What do you actually owe your in-laws?

Vox

2 days ago

Anna can't exactly pinpoint when her relationship with her sister-in-law started to sour. Rather, it was a slow unraveling.
When the two met over 20 years ago through their now-husbands, who are brothers, Anna actually preferred spending time with her future sister-in-law. 'We would hang out all the time,' says Anna, who is being referred to by her middle name so she can speak freely about her family. 'I would get through being with him just to hang out with her.'
Anna and her sister-in-law also had a common enemy: their husbands' parents. At family gatherings, they'd steal away with a glass of wine and whisper, 'Can you believe they said that?' The women could compare notes about their mother-in-law's latest insult or how their father-in-law constantly belittled his wife.
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Unlike Anna, 47, who largely kept her concerns to herself, her sister-in-law was vocal about her dislike for their in-laws. This rubbed Anna's husband the wrong way and ultimately drove a wedge between the two families.
Now, they live an hour away and only see each other a handful of times a year. And when they do, it's awkward, Anna says. Her kids are no longer close with their cousins. Whenever Anna's sister-in-law invites her family on trips to amusement parks, they decline but end up going anyway — without them — and then lying about why they couldn't coordinate plans.
'I just hate the dishonesty,' Anna says. 'The worst part for me is pretending everything is fine when clearly everybody in the room knows it's not fine.'
The relationship one has with their in-laws can be fraught and perplexing, friendly and intimate, polite and distant.
The relationship one has with their in-laws can be fraught and perplexing, friendly and intimate, polite and distant. They're not the people you've chosen to bind yourself to, but you're still inextricably linked as long as you're with your partner. In-laws enjoy all the trappings and status of family, but aren't quite. Spending time with them can feel obligatory and not totally enjoyable. At the same time, there are no clearly defined expectations for what in-law relationships should look like, beyond the stereotypes.
So what do you owe your partner's families of origin? They may not be your family, but they're probably going to be in your life in some form or fashion. They might never be a proxy for your own mother or sibling, but that doesn't mean they can't come close.
The in-law stereotype
As long as people have married, they have inherited their spouse's family. For centuries, parents aimed to pair their children based on the reputation, power, and wealth of a neighboring family, to create alliances through marriage. In many cultures worldwide, newlyweds typically moved in or near the husband's family. 'The aim of marriage was to acquire useful in-laws or gain political or economic advantage,' writes Stephanie Coontz in the 2005 book Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage. By the 1920s, Coontz writes, 'marital privacy was more important than adults' ties with their parents' and, as a result, the number of couples who lived with their parents dropped precipitously over the first half of the 20th century.
As couples established themselves as independent entities, in-laws — especially mothers-in-law — came to be seen as prying interlopers, as evidenced in the 1954 book In Laws, Pro & Con. 'Many a mother-in-law sounds baffled, bewildered, and bitter in her role,' wrote the book's author Evelyn Millis Duvall. 'She reports that anything she does is misconstrued by her sons- and daughters-in-law. If she leaves them alone, she is being neglectful; if she is nice to them, she is being twofaced; if she appears interested in what they are doing, she is meddling; if she keeps out of their affairs, she is not interested in them — she just can't win!'
Since then, the cultural view of in-laws in America has stayed remarkably consistent, says Sylvia Mikucki-Enyart, an associate professor of communication studies at the University of Iowa. The caricature of the overbearing mother-in-law still has strong cultural sway — TV and movie representations abound. In real life, there are entire Reddit communities dedicated to meddlesome 'MILs.' Now, try to think of a single well-known father-in-law joke.
'In-law relationships are this weird between place of being family but not being the same intensity of family as family origin.'
Beyond these broad stereotypes, cultural and familial expectations and traditions influence the in-law relationship. For instance, daughters-in-law in Asian American families reported feeling anxious, angry, and confused as a result of their in-laws' traditional cultural expectations to be subservient and deferential, according to one study. Other research found that among Black families, sons-in-law sharing interests with their fathers-in-law and making an effort to engage in family activities helped strengthen their bond.
The way you interact with your in-laws is largely shaped by your partner's example. After all, if it weren't for them, you probably wouldn't have any connection to these people at all. Marrying someone who has a history of regularly spending time with their family of origin is a strong indication that you'll likely see more of these people in the future. 'I would take my guide from my wife,' says Geoffrey Greif, a distinguished university professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and co-author of In-Law Relationships: Mothers, Daughters, Fathers, and Sons. 'How close does she want me to be with her father and mother?'
These expectations shouldn't come as a surprise — they're almost certain to come up while a couple is dating. As the relationship progresses and you gain insight into your partner's familial ties, you may learn how much they value weekly hangouts with their siblings or big gatherings for holidays. A close-knit family dynamic can, for some, be a green flag.
Early on in his relationship with his now-wife Melli, Steven Schenberg, a 37-year-old in transportation logistics in Chicago, realized they'd not only be marrying each other but also each other's families.
Within the first few months of dating, Schenberg grabbed dinner with one of Melli's sisters, attended the family's annual New Year's Day brunch, and slept on the floor of the hotel room Melli shared with her sisters at a wedding. Melli's brother is now one of Schenberg's best friends — a friendship that likely wouldn't have happened had they not met through Melli. Schenberg credits the closeness he maintains with his wife's family as part luck, part shared values. 'I was raised in a tight family nucleus,' he says. 'Melli was the same way.'
