleaned feces and mice droppings. I'm worried about her health. Pushing my friend will only make her withdraw. I can't call authorities as we live in a small town, and she is a well-respected educator. Do you have any suggestions? – Hoarder's Friend Dear Friend: There are avenues for help but, as with any other compulsive behavior, she has to be willing to take a step toward them. You might give her the book 'Buried in Treasure, Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving and Hoarding' by David F. Tolin, Randy O. Frost and Gail Steketee, and even ask if she'd be willing to do a 'book club' with you about it. Perhaps reading a chapter a month or a week. You might also suggest she give herself the homework of discussing the chapter with her therapist. Additionally, it may be time to reach out to someone else who has more extensive training. I know you don't want to expose her to public scrutiny or embarrassment, but the threat to her health and the health of her pets may necessitate bringing in some authorities. Shame can be managed, the loss of life can't and many people who hoard live in places that pose extreme risk for fire and can trap themselves or firefighters inside. Your local or state health department will have resources for people who hoard. Many have so-called 'hoarding task forces' with connections to police, fire and mental health support. Often, they're trained in sensitivity and discretion. I encourage you to reach out. Dear Eric: I have two casual friends who long ago moved to different parts of the country, but who have sent me messages every couple of months for many years. These are not friends I would ever visit or even call on the phone, and they seem to feel the same. They have written that they 'want to keep in touch,' yet their messages contain nothing more than a greeting followed by a perfunctory response, like 'been busy,' when I ask what they've been up to. I used to offer details about work, my hobbies, my spouse, and where I've traveled on vacations, without acknowledgment or reciprocation on their part. Frankly, I don't see this as keeping in touch at all. Would it be rude, after all these years, to stop writing them back? – Why Bother Dear Why Bother: Some people, especially in the age of a quick text message or email, are satisfied with a simple greeting. Others, like yourself (and me, frankly), want a little more substance in the correspondence. The sentiment is lovely, true, but if it's feeling more empty than fulfilling for you, it's fine to pivot. You have a few options. You can reply with equally perfunctory well-wishes, thereby managing your expectations of the friendship and avoiding resentment. You can, as you suggested, let it peter out by not replying. Or you can address it directly – 'I'd love to hear more about what's going on with you. Care to give me an update?' In answer to your question, I don't think it's especially rude to let the sporadic texts go unanswered, but it does leave a loose social thread. Better, sometimes, to say what's on your mind. Dear Eric: I have some advice for the person who took her mother-in-law on a girls trip and her mother-in-law complained the whole time ('Trip Gone Wrong'). My own MIL was very passive-aggressive in a similar way. I spent 35 years trying to please her and it never worked. Finally, in year 36, I decided to stop bending over backwards trying to please her. I finally realized I had to accept the type of person she was, and I created an atmosphere of cordiality that worked for me. – New Peace Dear New Peace: This is so wise. We can't change others, but we can change how we respond to the actions of others.
