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The Guardian
an hour ago
- Health
- The Guardian
‘There are times I feel I hate them': how siblings can clash over end-of-life care for elderly parents
When Anna's* parents came to visit last year, she was determined to give them a relaxing holiday in her Queensland beach town. She'd been worried about them – her Mum had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and her dad had been having frequent falls. For years she'd been trying to get them to talk about whether they needed to move to aged care, to assess their financial situation and face what was coming next, but they'd dismissed her, saying they were fine. On the first day of their visit, Anna's dad fell and broke his leg, badly. 'He went into hospital and Mum came and stayed with me. I realised what they'd been covering up. Mum was so confused she was walking around the house without any pants on, which was confronting for my teenage boys. She didn't know what day it was and she couldn't read a clock. Then the hospital told me Dad was withdrawing from alcohol and had some dementia.' Anna moved her parents to a nearby aged care centre while her sister packed up the family home. The sisters had always had some issues in their relationship but the stress of seeing their parents so vulnerable, of selling the house and working through the financial situation, led to harsh words and hurtful accusations. Anna's sister told their parents they were arguing. 'They were distraught. It was awful. I had to set some boundaries, and I just stopped all communication.' Caregiving can expose cracks in families and widen them to caverns. Since I've been working in this area, I've heard many stories like Anna's and spoken to experts about how families can fall apart just when they need to come together. There's often resentment about the burden of care on one child, conflict around the pressure of making huge decisions and the horror of the 'sad-min' of form filling. Issues around money are particularly messy. And families who have had past conflict and trauma are particularly at risk. Sign up for a weekly email featuring our best reads Research released on Thursday by online care platform Violet reveals the depth of anxiety surrounding Australia's ageing population and gives insights into families who love deeply but plan poorly. Its poll of a thousand people found more than three-quarters of Australians are concerned that caregiving will damage their relationships with family members and 70% worry about managing past family conflicts and unresolved trauma when caregiving. Previous studies have shown 45% of caregivers experience relatively serious conflict with another family member, usually because one sibling tends to carry the heaviest load. Each statistic tells a unique and personal story of relationship breakdown, resentment and real anguish. But the consequences affect us all, because the conflict often plays out in publicly funded late-stage hospital care. A study published in the British Medical Journal in 2019 found patients whose families are in conflict were nearly 10 times more likely to receive unbeneficial treatment towards the end of their life. Ken Hillman, professor of intensive care at the School of Clinical Medicine at the University of New South Wales, has been warning about the cost of misaligned care in the last moments of life since the 1980s. His most recent research in the Internal Medicine Journal cited overtreatment as a major contributor to decreased capacity of hospitals, reduced ability to conduct elective surgery, increased attendances at emergency departments and ambulance ramping. Hillman says family conflict is the biggest cause of non-beneficial treatment at the end of life. 'I'm not too sure if it's guilt or existing conflict or just not facing the problem, but one sibling will often demand life support because they want to believe in hope or a miracle.' Professor Imogen Mitchell also sees the cost of conflict in her job as an intensive care specialist at Canberra hospital. She says most families haven't even thought about whether they'd want their loved one going to intensive care and this can lead to panic. 'Often sons are more wedded to keeping them alive, saying, 'She's a fighter', whereas it's often a daughter who does more of the care who will say 'I'm not sure Mum would want all this.' Often, a new wife and the children of the patient will be in conflict – the wife wants all treatment that is possible, and the children will be more pragmatic. Meanwhile, we hold a patient in suspension while family members get on the same page.' Often this can take time because all sorts of family issues can play out. Mitchell urges people to know their loved one's wishes before they are in a hospital corridor or get a call from a specialist. Sign up to Five Great Reads Each week our editors select five of the most interesting, entertaining and thoughtful reads published by Guardian Australia and our international colleagues. Sign up to receive it in your inbox every Saturday morning after newsletter promotion 'I could count on one hand families that have had this conversation ... it can bring a family together if they all know what would Mum want.' Professors Mitchell and Hillman recommend comprehensive planning for life's final years. Families need guidance to navigate complex medical decisions and care coordination. Different states have different recommendations for health directives, but clearly we need better guidance and fundamental planning tools. Parents hate it when their children fight – setting the rules around ageing with clear direction and communication may be the best gift they can give their children and themselves. Not all conflict can be avoided, but some plain old appreciation for those who do the hard work in caring is a good place to start. Sharon* in Sydney spends half her week driving her father to appointments, cooking his meals and cleaning his flat. She does it with love but concedes the lack of the slightest bit of interest from her two siblings has lessened her love for them. 'Just an acknowledgment and a pat on the back would go a long way. There are times I even feel I hate them.' Often healing old wounds in families is too difficult. But at least putting them aside or not developing new divides is the least we can do for those people who gave us life. *Names have been changed Sarah Macdonald is a writer, broadcaster, an advocate for the sandwich generation and an ambassador for Violet organisation
