As an American, I wish the British would stop apologising for everything

Telegraph

13-05-2025

I remember the first time a British person unnecessarily apologised to me – less due to any misstep on his part than for how I reacted. I think it was in a lift, or maybe on a London Underground travelator, when a stranger squeezed in or brushed past and tossed a quick 'sorry' over his shoulder. 'Oh, you don't have to apologise,' I said, reassuring him with a cheerful, all-American smile. 'Really, it's OK!'. He froze and looked at me like I'd sprouted a second head.
When I first moved to London from the US in 2007, people apologised for asking for a moment of my time at work (when they were my boss). For failing to remember how I liked my tea (which they were kind enough to offer to make). For bringing me clothes in a fitting room (when I'd requested additional sizes). For leaning across a restaurant table to pour more wine (which, please continue). For being bumped into – really I should have been the one apologising, but I was too flustered by the reversal of sorries to say so in time.
I couldn't understand why everyone kept apologising for these minor and imagined non-infractions. Let alone why they seemed so thrown when I insisted they'd done nothing wrong. It struck me then as a politeness verging on mortification over daring to exist in the world.
So I can't say I was surprised to read that the average Briton says the word 'sorry' more than 3,000 times a year. Researchers who surveyed a group of 2,000 found that respondents uttered 'sorry' an average of nine times a day, amounting to 3,285 times a year.
Only nine? Surely the number should be higher, when you consider all the apologetic phone calls, squeeze-pasts and 'sorry but could I just'-ing that punctuates daily life. The British propensity to apologise seems such a core trait of the national character that it deserves a place on the Life in the UK Test that you take as part of a citizenship application. I can almost see the question now: Which of these scenarios would a British person apologise for? A) bumping into you; B) you bumping into them; C) interjecting with a helpful comment at work; D) all of the above.
'It took me a while to realise 'sorry' is almost a verbal tic here,' says Isabel, a New Yorker in London. She noticed the higher incidence of 'sorries' within a few months of her move in 2015 and adjusted her speech to conform. 'I probably force myself to say sorry more than feels natural in work settings, almost as a way to fit in.'
In the US, over-apologising is a workplace bête noire – an instant credibility underminer that will do nothing to win friends nor advance your career.
Not that she's totally confident with the unspoken rules around 'sorry' deployment. This week, she apologised to her boss for something for which she wasn't actually sorry – 'I just thought it was the right place to say it' – and her boss told her it was no use being sorry. 'So 10 years on, I'm still figuring out the nuances of what this word means to the Brits.'
I get it. Really, I do. Adopting local idioms is empathetic, a shortcut to conveying a desire to assimilate into a new culture. And a less cringey shortcut than debuting a fake British accent, at that. I've thrown in a casual 'sorry' or three in work settings as well – a habit often followed by guilt or irritation at myself for letting the sisterhood down, given the number of studies I've read about women over-apologising in professional environments. But then, sometimes saying sorry is the more awkward path. What's a polite, well-intentioned naturalised Briton to do?
What initially seems a winsome quirk (diffidence having no better spokesman than Notting Hill-era Hugh Grant) can come to grate, and become an irritating habit. Or worse, to seem like a barely contained form of passive-aggression. 'Sorry!' someone might say with an implied snarl after whacking me in the face with his backpack on the Tube.
Typically though, it's harmless. When I reached to put my shoes in the same cubby hole as another student at yoga this morning, both of us mumbled a quick 'sorry', even though neither of us were in the wrong. I've learnt to accept the occasional sorry for the social lubricant it is, especially when it brings some manners or gentleness into urban life. Other times, though, I make an effort to replace 'sorry' with 'excuse me', 'pardon' or even 'thank you' (as in 'Thank you for waiting' to the Uber driver rather than 'Sorry I kept you waiting'). They do the job just fine.
Still, there are moments when the whole 'sorry' habit makes me chuckle. The editor who approached me to write this feature opened his email by apologising for emailing out of the blue. Getting in touch to offer me money to do my job? Sorry to say it, but please, never apologise for that.