Shawn Michelle's churns out homemade ice cream on Chicago's South Side
The shop has been churning out their homemade custard goodness to loyal customers on the South Side of Chicago.
"That's the only way we know how to make it. You want to get into Shawn Michelle's, you're going to go back to grandma's house, whether you like it or not," said owner Yahya Muhammad.
He said ice cream has the power to take someone back down memory lane.
"The first taste of homemade ice cream that I had was that experience with the lady sitting on the bench after baseball practice. We went over and she had a bucket, a white bucket. It wasn't even hard," he recalled. "It was so good that I could literally not just eat it. I almost wanted to, to just hold it and just savor it, what I had experienced."
Muhammed held onto that experience for years until he decided to dabble in the homemade ice cream game himself as a student at Western Illinois University. His fraternity brothers were his early taste testers.
"They are lucky to be able to say it started right there with them," he said with a laugh.
Once he perfected his art, Muhammed started selling it. Eventually he was able to take his passion from side hustle to bustling business, with two locations.
"The one thing he was always passionate about was his ice cream. He believed in it, he loved it and he shared it," said his friend Jalance Hunt.
Like ice cream, life is best when it's shared. Muhammed shares his with high school sweetheart-turned-wife Nataki and their seven children.
A true family business, Shawn Michelle's is named in honor of Muhammed's beloved sister Shawn, who was killed in a car crash in 1999. Yahya may be the face of the business, but it is Shawn's name on the door.
"Shawn was a baker. She literally helped inspire me to get into business," he said. "We call it the spirit of Shawn Michelle, you know? And so the same way that you'll experience my passion, my energy, my sister had it."
And that indelible spirit makes its way into every bath of hand-stirred Shawn Michelle's Homemade Ice Cream.
So what's next? Expansion.
"I can ee it in Atlanta, in D.C., and Houston, Texas. I can see it in Phoenix," Muhammed said. "This isn't to be kept. No, we gonna share this love!"
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CNN
7 hours ago
- CNN
Some of you are bad friends, and that's why you're lonely
FacebookTweetLink Every time I host or attend an event, I'm astounded at how terribly inconsiderate some people are — multiple last-minute cancellation texts or guests who've simply gone MIA have become all too common. It leads me to believe that the measly effort some think they owe their friends these days must be a factor in the growing epidemic of loneliness and lack of community — despite all the research showing how much relationships boost our well-being and longevity. In the United States, 1 in 5 adults said they felt loneliness 'a lot of the day yesterday,' according to an October 2024 Gallup survey. Oddly, the importance of the event doesn't matter — it has happened with Halloween parties, New Year's Eve celebrations, housewarmings, baby showers and even weddings. And I'm not talking about people with legitimate reasons, such as doctors on call. It's those of you — even very good friends — who flake for trivial reasons, seemingly without a second thought. To keep your relationships from deteriorating, experts and my loved ones shared thoughts on why this is happening and how you can avoid being that bad friend. Dropping off food for a sick friend, picking up someone's mail, taking someone to the airport — these things happened frequently when religious congregations, societies and neighborhoods were tightly bound. Many people still want this network, but it seems fewer want or know how to do the work necessary to build it. Chicago-based photographer Rachel Lovely went viral in March for her TikTok video on tips for becoming a 'better villager,' inspired by her mother, who Lovely praised as being 'the No. 1 villager in my life.' 'I saw a quote that said, 'Everyone wants to have a village, but no one wants to be a villager,'' Lovely said in the video. Underneath, the thousands of comments are rife with frustrations about others' refusal to engage, ask for help, help others, stay in touch or be more considerate. For Danielle Bayard Jackson, a women's relational health educator, the question of what we owe friends comes up often in her conversations with clients. 