The Guardian
3 hours ago
- The Guardian
At home, in school and in hospital: how hundreds of Ukrainian children are dying in Russian attacks
On the night of 18 May, four-year-old Mark Ifiemenko was at home with his parents in Vasylkiv, a small town near the Ukrainian capital of Kyiv. As the sounds of explosions reverberated close to their two-storey home, Mark's mother rushed him downstairs, along with his grandparents. Later it would emerge that overnight, Russia had launched one of the largest attacks on Ukraine since the start of the full-scale invasion, with reports of more than 270 drones and missiles entering the country's airspace. Mark and his family hid in a room they believed was the safest, removed by at least two walls from the exterior of the house – a rule Ukrainians have learned to stay alive. Meanwhile, his father, Sergey, rushed to the kitchen to turn off the gas main. As he did so a Shahed drone – the size of a small car – hit their house. 'There was smoke and dust everywhere, I couldn't even breathe. I started calling out to them [his family] and ran to the room they were in,' says Sergey, 31, who had returned from service on the frontline the previous week. 'I first saw my father and mother, they were injured. I asked my mother where Anna [his wife] and Mark were to which she replied Anna was no longer with us. I was holding a flashlight and when I pointed it down, I saw I was standing over my wife's body … a fragment of the drone had pierced her head. Still, even in death, she was curled protectively around Mark, who was crying,' he says. Soon after rescuing him from his mother's dying embrace, Sergey rushed Mark, amid ongoing attacks, to the house of a nearby relative and returned to help his parents. The next morning Mark was transported to Ohmatdyt children's hospital in Kyiv where he spent 10 days in the intensive care unit, most of it in a coma. Mark survived the attack, says Sergey, thanks to his mother's quick thinking and protection, but he has endured injuries and a trauma that will take many years to heal. He suffered from fractures to his skull, a crushed nose and injuries that have left him blind in one eye. There has been a significant rise in child casualties in Ukraine in recent months as Russia indiscriminately targets heavily populated civilian areas, with 222 children killed or injured between March and May this year and 2,889 in total since the start of the invasion. Given the delay in verifying deaths, the UN says the true number is likely to be much higher. Ukrainian rights group say Russia's attacks are not accidental and should be more strongly condemned by international leaders. 'Under international humanitarian law, deliberately targeting civilian infrastructure – especially schools, hospitals, and places where children gather – is considered a war crime,' says Daria Kasyanova, chair of the Ukrainian Child Rights Network. Amnesty says it has documented 'numerous instances of Russian forces conducting indiscriminate attacks in Ukraine, resulting in thousands of civilian casualties' and that 'indiscriminate strikes that kill or injure civilians constitute war crimes'. Even if the conflict ends, Ukraine now has one of the highest prevalence of explosive remnants of war and landmines globally, says the UN, which are likely to cause continuing casualties among children in particular far into the future. For children such as Mark who have survived, the injuries – physical and emotional – that have been inflicted are life-changing. A Unicef survey earlier this year, estimated at least one in five children in Ukraine have experienced a personal loss to the war, whether a sibling, parent or friend. Sergey says: 'He asks about Mamusya [a Ukrainian term of endearment for mother] and misses her very much. I told him the truth about what happened to her. How much she loved him and how she did everything for him to be happy. I say that she has become his guardian angel.' As well as regular visits to the hospital to treat his injuries, and more recently to fit a prosthetic eye, Sergey says his son has trouble sleeping, and with his learning and development. 'It is very hard sometimes for him because he's just a child. He reacts to loud sounds, even flinching at anything that might sound like a drone.' Kasyanova, who also works with a shelter for children without parental care or a guardian, says the war is having a multidimensional impact on children in Ukraine. 'Beyond the tragic increase in casualties, children are being deprived of safety, stability and a sense of normalcy. Their childhoods are marked by fear, separation and instability,' she says. Both home and school life have been severely disrupted for millions of children in the country. For those aged three and younger, their entire lives have been marked by bombardments, violence and displacement. 'Ukrainian children have been learning online for the third or even fourth year in a row because schools are either destroyed, damaged, or simply unsafe due to the constant threat of shelling. This is a deeply traumatising reality,' says Kasyanova. For some children, the war in Ukraine has been going on even longer – it is more than 11 years since Russia's first invasion into the eastern regions of Ukraine. 'There are children and teenagers who have never known a peaceful life – who were born into conflict or have lived most of their lives in war. Their understanding of childhood is shaped by loss, displacement, deportation, fear, and instability,' says Kasyanova. 'If this trauma is not addressed properly, it can have long-term consequences on their ability to learn, build relationships, trust others. In some cases, this trauma can even be passed on to future generations,' she says. Sergey, now permanently back from the frontline to take care of his son, says he just wants to do everything he can to make Mark's life a happy one, despite his injuries and trauma. 'I don't want another Ukrainian child raised to experience war. They have done nothing wrong to be killed or hurt like this. They didn't deserve this,' he says.
