‘I'm polyamorous – my money is shared with hundreds of people'

Telegraph

6 days ago

Genevieve King describes herself not as polyamorous – where a person has more than one committed romantic relationship, and is open about all those relationships with everyone involved – but as a 'relationship anarchist'.
This extends beyond the romantic or sexual sphere, eschewing the traditional set-ups that many of today's societies adhere to: things like exclusive marriage to one person, parenting in a twosome, or confining financial responsibility to people within one legally recognised family unit.
Many of us grow up with vaguely traditional ideas about finances. We might hope to work and be paid for it, meet a spouse who also works and is paid, and buy a home with our shared income.
In long-term relationships between two people, such daydreams often crash headlong into the reality of trying to plan with another person who might not share the same traditions or assumptions about money.
'So much pain in failed or failing marriages comes from a lack of structure to have those difficult financial conversations,' says Richard Davey, a certified financial planner and one of the founders of Marriage Money Bootcamp.
But what if you find yourself not in a twosome at all? What if, unplanned or by design, you have to care for children or other dependents without the structure of a single long-term relationship? Who pays the mortgage if there are many of you in the relationship?
'Whatever is mine is theirs'
King, 38, doesn't have one single romantic partner, or aspire to be part of a nuclear family. Rather, she has many different partners, and is part of a 'polycule' – a term used to describe a connected network of people that might include open relationships, polyamorous dynamics, friendships, ex-ships, and more.
For King, this isn't about just being romantically playful with a multitude of people, though playfulness is certainly part of what she experiences with her partners. It's an ethical decision, based on how she and her closest friends and lovers, and their partners, want the world to be. And it's also how she thinks about money.
'All of my accounts and assets are independent,' and in her name alone, says King, who is American but lives in Berlin. 'However, all of my friends and partners, and their partners, I consider to be extended family. Whatever is mine is theirs.
'So while it is mine, if somebody needs anything, I see what I can do to help. Even if I'm not close to them, if they're in my extended network, we tend to rally, and pool our resources, to lift up anybody that might need it. And I think it offers a sense of security, because then if I am ever in need, I know that I'd be lifted up in the same way.'
This financial peer support extends, for example, to subsidising rent for others in her network who have unstable housing. It might involve making sure people have what they need in other ways, like a phone, help with childcare, food, or emotional support.
King's main work and source of income is offering peer support to people in non-monogamous relationships. Her Instagram handle, Chillpolyamory, has almost 190,000 followers.
She tends to have multiple partners, some of whom come and go, while others last many years, and often overlap. She has 'spicy friendships', as she calls them, in Germany and around the world.
Right now she also has a male partner to whom she is married – a decision that made sense, logistically, when the two of them wanted to move together from the US to Europe four years ago. She also 'chooses to be child-free'. But her financial responsibilities are manifold.
'I have savings, I have an investment fund. I'm financially stable with what I earn, which comes in the form of Patreon [a popular tool used to give money to content creators], and peer support calls,' which clients pay for, King says.
'It feels like my income is crowdsourced'
'I really enjoy that my income is dispersed over hundreds of people. So that way if one or two clients withdraw, it feels like my income is crowdsourced as well.' She doesn't have a pension, but mentions Germany's social safety nets as a potential fallback once she has citizenship.
King doesn't think of her income – which would put her in a very comfortable earnings bracket as a single person – as hers alone.
'If my partner's partner is living on the poverty line, and I know my partner is paying for more things on their end, well then maybe I'll pay for more things on our end,' she says. In practical ways, the polycule is 'aiming to balance the scales in a world that doesn't give out resources equally to begin with … and make sure everybody feels taken care of,' she explains.
When it comes to money, 'we just factor in the extended family network, of who has what and who is able to offer what,' King explains. That means thinking broadly about 'all kinds of labour, and all kinds of contributions,' not just monetary earnings. 'So if one person is paying for the entire mortgage, let's say, then another person might be growing food or making clothing or doing more of the labour around the home.'
'There are many types of labour'
She notes that, in her network, emotional support is also a recognised contribution – one which often goes unrecognised in wider society. 'There are many types of labour that don't get compensated, systemically,' she says. 'We factor that in as a material contribution. So that way I don't feel like I'm giving more and they're giving less.'
Can that lead to times when one person doesn't seem to be pulling their weight? And what about the pain and mess that can often be part of relationships? 'Obviously we have break-ups, and it's not always so clean,' King says. But she adds that, so far, they have mostly been able to work them out.
Right now, King lives with the partner she is married to, but her living arrangements, and those of others in the polycule, remain fluid. She travels a lot, spends time with partners at their places or at her own, and would like to live with more people in the future.
However, the set-up is nothing like a 70s-style commune. Rather, it involves a network of people with close ties, some of love and others of friendship, some of whom live near each other. Others might live far away, spend significant periods of time elsewhere, or travel a lot. Some have children.