'Obligation, responsibility, duty, inconvenience, commitment — those are not sexy words. But those concepts are inherent to a deep and healthy relationship,' Jackson, director of the Women's Relational Health Institute, said. Not abiding by those values is likely making you a bad friend. Consider the last time a loved one asked you to help them move. Many people dread this request, stressing about the back-and-forth trips, physical labor and time involved. That may be due to the modern culture of outsourcing more labor-based needs to businesses, or to resigning friendship to a pastime, Jackson said. Still, able-bodied people having this attitude baffles me, and I think it needs a serious adjustment. When I help someone move, I'm assisting in closing one chapter of growth and memories, some of which I was present for, and opening the next. I'm helping to save them the cost of hiring movers and speeding up the daunting settling-in process by helping them unpack and put things where they belong. During all that, we're also getting in quality time, creating more memories and probably eating a pizza, too. Isn't all of that worth a little physical strain and a few hours of your weekend? It's also good for me. Helping others is associated with living longer and with a greater sense of purpose, joy, community and belonging, studies have found. These investments in relationships also can boost well-being by improving your mood and self-esteem by making you feel like a valuable person, Jackson said. Nothing beats knowing that when life hits the fan, certain people have my back with actions, not just nice words. It makes us more resilient to stressors, experts said. The timely RSVP — an abbreviation of 'répondez s'il vous plaît,' a French phrase meaning 'please respond' — is a social custom that exists for a reason but seems to be losing importance in some people's minds. A prompt response helps your friend know how much food, extra chairs or supplies they'll need to buy. If you say yes, they know what to look forward to and, if you can't go, what disappointments to process in advance. Canceling last minute or simply not showing up for no good reason communicates that you don't care about or are oblivious to your friend's finances, emotions, energy and time. You're also not realizing that others may do the same, which can shrink the guest list and hurt your friend's feelings. Such was the case at a recent New Year's Eve party hosted by my close friend, whom I'll call Fiona for her privacy. Half the attendees didn't show, even though some of them had actually asked her to host it. She bought decorations, spent $200 on food that respected people's dietary restrictions and ran multiple errands to get everything. The incident sent Fiona back to sixth grade, when she invited all the girls in her class to a sleepover party for her 12th birthday, she said. 'I was so excited, and my mom and I put a lot of thought into invitations and stuff, and only two girls showed up.' The no-shows 'brought me back to that moment of being so disappointed and feeling almost betrayed,' she added. 'Because I'm like, 'OK, I thought you were my friend, and you said you were excited to come to my party, but you didn't, and that really hurt my feelings.' I just felt like 12-year-old (Fiona) again.' A few people had valid excuses, but others didn't even say they could no longer make it. 'If I didn't reach out to see if you were coming, you would not have told me, and that's the biggest issue, because I'm already doing a lot as a host,' Fiona recalled thinking. 'Just put on your big girl or big boy pants and tell me what's going on.' Another loved one of mine, called Lisa for privacy, experienced the same issues at her and her husband's Friendsgiving dinner, her husband's birthday party, their combined housewarming-gender reveal party and their baby shower — crazy, right? 'I think that's partly a post-Covid thing,' she said. 'There's been an increase in people prioritizing their own time or just not seeing social gatherings as important as they used to.' Now, Lisa sees a difference between people who found creative and safe ways to maintain connection no matter the odds during the pandemic, and those who resigned themselves to solitude. Canceling should only happen for emergencies or serious extenuating circumstances, said psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco, an associate fellow at the University of Maryland honors program and author of 'Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.' Waking up on the wrong side of the bed isn't one of those situations. What is a real excuse is when Fiona dropped out of my birthday party the day of because her longtime friend was finally getting a kidney transplant and wanted her there. In our six years of friendship, that's the only time she has done that. Even when you have a less serious complication, you can compromise. When a friend of Fiona's had a birthday celebration on the same day as Fiona and her husband's dating anniversary, Fiona attended the dinner but not the karaoke after-party. Prioritize whether you'll be happy you went over whether you want to go, Franco advised. Honoring your well-being requires you to consider not only your current feelings, but also what's best long-term. Inconsistency isn't honoring your well-being, as it weakens the friendships that are critical for it. 