Daily Record
3 hours ago
- Entertainment
- Daily Record
'My holiday in Croatia was nearly ruined by weather but Lidl hack saved me'
A group of holidaymakers were thwarted by unexpected rain on their sunny break in Croatia, and were forced to get creative with their footwear, with a supermarket chain coming to the rescue Thousands of Brits are jetting off to sunnier climes for their much-anticipated summer breaks, with the holiday season in full throttle and many are yearning for a dose of sunshine. Yet, one woman's vacation took an unforeseen twist that caught her completely off-guard. In a candid TikTok post, Anna, known as @ on the platform, divulged that despite eagerly awaiting her "whole year" for a foreign escape, the reality fell short of expectations. Astonishingly, it was Lidl that provided an unexpected lifeline in a most remarkable fashion. Anna documented her Croatian adventure, where she wittily insinuated that British weather has a tendency to tail you overseas, as shown by footage of tourists getting drenched in an abrupt rainstorm – hardly the scenario one envisions when travelling to a hotspot renowned for its radiant sun. The footage shows the moment the group, clad in summer attire and prepped for exploration, were caught off-guard by the downpour. Faced with conditions unsuitable for flip-flops, they resourcefully donned Lidl carrier bags over their feet. This makeshift life hack sent viewers into fits of giggles, with the spontaneous display of 'supermarket fashion' proving to be a hit of hilarity. The clip swiftly became an internet sensation, garnering thousands of views and sparking a flurry of comments, with users quick to make light-hearted remarks about the incident. One playful commenter quipped: "Be careful with those Lidl bags. My friend got temporary tattoos out of the logos in Croatia." Another joined in with praise, saying: "So stylish." A third person posed the question: "Lidl shoes?" Meanwhile, another individual recounted their time abroad, stating: "Haven't met any other Brits in Split yet. This weather would reunite us, I fear." Anna later admitted that while the weather did improve, it's important to maintain a positive outlook during your holiday, even when faced with less than sunny skies. What's the climate like in Croatia? The summer months are ideal for basking in the Croatian sun, especially along its scenic coast. July is celebrated for its scarce rainfall and abundant sunshine, but winter can introduce cooler and more humid conditions. With an impressive average of over 2,700 hours of sunlight annually and claiming more than 300 days of sun, Split has earned its status as a vibrant destination, as noted by the Intelligent Cities Challenge. However, be prepared for colder and rainier weather during the winter season in Split. And always bear in mind that weather predictions are not always reliable, particularly in popular holiday destinations where the weather can change unexpectedly.
