Dear Richard Madeley:‘We're fed up with our son lecturing us about religion'
Dear Richard,
My young son – he's 23 – has become very religious and is starting to make critical comments about my and his mother's lifestyle.
My partner and I have both had to steer a course between the traditional views of our own parents and the prevailing culture of our generation and our respective professions, and we are broadly happy with where we have ended up – but we're finding his lectures a little tedious.
We have attempted to engage him in conversation about this a couple of times but, of course, when one's view is backed up by a sacred text claiming to be the revealed truths of a divine being, there's not much that one can say.
I love this boy with all my heart but I've started to dread his weekend visits home. What can we do to find a middle way?
– N, via email
Dear N,
How unutterably tedious for you both. For all the positives (and comforts) a 'true faith' offers, one of the many accompanying curses of organised religion is the tendency in some adherents to proselytise. To lecture. To finger-wave, moralise and judge. And when it's happening under one's own roof… well, I can only sympathise.
Actually, I can do a bit more than that, N. The fact that you've been driven to write to me reveals just how thin your patience must be wearing. Before it snaps completely, you should move on to the front foot; take the initiative.
Before your darling boy's next visit home, call him. Keep your tone pleasant, friendly, but firm. Explain that you and his mother are looking forward to seeing him again, but that there is a new house rule: no discussions about faith, religion or God.
Say that you both prefer to reflect inwardly on your own belief systems, and choose a meditative approach over explicit discussion or argument.
Make it clear in a relaxed way that this is not up for debate: we are each entitled to our own relationship with God – you to yours; he to his.
Then change the subject. If he tries to return to it, be firm. Say you've made your decision – the new house rule is now in place – so there's simply no more to be said.
I can't guarantee success, N, but it's clear to me you must exercise your parental authority. The Old Testament God has a mantra for that: 'Honour thy father and mother.' I believe the Koran says something similar.
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