'When I walk into the room and give my friend a hug and they say, 'Oh, I'm so glad that you came; I was really excited to see you' — that means more to me than me staying home and being in my feelings,' Fiona said. Note to the person often on the receiving end of cancellations: Like Fiona did, be honest about how that makes you feel instead of always replying, 'No worries!' Jackson said. Not only is this response dishonest and self-sacrificing; it also enables your friend's inconsiderate behavior and false perception of their importance to you. Before you RSVP, ensure your 'yes' is a thoughtful one, Jackson and Franco said. Don't commit to weeknight pickleball when you anticipate canceling after work. But if you're regularly declining invitations, your time management skills might need work. When I commit to plans, I try to organize my life in ways that help ensure I fulfill that commitment. If I need to write two stories between Wednesday and Sunday, then have nothing done by Saturday and cancel because I need to work, I've failed to protect and value my time with that person. And frequently double-booking yourself as an adult in this digital age makes no sense. Keep a calendar and check it before you RSVP yes. Whenever you realize a mistake, Lisa finds that generally, honoring whatever you first committed to is the most respectful choice. If you're frequently noncommittal or unengaged in your friendships and the reasons why aren't obvious — such as knowing you're socially anxious or that you tend to be selfish — it's time for a deeper assessment. Maybe you're incompatible with your current friends and their interests, values or standards for friendship, and need new friends, Jackson said. Being an absentee friend can also be due to issues that call for therapy — such as low self-esteem, hyper-independence or an avoidant attachment style, or cynicism, all of which can hinder the vulnerability necessary for connection and growth in relationships, sources said. You may be underestimating how much you matter to people, or maybe you don't think you're likable, so you don't respect people who like you. Conversely, self-confidence, trustworthiness and willingness to trust others are three of 13 traits some psychologists have concluded are what make a good friend, Jackson said. After previously having several bad friends, Lisa sometimes still has difficulty trusting her new ones. 'I have to ask myself, 'OK, am I being triggered right now? Is there something I haven't healed from or forgiven? Is somebody actually doing something to me or am I just afraid that something's going to happen again?'' she said. She also tries to consider the facts and quickly ask people about their intentions and feelings instead of making assumptions. It's also important to learn the distinctions between healthy, necessary sacrifice despite the inconvenience or your mood, when sacrifice stems from over-giving or people-pleasing, and when you're being selfish. Boundaries are important, but for some people they've swung so far over to toxically focusing on oneself no matter the impact on others, Franco said. If you feel you're entitled to cancel whenever you want and that you still deserve future invitations, that's not a boundary. It's a selfish desire for permission to act on your whims regardless of how that behavior affects others. Lastly, becoming a better friend may begin with honest conversations, Jackson said. Tell your friends you're trying to be more intentional about friendship and ask how they think you have been doing. If they openly share how you have fallen short, don't take that as an attack or rejection or isolate yourself in shame. Take it on the chin, be grateful for the feedback and view it as an opportunity for growth. While conflict can feel uncomfortable, people wouldn't bring it up if they didn't care about you and their need to feel cherished, not disposable. Get inspired by a weekly roundup on living well, made simple. Sign up for CNN's Life, But Better newsletter for information and tools designed to improve your well-being.
CNN
7 hours ago
- CNN
Some of you are bad friends, and that's why you're lonely
Every time I host or attend an event, I'm astounded at how terribly inconsiderate some people are — multiple last-minute cancellation texts or guests who've simply gone MIA have become all too common. It leads me to believe that the measly effort some think they owe their friends these days must be a factor in the growing epidemic of loneliness and lack of community — despite all the research showing how much relationships boost our well-being and longevity. In the United States, 1 in 5 adults said they felt loneliness 'a lot of the day yesterday,' according to an October 2024 Gallup survey. Oddly, the importance of the event doesn't matter — it has happened with Halloween parties, New Year's Eve celebrations, housewarmings, baby showers and even weddings. And I'm not talking about people with legitimate reasons, such as doctors on call. It's those of you — even very good friends — who flake for trivial reasons, seemingly without a second thought. To keep your relationships from deteriorating, experts and my loved ones shared thoughts on why this is happening and how you can avoid being that bad friend. Dropping off food for a sick friend, picking up someone's mail, taking someone to the airport — these things happened frequently when religious congregations, societies and neighborhoods were tightly bound. Many people still want this network, but it seems fewer want or know how to do the work necessary to build it. Chicago-based photographer Rachel Lovely went viral in March for her TikTok video on tips for becoming a 'better villager,' inspired by her mother, who Lovely praised as being 'the No. 1 villager in my life.' 