Daily Mirror
6 hours ago
- Daily Mirror
'My holiday in the sun was nearly ruined until Lidl saved me'
One Brit recently visited Croatia and admitted that some of the issues they experienced were somewhat of a surprise, but supermarket Lidl unexpectedly saved the day Thousands of Brits are currently flocking abroad for their sun-soaked holidays, with the summer holidays being in full swing, and people being desperate for some time in the sun. However, one woman's trip took an unexpected turn that she never saw coming. In a revealing TikTok video, Anna, who goes by the username confessed that after waiting a "whole year" for her overseas break, the experience left her feeling somewhat deflated. Surprisingly, it was Lidl that came to the rescue in a way that will absolutely astonish you. Anna shared footage from her Croatian getaway, where she humorously suggested that British weather has a knack for following you abroad, as evidenced by a clip showing holidaymakers getting soaked in a sudden downpour. This is certainly not what you'd anticipate when heading to a destination famed for its glorious sunshine. The video captures the moment the group, dressed in shorts and ready for a day out, were ambushed by rain. With conditions too soggy for sandals, they ingeniously wrapped their feet in Lidl carrier bags. This makeshift solution had viewers in fits of laughter, with many finding the impromptu supermarket chic utterly hilarious. The video quickly went viral, amassing thousands of views and prompting a wave of comments, with several users cracking jokes about the whole debacle. One cheeky commenter joked: "Be careful with those Lidl bags. My friend got temporary tattoos out of the logos in Croatia." Another chimed in with a compliment, adding: "So stylish." A third person curiously asked: "Lidl shoes?" Meanwhile, someone else shared their experience, saying: "Haven't met any other Brits in Split yet. This weather would reunite us, I fear." In subsequent remarks, Anna conceded that although the weather did eventually pick up, it's crucial to keep spirits high during your holiday, despite the occasional gloomy skies. What is the weather like in Croatia? Typically, summer is prime time for a sun-soaked visit, particularly along the picturesque coastline. July is known for its minimal rain and maximum sunshine, whereas winter can bring chillier and damper conditions. Split boasts an impressive average of over 2,700 hours of sunlight each year and claims more than 300 days of sunshine, earning its reputation as a bright and cheerful spot, according to the Intelligent Cities Challenge. But remember, when winter rolls around, expect cooler and wetter weather in the city. And, let's not forget, weather forecasts are never set in stone, even at many beloved holiday spots where conditions can flip without warning.
Daily Mirror
11 hours ago
- Daily Mirror
Hidden gem coastal town has everything from sandy beaches to incredible food
This incredible European coastal town south of Bordeaux in France is home to immaculate beaches, Europe's highest sand dune and a beloved annual oyster festival Jetting off on holiday offers a blissful escape from the daily grind, and nothing beats the thrill of discovering new places. Tourist hotspots often dominate travel wish lists, but sometimes it's the lesser-known treasures that truly captivate. This incredible European coastal town is said to be totally worth a visit - and not many people know about it. Tucked away just south of Bordeaux on the French coast lies an enchanting seaside haven. Arcachon Bay, nestled in Pays de Buch between the Côte d'Argent and the Côte des Landes in Aquitaine, is a stunning coastal town boasting jaw-dropping scenery, pristine beaches and a touch of coastal elegance. Underrated seaside town just like Venice completely ignored by tourists The Bay is a true gem of France's natural and cultural heritage, home to by oyster ports and a famous dune. The 10 towns and villages that make it up - Arcachon, La Teste-de-Buch, Gujan-Mestras, Le Teich, Biganos, Audenge, Lanton, Andernos-les-Bains, Arès and Lège-Cap Ferret - offer a wealth of diverse experiences. Arcachon Bay in particular is shaped by fishing and oyster farming. Some of the finest oysters can be enjoyed in this region, which also hosts its very own Oyster Festival each summer. The town is brimming with activities, whether you fancy jet skiing, kayaking, cycling, or zipping around on an electric scooter. Shoppers will be charmed by quaint independent boutiques, while foodies can indulge in the delightful local cuisine. Visitors are also drawn to the Dune du Pilat, Europe's highest sand dune, for an unforgettable experience, reports the Express. London-based travel blogger Anna recently explored this gem and was utterly enchanted. In her TikTok video, Anna showcases the allure of Arcachon, describing it as: "A French coastal town you probably haven't heard you absolutely have to add to your bucket She further expressed her love for the town, saying: "This is such a charming town." One commenter wrote: "Going in May, we stayed there last year and loved it! PS you can't take dogs on the beach." "I was there a few years ago and it is so pretty," added another commenter. "Adding to my list to visit," declared another user. Another TikToker user seconded Anna's assessment: "I was there in summer, insanely beautiful". One other visitor also highly recommended a stop at the Dune du Pilat, describing it as "something special". How to reach Arcachon According to Trainline, you can get a high-speed train from London to Arcachon in as little as 6 hours and 6 minutes on the fastest services from Eurostar, Ouigo and TGV. Alternatively, you can catch a flight to Bordeaux Airport. From there, it's roughly an hour's drive to Arcachon. You also have the option to catch a train from the airport which takes approximately an hour and a half.
