‘I was heartbroken when my husband asked me for a divorce, but he was right'

Telegraph

3 days ago

Divorce as a turning point
My experience led me to realise that I had avoided difficult conversations throughout our relationship. It inspired me to train as a break-up and divorce coach to help other people navigate this difficult time of life. I realised that children do not need us to pretend everything is perfect. They need us to be steady, truthful and present. They need us to guide them through change with love and clarity.
When I look back on those years, and at the strong, kind young people my children have become, I no longer see my divorce as a failure. I see it as a turning point. I see it as the beginning of a new kind of courage. I admire the bravery my husband showed that day when he told me the truth. He was not happy. He wanted to leave. At the time, I could not hear him. It took seven years for his words to settle and find their place in me. Now I recognise their truth. I am grateful to him for speaking them, and I realise he was right.
Eve's tips for navigating a healthy divorce
Tune out the noise of other people
When I used to try to speak to friends about the problems in my relationship, they'd respond with platitudes like: 'Oh, but he loves you', rather than asking how I was feeling. In society, we're taught to applaud people who have been married for a long time. Remember that a long relationship is not always a good relationship. Society often celebrates longevity over quality. Just because a relationship has lasted a long time does not mean it has been healthy or fulfilling. Sometimes, it has lasted because problems were avoided, not solved. Try to tune out the noise of other people telling you that everything is fine and trust your own gut.
Allow yourself to grieve
A separation is an emotional earthquake for everyone involved. Allow yourself to feel the grief cycle, which is anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The grief process is a very big part of divorce and breakup. There's a loss of the future that you thought you were going to have together, a loss of the past that you've had together because all of a sudden, it looks like it wasn't any good, a loss of your partner's family. It's normal and healthy to grieve what you've lost in the process. Whether you're the one initiating the separation or the one who is being left, there is loss, grief, and uncertainty. Being open about this and getting good emotional support, especially in the early stages, can stop those feelings turning into conflict.
Separate the problem from the person
Avoid framing the other person as the problem. Instead, talk about the challenges as shared issues that both partners are responsible for addressing. If someone refuses to engage in problem-solving, it remains their responsibility. You can name this clearly without blame. Try not to blame, shame or seek a villain: empathy will help to de-escalate the situation.
Try to listen without judging
You don't have to agree with the other person, but if you can really listen to what they are saying, it can take the heat out of the conflict. Active listening is one of the most effective de-escalation tools available. Remember that there are few relationships where one party is faultless: like a driving safety course, where people think everyone else is the dangerous driver and they are the only safe driver in the room. This is rarely the case.
Talk about practicalities before telling the kids
Before any changes are made that might impact children's lives, such as moving house or changing schools, discuss the financial and living arrangements calmly and constructively. Doing this early can help create a smoother path for all involved. Work out your arrangements before you break the news to your kids. A clear plan will help them to feel calmer. Remember that children are navigating their own world, with friendships, school and exams, so the more consistency you can offer during family transitions, the more secure they will feel. Speak to them openly, age-appropriately, and with care for their emotional experience.
Speak to a divorce coach, not a lawyer
Lawyers are there to give (expensive!) legal advice, not to give life advice. The legal process leads to an escalation of conflict. Lawyers cannot help you process the emotions of your divorce: that's what a coach is for. Good coaching helps regulate emotional overwhelm, supports ethical and clear communication, and helps you act with integrity, clarity and compassion, even when things feel chaotic. Speak to someone who understands separation and divorce well. Get clear on what really matters to you. Grief can cloud your judgement. Objects, homes and habits carry emotional weight. You do not have to let go of everything, but clarity helps you choose what to hold on to.