'I saw a quote that said, 'Everyone wants to have a village, but no one wants to be a villager,'' Lovely said in the video. Underneath, the thousands of comments are rife with frustrations about others' refusal to engage, ask for help, help others, stay in touch or be more considerate. For Danielle Bayard Jackson, a women's relational health educator, the question of what we owe friends comes up often in her conversations with clients. 'Obligation, responsibility, duty, inconvenience, commitment — those are not sexy words. But those concepts are inherent to a deep and healthy relationship,' Jackson, director of the Women's Relational Health Institute, said. Not abiding by those values is likely making you a bad friend. Consider the last time a loved one asked you to help them move. Many people dread this request, stressing about the back-and-forth trips, physical labor and time involved. That may be due to the modern culture of outsourcing more labor-based needs to businesses, or to resigning friendship to a pastime, Jackson said. Still, able-bodied people having this attitude baffles me, and I think it needs a serious adjustment. When I help someone move, I'm assisting in closing one chapter of growth and memories, some of which I was present for, and opening the next. I'm helping to save them the cost of hiring movers and speeding up the daunting settling-in process by helping them unpack and put things where they belong. During all that, we're also getting in quality time, creating more memories and probably eating a pizza, too. Isn't all of that worth a little physical strain and a few hours of your weekend? It's also good for me. Helping others is associated with living longer and with a greater sense of purpose, joy, community and belonging, studies have found. These investments in relationships also can boost well-being by improving your mood and self-esteem by making you feel like a valuable person, Jackson said. Nothing beats knowing that when life hits the fan, certain people have my back with actions, not just nice words. It makes us more resilient to stressors, experts said. The timely RSVP — an abbreviation of 'répondez s'il vous plaît,' a French phrase meaning 'please respond' — is a social custom that exists for a reason but seems to be losing importance in some people's minds. A prompt response helps your friend know how much food, extra chairs or supplies they'll need to buy. If you say yes, they know what to look forward to and, if you can't go, what disappointments to process in advance. Canceling last minute or simply not showing up for no good reason communicates that you don't care about or are oblivious to your friend's finances, emotions, energy and time. You're also not realizing that others may do the same, which can shrink the guest list and hurt your friend's feelings. Such was the case at a recent New Year's Eve party hosted by my close friend, whom I'll call Fiona for her privacy. Half the attendees didn't show, even though some of them had actually asked her to host it. She bought decorations, spent $200 on food that respected people's dietary restrictions and ran multiple errands to get everything. The incident sent Fiona back to sixth grade, when she invited all the girls in her class to a sleepover party for her 12th birthday, she said. 'I was so excited, and my mom and I put a lot of thought into invitations and stuff, and only two girls showed up.' The no-shows 'brought me back to that moment of being so disappointed and feeling almost betrayed,' she added. 'Because I'm like, 'OK, I thought you were my friend, and you said you were excited to come to my party, but you didn't, and that really hurt my feelings.' I just felt like 12-year-old (Fiona) again.' A few people had valid excuses, but others didn't even say they could no longer make it. 'If I didn't reach out to see if you were coming, you would not have told me, and that's the biggest issue, because I'm already doing a lot as a host,' Fiona recalled thinking. 'Just put on your big girl or big boy pants and tell me what's going on.' Another loved one of mine, called Lisa for privacy, experienced the same issues at her and her husband's Friendsgiving dinner, her husband's birthday party, their combined housewarming-gender reveal party and their baby shower — crazy, right? 'I think that's partly a post-Covid thing,' she said. 