Opinion: Top Dating Tips For the Future MAGA Faithful in D.C.
What makes me qualified to give dating and sex advice? It's been 30 years since I was a D.C. political consultant. And even longer since I had sex. But I live in Hollywood, and show business pickup lines are easily adapted to the Capitol. Case in point:
Hollywood: I may have a part for you in my next movie. Come to my hotel room at 2 a.m.to read the script.
D.C.: I may have some district spending for you. Come to my office at 2 a.m. to read the bill.
Or there's:
Hollywood: Did I tell you that Steven Spielberg likes my script?
D.C.: Did I tell you Steve Bannon liked my Project 2025 proposal on the best ways for bankers to foreclose on widows and orphans?
See, it's perfect. So, here's some tip tips for all the power-hungry, love-lorn players out there.
Like buying a house or getting a vasectomy, the three things that matter most when looking to lock down a love connection are location, location and location. You want to be at a spot where the action is, close to your office in the White House so that you can walk your new friend back for a private tour or, you know, Senate hearing room sex tape. The bar at The Willard is perfect, but also don't rule out The Mayflower—where you can take your new flame up to the Elliot Spitzer room for some 'socks on' action.
When you see your 'target' across the room, remember these three basic rules:
If you think Kristi Noem is smiling at you, it's just the Botox.
90% of the time a MAGA hat is worn to cover male pattern baldness.
Always ask for two proofs of citizenship—you want to be the one to handcuff your date, after all, not ICE.
Checked those boxes? Open the conversation. Some lines to consider:
'I'd like to storm you like the Capitol.'
'I want to do to you what the Big Beautiful Bill did to people on Medicaid.'
'Oh that? RFK Jr. told me it's just a cold sore.'
Once your target is hooked—and of course they will be if you're spitting fire like the above—you need to move things along. You could talk about why the Ten Commandments should be posted in the bedroom, so you know which ones to break. You could keep things fun with an icebreaker game—like playing 'kiss, marry kill', but with 'depose, arrest, deport' categories. (First name: Rosie O'Donnell.) And make sure to use sexy euphemisms to pique their interest: 'I'm known as the majority whip,' say, or 'my package has stimulus.'
At this point you have primed the pump, so to speak. Don't worry about picking up the check, you're surrounded by lobbyists. Rather, you just need to close the deal—and make it fast, because you never know when a Truth Social rant is going to upend the government and leave you pulling the wrong kind of all-nighter:
'Why don't we go somewhere it's totally empty so we can be alone? I've got tickets to a 2028 Ron DeSantis rally.'
'Into some role-play? Let me pretend to be Venezuelan and sneak across your southern border.'
'Trust me, it's just a cold sore.'
So now you're back at your apartment. The deed has been done and you need to say something to ease that post-coital tension. Don't admit to losing your virginity at 27, even if you're convinced it was their first time at the rodeo too. Try these lines instead:
For a woman: 'You're almost as good as President Trump.'
For a man: 'You're almost as good as Lauren Boebert during the second act of Beetlejuice.'
But let's be honest, no-one wants to remain either under the desk or in the same bed for more than 5 minutes with a one-night stand. I recommend any/all of these lines ahead of a graceful edit, leaving open the possibility of a sequel without making a commitment. MAGA is the party of family values and trad wives, after all, but there's no need to have a wedding registry just yet—unless you really need a crockpot.
'I have to go now and do some housework. ICE arrested my maid.'
'Wow, I'm more tired than Joe Biden walking up a flight of steps.' (Then fake a yawn, fake falling asleep and begin to snore.)
'Actually, it's not really just a cold sore.'
I hope this has been enormously helpful—it sure should be. By following my advice, and using my lines, you future leaders of America will find out that you don't need to be a member of Congress to service a constituent, seal a backroom deal and press the flesh.
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