The weird in-between space in-laws occupy
Just because in-laws occupy a place of prominence in your partner's life doesn't necessarily guarantee them a similarly intimate space in yours. After all, you lack a deep shared history. There's always a degree to which you'll always play catch-up. 'In-law relationships are this weird between place of being family but not being the same intensity of family as family origin,' says Gretchen Perry, an associate professor of social work at the University of Northern British Columbia. 'When you have conflict, often, there's less tolerance for the intensity of that conflict [than] with your own family of origin.'
And these relationships can be primed for conflict: too involved in-laws, absent in-laws, pushy in-laws, cheap in-laws, too-invested-in-their-traditions in-laws. Because there are fewer cultural norms offering a clear example of normative in-law relationships in Western societies, Mikucki-Enyart says, uncertainty abounds. 'Versus other cultures where when you get married, you go live with your husband's family and you're deferential to your mother-in-law,' she says. 'There are other cultures where it's very clearly outlined how these in-law relationships go, and in the US, we really don't have that.'
In her research, Mikucki-Enyart has observed two types of uncertainty arise within in-law relationships: relational uncertainty (What kind of relationship do I want with this person? How often do we interact?) and family level uncertainty (How do we balance time with each family? How will grandparents interact with children?) The latter is usually more impactful, Mikucki-Enyart says, especially when grandchildren enter the picture. If a parent-in-law is uncertain about how best to help their adult child and their spouse care for their own kids, they may sacrifice closeness with their grandkids.
'There are other cultures where it's very clearly outlined how these in-law relationships go, and in the US, we really don't have that.'
Mother-in-law relationships are typically the ones that are more fraught, at least in heterosexual relationships. This is because mothers have more points of contact within families. Women are still socialized and are expected to carry the bulk of child rearing and kin keeping, Mikucki-Enyart says, and a scarcity mindset pits mothers against their child's partner. 'There's not enough for all of us,' she says. 'We have to fight for a position and a spot, which leads to…it's either her or me. Not 'no, we can both love him and have individual relationships with this linchpin person.'' The recent 'boy mom' phenomenon only further ties a mother's identity to her male children — the trope suggests that relinquishing her son to a romantic partner means a woman losing a part of herself, too.
Fathers-in-law, meanwhile, are seen as protectors. 'Men aren't involved in these relational roles, or their protectiveness is fulfilling their role,' Mikucki-Enyart says.
How to have a pleasant-enough relationship with your in-laws
Discuss how you want the relationship to look: As your relationship gets serious, talk with your partner about the relationship you hope to have with each set of parents. Set boundaries, too. How will you celebrate holidays? How will you address potential issues with the other's parents? If you plan on having children, how much access will each set of grandparents have? How often will you spend time with extended families? What will you do if parents want to see you more than you'd like? You might also have this conversation with your (future) in-laws if you're comfortable. It's never too late to have these talks.
Determine how you'll navigate conflict: The blood relative is always responsible for smoothing over any conflicts. They should never throw their partner under the bus when bringing up concerns to their family of origin. Try using 'I' or 'we' statements: 'We love it when you visit, but could you give us a heads up next time?'
Be prepared for compromises: Building a new family unit requires renegotiating old rituals. If your in-laws want you to come to their house for the holidays out of tradition, but you want to see your family, too, suggest alternatives: you'll go to their house for Thanksgiving and your parents for Christmas or Hanukkah.
The more you buy into the cliches, the more they become self-fulfilling prophecies. 'Parents, especially mothers-in-law, are really in this damned if they do, damned if they don't position,' Mikucki-Enyart says. 'They're very aware of the negative stereotype surrounding them. So sometimes then they'll go to the extreme and really, give the couple space. ... Then children are like, 'Well, my mother-in-law doesn't even reach out, she doesn't even care,' and when she does, it's too much.'
What do we owe in-laws?
Whether an in-law falls under the umbrella of kin depends on how you define family. Those with a more narrow view of family — spouse and children — may be less inclined to bend over backwards to appease their mother-in-law. Still, in most cases, it's worth maintaining at least a cordial relationship with your in-laws for the benefit of your spouse or children.
That's assuming you're treated with the same respect.
Rina, a 31-year-old who works in hotel customer service in Toronto, used to consider her husband's sister someone reliable, someone worth confiding in. But over time, Rina's sister-in-law cut off contact with her, despite maintaining daily calls with her brother. At family gatherings, Rina's sister-in-law would ignore her and never told her kids to call her Aunt Rina. Recently, Rina's sister-in-law introduced her new baby to everyone in the family — except Rina. She was heartbroken.
Rina, whose last name is being withheld so she can speak freely about her family, told her husband that his sister's actions made her feel like an outcast. 'He sees the problem,' Rina says in an email, 'and really wanted to help out.' He offered to talk to his sister, but Rina stopped him. It would only cause more drama.
Related How to set boundaries with grandparents
Knowing your in-laws, flaws and all, helps blunt the pain of any slights. In her research examining relationships between mothers- and daughters-in-law of East Asian descent, psychologist Angela Gwak found that though they were stressed by their mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law learned to cope with them over time. 'They've learned to accept them, but not like [their] family of origin,' Gwak says, 'but just learn to coexist together. The stress is less jarring because they know and can predict how they would respond to certain circumstances or situations.'
Proof (and perhaps solace) that you may not be able to completely live without your in-laws, but you can learn to live with them.