'There's been an increase in people prioritizing their own time or just not seeing social gatherings as important as they used to.' Now, Lisa sees a difference between people who found creative and safe ways to maintain connection no matter the odds during the pandemic, and those who resigned themselves to solitude. Canceling should only happen for emergencies or serious extenuating circumstances, said psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco, an associate fellow at the University of Maryland honors program and author of 'Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.' Waking up on the wrong side of the bed isn't one of those situations. What is a real excuse is when Fiona dropped out of my birthday party the day of because her longtime friend was finally getting a kidney transplant and wanted her there. In our six years of friendship, that's the only time she has done that. Even when you have a less serious complication, you can compromise. When a friend of Fiona's had a birthday celebration on the same day as Fiona and her husband's dating anniversary, Fiona attended the dinner but not the karaoke after-party. Prioritize whether you'll be happy you went over whether you want to go, Franco advised. Honoring your well-being requires you to consider not only your current feelings, but also what's best long-term. Inconsistency isn't honoring your well-being, as it weakens the friendships that are critical for it. 'When I walk into the room and give my friend a hug and they say, 'Oh, I'm so glad that you came; I was really excited to see you' — that means more to me than me staying home and being in my feelings,' Fiona said. Note to the person often on the receiving end of cancellations: Like Fiona did, be honest about how that makes you feel instead of always replying, 'No worries!' Jackson said. Not only is this response dishonest and self-sacrificing; it also enables your friend's inconsiderate behavior and false perception of their importance to you. Before you RSVP, ensure your 'yes' is a thoughtful one, Jackson and Franco said. Don't commit to weeknight pickleball when you anticipate canceling after work. But if you're regularly declining invitations, your time management skills might need work. When I commit to plans, I try to organize my life in ways that help ensure I fulfill that commitment. If I need to write two stories between Wednesday and Sunday, then have nothing done by Saturday and cancel because I need to work, I've failed to protect and value my time with that person. And frequently double-booking yourself as an adult in this digital age makes no sense. Keep a calendar and check it before you RSVP yes. Whenever you realize a mistake, Lisa finds that generally, honoring whatever you first committed to is the most respectful choice. If you're frequently noncommittal or unengaged in your friendships and the reasons why aren't obvious — such as knowing you're socially anxious or that you tend to be selfish — it's time for a deeper assessment. Maybe you're incompatible with your current friends and their interests, values or standards for friendship, and need new friends, Jackson said. Being an absentee friend can also be due to issues that call for therapy — such as low self-esteem, hyper-independence or an avoidant attachment style, or cynicism, all of which can hinder the vulnerability necessary for connection and growth in relationships, sources said. You may be underestimating how much you matter to people, or maybe you don't think you're likable, so you don't respect people who like you. Conversely, self-confidence, trustworthiness and willingness to trust others are three of 13 traits some psychologists have concluded are what make a good friend, Jackson said. After previously having several bad friends, Lisa sometimes still has difficulty trusting her new ones. 'I have to ask myself, 'OK, am I being triggered right now? Is there something I haven't healed from or forgiven? Is somebody actually doing something to me or am I just afraid that something's going to happen again?'' she said. She also tries to consider the facts and quickly ask people about their intentions and feelings instead of making assumptions. It's also important to learn the distinctions between healthy, necessary sacrifice despite the inconvenience or your mood, when sacrifice stems from over-giving or people-pleasing, and when you're being selfish. Boundaries are important, but for some people they've swung so far over to toxically focusing on oneself no matter the impact on others, Franco said. If you feel you're entitled to cancel whenever you want and that you still deserve future invitations, that's not a boundary. It's a selfish desire for permission to act on your whims regardless of how that behavior affects others. Lastly, becoming a better friend may begin with honest conversations, Jackson said. Tell your friends you're trying to be more intentional about friendship and ask how they think you have been doing. If they openly share how you have fallen short, don't take that as an attack or rejection or isolate yourself in shame. Take it on the chin, be grateful for the feedback and view it as an opportunity for growth. While conflict can feel uncomfortable, people wouldn't bring it up if they didn't care about you and their need to feel cherished, not disposable. Get inspired by a weekly roundup on living well, made simple. Sign up for CNN's Life, But Better newsletter for information and tools designed to improve your well-being.
