QUENTIN LETTS: This timid, blinky burbler's eyes darted around. She would make a terrible shoplifter
There are few parliamentary performers more blinky. She is a timid burbler, a reader-of-precooked-answers whose eyes dart from side to side. Would make a terrible shoplifter.
Put her in front of a class of 16-year-olds and they'd reduce her to a gibbering puddle. When politicians go campaigning at the next general election the youngsters will bait them relentlessly. Imagine the mockery when Sir Edward Davey tries asking sixth-formers for their votes. It's going to be a massacre.
The Government tried to slip out its policy via a parliamentary written statement but a Tory urgent question meant Ms Ali was despatched to the Commons. No other minister attended. Anxious Ali, quite alone, smiled queasily.
It was important, she gulped, 'to strengthen our precious democracy'. Votes at 16 would be introduced along with laxer rules on voter identification at polling stations and new restrictions to stop rich foreigners funding the Tory party. Labour MPs were delighted. When the last government brought in ID checks for voting, the Left complained that it was unfair on upstanding citizens who wished to cast ballots for their numerous wives and dead aunties.
Ms Ali, snout buried in her ministerial file, said she wished to 'future-proof our democracy' and 'support young people in their leadership journeys'. When my son was 16 his 'leadership journey' was more about reading Nuts magazine and compiling football statistics. At 18, he was a blazing Corbynista. A year later, he was even more Right-wing than me. Not so much a journey as a game of pinball.
On Ms Ali ploughed, woodenly arguing that 'our democracy is central to who we are as a country – we can take pride in its evolution and in how it continues to inspire'. Talking of inspiration, Sarah Coombes (Lab, West Bromwich) informed us that turnout in her constituency last year was 49 per cent. That was because 'the Conservative government did everything it could to destroy trust in politics'.
Some 49 per cent is indeed low but imagine how much worse it would have been had Sir Keir Starmer not so galvanised the nation with his charisma and flamboyance. As for the virtuous Coombes, she was previously 'head of policy and communications' for Tom Watson, who smeared the good names of Leon Brittan and Dwin Bramall. Lord Watson, as he now is, has never done anything to 'destroy trust in politics', has he?
Up popped Joe Morris (Lab, Hexham), who as usual could have been talking through a games sock. Only the most gifted linguists can understand him. Hand in pocket, shoulders hunched, the Hexham Mumbler possibly said something tremendously statesmanlike but I am afraid I couldn't catch a word of it. The parliamentary correspondent of the Hexham Courant must be a miracle worker to file any copy concerning the town's Hon Member.
Nick Timothy (Con, W Suffolk) asked if more foreigners would be given the vote. Ms Ali did not quite deny that possibility. The Lib Dems were terribly excited, not only about votes at 16 but also about the possibility of more proportional representation.
Richard Tice (Ref, Boston) was sceptical about postal voting and claimed to have seen people turn up at polling stations with 'bags' of postal votes. Labour MPs were incensed by this claim. Christine Jardine (Lib Dem, Edinburgh W) wanted potential teenage voters to be given information before the next general election. As a sometime journalist, she possibly envisaged 12-year-olds subscribing to The Economist. And why not? They may find it no more baffling than the rest of us.
Ms Ali also denounced those who seek to intimidate elected Members. We must hope that a copy of her speech is sent to that tartar Sir Alan Campbell, Government Chief Whip, who just sacked four Labour MPs. He may now have to sack himself for being so out of line with Government policy.
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