It has taken time, King admits, for her to really embrace the plural nature of what everyone in a polycule was able to give.
'Earlier on, my mindset was not where it is today,' she says. 'There was more conflict, when I was contributing more money and I did not see or weigh evenly the non-monetary contributions from people around me … I realised there was a lot of shifting in my own mindset that needed to happen around how I valued things.'
She is currently house-hunting for a place to buy, which she hopes to do with only her name on the mortgage. She may need to look outside Berlin, she says, because she would like more space, so that she can live with a bigger, and potentially shifting, subset of the polycule.
'If I ever needed anything financially, my partners have my back'
The phrase 'it takes a village to raise a child' is often quoted, yet many people find themselves living the opposite life. In Western society, we tend to raise children in small, financially dependent nuclear family units. We might pay for childcare, or rely on grandparents to help out, but don't often share the responsibility any wider, beyond the odd playdate.
Earnings also tend to remain confined to families – relatives may help one another financially, but it's rare for friends to do so.
In north London, however, AJ England – who also describes herself as a relationship anarchist – has found a way to bring three children up without adhering to any of those structures. It has involved three different co-parents with vastly different attitudes to their responsibilities, as well as those co-parents' families, other partners, and a lot of learning along the way.
England became pregnant at 21, and her partner at the time had no involvement with the child. His family later stepped in to help, however, even paying for schooling at points.
Now in her 50s, England has three children. While the eldest two are now financially independent, she co-parents her youngest son with his father, although they do not live together. England currently rents a flat in London, which she shares with her youngest son for a week of every fortnight, while he spends the other with his father. They both support their child in an amicable, informal arrangement.
When it comes to making money, many of the non-monogamous relationships England has right now also have financial links.
Two of her current partners – both men, whom she refers to as The Vikings – have recently been involved in England's work running wellness gatherings in her garden, building a sauna and other practical tasks. 'So there's been money crossing hands there,' she says. 'And I also know that if I ever needed anything financially, they'd have my back.'
Meanwhile, she works with another of her partners, Ria, running a Queer sauna and sensual sauna events, and another partner, Mercury, styling interiors.
She describes her work as as a portfolio career, which also includes combining therapy and counselling with 'breathwork and embodiment practices,' interior design for 'intimate spaces' and, recently, podcasting: a forthcoming series called Bathtime with AJ – in which she interviews guests while they share a bath in the clawfoot tub installed in her living room. She also owns two properties, and runs her own business. Her work is hugely varied, but she estimates she earns about £40,000 a year.
'I didn't really grow up knowing about money,' she says. 'It was never talked about, but there was a feeling of never-enoughness.'
Such silence about finances is extremely common, according to Sara Jane Maxwell, founder of financial coaching business Wealth Coach. 'We're told, as kids… you don't ask somebody what they earn, that's so rude.' But it means we're often unprepared for such discussions as adults. 'In a relationship, during the early days, [we think] 'I can't really ask that person what they earn' in case it comes across as mercenary,' she adds.
While England is in a stable financial position now, it hasn't always been the case. England says that until around the time she had her third child, she 'didn't even look at the cost of a pint of milk. I wouldn't have had a clue.' She lived in and out of debt, often using credit cards to keep afloat, especially once she became a parent.
England's income also took a hit recently when she was going through cancer treatment. She has 'been on the receiving end of friends' generosity, with them lending me money when I was going through cancer treatment,' she says. When she couldn't work because of her medical needs, she knew she could rely on her partners – who also all have other partners – to help her both practically and financially.
Facing her potential death spurred her to take out life insurance, she says, and she also has savings in a stocks and shares ISA, as well as a self-invested personal pension (Sipp). She often travels to the small properties she owns, one in Europe and the other in Southeast Asia, and says she uses a credit card to pay for everything during the month, paying it off in full every time, to earn air miles.
Now, she helps friends with any support she can offer, including her business expertise. 'My friends are my family, so it's easy for me to give my time and knowledge,' England says. 'It really does 'take a village'. Currently I'm supporting two dear friends to navigate the process of buying their first home as they are expecting their first child, helping them understand the terminology, the financial implications, then the DIY aspect. Also the emotional aspect of money and all that brings up.'
She enjoys working with her partners, coming up with schemes and projects. Right now she is talking about buying a property with her partner Mercury, but as an investment rather than to live with him there, and is setting up a new venture with 'erotic friend and business partner' Aleksandra that aims to bring 'inner desires into the aesthetics of the bedroom,' inspired by the Netflix series How to Build a Sex Room.
'It feels good to support the people in my life who matter,' England says. 'The exchanges that happen may be practical, it may be emotional support, financial support, shared business ventures, shared time. But it's connection and care at the centre of it all.'