CNN
7 hours ago
- CNN
Some of you are bad friends, and that's why you're lonely
FacebookTweetLink Every time I host or attend an event, I'm astounded at how terribly inconsiderate some people are — multiple last-minute cancellation texts or guests who've simply gone MIA have become all too common. It leads me to believe that the measly effort some think they owe their friends these days must be a factor in the growing epidemic of loneliness and lack of community — despite all the research showing how much relationships boost our well-being and longevity. In the United States, 1 in 5 adults said they felt loneliness 'a lot of the day yesterday,' according to an October 2024 Gallup survey. Oddly, the importance of the event doesn't matter — it has happened with Halloween parties, New Year's Eve celebrations, housewarmings, baby showers and even weddings. And I'm not talking about people with legitimate reasons, such as doctors on call. It's those of you — even very good friends — who flake for trivial reasons, seemingly without a second thought. To keep your relationships from deteriorating, experts and my loved ones shared thoughts on why this is happening and how you can avoid being that bad friend. Dropping off food for a sick friend, picking up someone's mail, taking someone to the airport — these things happened frequently when religious congregations, societies and neighborhoods were tightly bound. Many people still want this network, but it seems fewer want or know how to do the work necessary to build it. Chicago-based photographer Rachel Lovely went viral in March for her TikTok video on tips for becoming a 'better villager,' inspired by her mother, who Lovely praised as being 'the No. 1 villager in my life.' 'I saw a quote that said, 'Everyone wants to have a village, but no one wants to be a villager,'' Lovely said in the video. Underneath, the thousands of comments are rife with frustrations about others' refusal to engage, ask for help, help others, stay in touch or be more considerate. For Danielle Bayard Jackson, a women's relational health educator, the question of what we owe friends comes up often in her conversations with clients. 'Obligation, responsibility, duty, inconvenience, commitment — those are not sexy words. But those concepts are inherent to a deep and healthy relationship,' Jackson, director of the Women's Relational Health Institute, said. Not abiding by those values is likely making you a bad friend. Consider the last time a loved one asked you to help them move. Many people dread this request, stressing about the back-and-forth trips, physical labor and time involved. That may be due to the modern culture of outsourcing more labor-based needs to businesses, or to resigning friendship to a pastime, Jackson said. Still, able-bodied people having this attitude baffles me, and I think it needs a serious adjustment. When I help someone move, I'm assisting in closing one chapter of growth and memories, some of which I was present for, and opening the next. I'm helping to save them the cost of hiring movers and speeding up the daunting settling-in process by helping them unpack and put things where they belong. During all that, we're also getting in quality time, creating more memories and probably eating a pizza, too. Isn't all of that worth a little physical strain and a few hours of your weekend? It's also good for me. Helping others is associated with living longer and with a greater sense of purpose, joy, community and belonging, studies have found. These investments in relationships also can boost well-being by improving your mood and self-esteem by making you feel like a valuable person, Jackson said. Nothing beats knowing that when life hits the fan, certain people have my back with actions, not just nice words. It makes us more resilient to stressors, experts said. The timely RSVP — an abbreviation of 'répondez s'il vous plaît,' a French phrase meaning 'please respond' — is a social custom that exists for a reason but seems to be losing importance in some people's minds. A prompt response helps your friend know how much food, extra chairs or supplies they'll need to buy. If you say yes, they know what to look forward to and, if you can't go, what disappointments to process in advance. Canceling last minute or simply not showing up for no good reason communicates that you don't care about or are oblivious to your friend's finances, emotions, energy and time. You're also not realizing that others may do the same, which can shrink the guest list and hurt your friend's feelings. Such was the case at a recent New Year's Eve party hosted by my close friend, whom I'll call Fiona for her privacy. Half the attendees didn't show, even though some of them had actually asked her to host it. She bought decorations, spent $200 on food that respected people's dietary restrictions and ran multiple errands to get everything. The incident sent Fiona back to sixth grade, when she invited all the girls in her class to a sleepover party for her 12th birthday, she said. 'I was so excited, and my mom and I put a lot of thought into invitations and stuff, and only two girls showed up.' The no-shows 'brought me back to that moment of being so disappointed and feeling almost betrayed,' she added. 'Because I'm like, 'OK, I thought you were my friend, and you said you were excited to come to my party, but you didn't, and that really hurt my feelings.' I just felt like 12-year-old (Fiona) again.' A few people had valid excuses, but others didn't even say they could no longer make it. 'If I didn't reach out to see if you were coming, you would not have told me, and that's the biggest issue, because I'm already doing a lot as a host,' Fiona recalled thinking. 'Just put on your big girl or big boy pants and tell me what's going on.' Another loved one of mine, called Lisa for privacy, experienced the same issues at her and her husband's Friendsgiving dinner, her husband's birthday party, their combined housewarming-gender reveal party and their baby shower — crazy, right? 'I think that's partly a post-Covid thing,' she said. 'There's been an increase in people prioritizing their own time or just not seeing social gatherings as important as they used to.' Now, Lisa sees a difference between people who found creative and safe ways to maintain connection no matter the odds during the pandemic, and those who resigned themselves to solitude. Canceling should only happen for emergencies or serious extenuating circumstances, said psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco, an associate fellow at the University of Maryland honors program and author of 'Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.' Waking up on the wrong side of the bed isn't one of those situations. What is a real excuse is when Fiona dropped out of my birthday party the day of because her longtime friend was finally getting a kidney transplant and wanted her there. In our six years of friendship, that's the only time she has done that. Even when you have a less serious complication, you can compromise. When a friend of Fiona's had a birthday celebration on the same day as Fiona and her husband's dating anniversary, Fiona attended the dinner but not the karaoke after-party. Prioritize whether you'll be happy you went over whether you want to go, Franco advised. Honoring your well-being requires you to consider not only your current feelings, but also what's best long-term. Inconsistency isn't honoring your well-being, as it weakens the friendships that are critical for it. 'When I walk into the room and give my friend a hug and they say, 'Oh, I'm so glad that you came; I was really excited to see you' — that means more to me than me staying home and being in my feelings,' Fiona said. Note to the person often on the receiving end of cancellations: Like Fiona did, be honest about how that makes you feel instead of always replying, 'No worries!' Jackson said. Not only is this response dishonest and self-sacrificing; it also enables your friend's inconsiderate behavior and false perception of their importance to you. Before you RSVP, ensure your 'yes' is a thoughtful one, Jackson and Franco said. Don't commit to weeknight pickleball when you anticipate canceling after work. But if you're regularly declining invitations, your time management skills might need work. When I commit to plans, I try to organize my life in ways that help ensure I fulfill that commitment. If I need to write two stories between Wednesday and Sunday, then have nothing done by Saturday and cancel because I need to work, I've failed to protect and value my time with that person. And frequently double-booking yourself as an adult in this digital age makes no sense. Keep a calendar and check it before you RSVP yes. Whenever you realize a mistake, Lisa finds that generally, honoring whatever you first committed to is the most respectful choice. If you're frequently noncommittal or unengaged in your friendships and the reasons why aren't obvious — such as knowing you're socially anxious or that you tend to be selfish — it's time for a deeper assessment. Maybe you're incompatible with your current friends and their interests, values or standards for friendship, and need new friends, Jackson said. Being an absentee friend can also be due to issues that call for therapy — such as low self-esteem, hyper-independence or an avoidant attachment style, or cynicism, all of which can hinder the vulnerability necessary for connection and growth in relationships, sources said. You may be underestimating how much you matter to people, or maybe you don't think you're likable, so you don't respect people who like you. Conversely, self-confidence, trustworthiness and willingness to trust others are three of 13 traits some psychologists have concluded are what make a good friend, Jackson said. After previously having several bad friends, Lisa sometimes still has difficulty trusting her new ones. 'I have to ask myself, 'OK, am I being triggered right now? Is there something I haven't healed from or forgiven? Is somebody actually doing something to me or am I just afraid that something's going to happen again?'' she said. She also tries to consider the facts and quickly ask people about their intentions and feelings instead of making assumptions. It's also important to learn the distinctions between healthy, necessary sacrifice despite the inconvenience or your mood, when sacrifice stems from over-giving or people-pleasing, and when you're being selfish. Boundaries are important, but for some people they've swung so far over to toxically focusing on oneself no matter the impact on others, Franco said. If you feel you're entitled to cancel whenever you want and that you still deserve future invitations, that's not a boundary. It's a selfish desire for permission to act on your whims regardless of how that behavior affects others. Lastly, becoming a better friend may begin with honest conversations, Jackson said. Tell your friends you're trying to be more intentional about friendship and ask how they think you have been doing. If they openly share how you have fallen short, don't take that as an attack or rejection or isolate yourself in shame. Take it on the chin, be grateful for the feedback and view it as an opportunity for growth. While conflict can feel uncomfortable, people wouldn't bring it up if they didn't care about you and their need to feel cherished, not disposable. Get inspired by a weekly roundup on living well, made simple. Sign up for CNN's Life, But Better newsletter for information and tools designed to improve your well-being.
