'If I turn off my phone, no-one would miss me': Our readers on being lonely

The Journal

20 hours ago

'I'M 63 AND for my whole life as far back as I can remember, I have been lonely.'
The experience of this reader from Dublin is one that is shared by thousands of people around the globe.
The World Health Organisation has found that loneliness
affects nearly one in six people worldwide
, while a separate EU study named Ireland as the
loneliest country in Europe
.
The Dublin reader told us that she has struggled throughout her life to find someone she could trust and be herself around 'instead of always putting on a show and hoping to fit in'.
'I have never had a close friend who I could just be me around. No one really knows me because for over 60 years, I've been trying to be someone I'm not.'
Several readers responded when we asked you to tell us how the loneliness crisis was affecting you.
Our thanks to everyone who got in touch. Here's what you told us.
'I don't know how to ask for help'
A reader in his 40s living in the south of the country said he has a 'deep rooted sense of loneliness' and has no one to turn to in times of joy or sadness.
'Childhood trauma impacts me daily and my 'escape' has been isolation and never seeking help or support from anyone. I simply don't know how to ask for it without feeling guilty,' he said.
He keeps 'multiple plates spinning in the air' at all times and never sits down for long enough to avoid thinking of how lonely he feels.
'However, nighttime is when the thoughts and loneliness really kicks in – scrolling, flashbacks, questioning all my interactions over the day. If I turn off my phone for a long period, no one would know or miss me.'
A 42-year-old reader who lives alone in a rural area said that she fears that she is losing her social skills 'like an unused muscle'.
'Whilst Irish people are unfailingly friendly to chat casually with, they are not easy to make friends with,' she said.
The reader said she does not have children, so can't meet people through sports or parent groups, and while she has joined different evening classes, she can't seem to make connections beyond polite conversation.
'I'm inevitably left feeling awkward. While friends who came together stick together, I find myself shuffling away to the carpark alone, already dreading the next weeks outing.
After I finish work on a Friday, I don't talk to anyone except shop staff until work again on Monday morning.
But she added: 'I've been in a damaging relationship that lasted well beyond its sell-by date due to the subconscious nagging feeling that this was as good as it gets. Alone is better in this circumstance.'
'I always had to be the one to keep in touch'
One reader recently moved back home after living in the UK for over 20 years following the death of her partner. She said she did her best to keep in touch with friends and family, but 'I always had to be the one keeping the contact going'.
'I thought after putting years of effort in of keeping contact going with friends and family, it would pay off. In reality it hasn't. I get it. Life goes on, life gets busy and people change,' she said.
Having had a large circle of friends in Ireland, now she does not hear from anyone unless she contacts them.
'Don't get me wrong, I'm very lucky. I have great family around me that have been so supportive and picked me up when I was broken… I just know that since I've moved home, I struggle with loneliness.'
Another reader in her 50s said that she was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition some years ago. She has been waiting to have spinal surgery for three years and is no longer able to work.
As a result, her mobility has reduced and she has had to give up most of her hobbies and activities, which 'not only deprives me of social interaction, but it also makes the days long'.
'I find myself watching the time, waiting for it to be a reasonable time to go to bed and put an end to yet another interminably long and boring day,' she said.
I feel totally invisible and over the years, I have become to feel unworthy of people's friendship because I have nothing to give in return. I am a liability, a burden to anyone who does get to know me.
She said that as everyone has their own life to get on with and their own problems to deal with, 'most are too busy to notice that some of us are slowly drowning'.
'I sometimes look back at my old life – university, a successful career, no financial worries, lots of social interaction… It's like looking back at someone else – it doesn't feel like I could possibly have been that person.'
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'I really miss company'
For some readers, having to go into lockdown after the Covid-19 pandemic hit meant that their world got smaller and they became isolated as a result.
Mary said that her husband of 50 years died on St Stephen's Day in 2019. As the pandemic took hold a few months later, it meant she very quickly couldn't see anyone after his death.
'I am so lonely. I miss him and our life together so much,' Mary said.
She said she goes out nearly every day as she has a young dog that needs lots of exercise, but never really meets anyone she know besides the people who work in the local shop.
The summer is not so bad with the long evenings, but the winter is tough. I am a social person so I really miss company.
Keith, a reader in his 40s from Westmeath, said he was working in the motor trade up until August 2019, when a driver fell asleep behind him on the M4.
'I woke up in the hospital two weeks later with a third of a lung gone, 11 fractured vertebrae, nerve damage,' he said. 'Looking back, I do not know how we got through it. It was impossibly bleak.'
He began physio shortly before lockdown in March 2020. 'Appointments vanished, social media felt like rubbing salt into the wound, so I deleted everything and shrank my world to my partner, daughter, our dog, and cats.'
Keith said that while he loves his family, most days he is 'the classic Aldi ghost: shuffling aisles and praying no one tries small talk'.
'Sometimes I realise I haven't spoken aloud since my partner left for work. This email is the longest thing I've shared outside therapy in years.
'Inside, I'm desperately lonely'
Another female reader said she has gone from 'an extraordinary sociable girl' to 'a very lonely woman' after a number of life-changing events, including the birth of her children, the Covid pandemic, and the end of her marriage.
'I appear to always be in control and the life of the party, but inside I'm desperately lonely,' she said.
'I find it easy to be funny and on the periphery, but I'm very scared that if I know anyone on any deep level, they will be sucked into the dripping blackness of my isolation. So I crack jokes, make out that everything fine, make sure that others are okay, while ignoring my own needs.
Motherhood, Covid and separation are a very heady mix and I probably will not get over any of them.
A 25-year-old reader said he has felt alone for a long time. He works most days and tries to put on a mask, 'but inside, I feel hollow and dead'.
'I genuinely feel depressed all the time and feel like my so-called friends don't understand. I drink and smoke a lot to get me through days.
'In life, relationships and even at social events and work, I struggle every day.'
The reader said he has self harmed many times and has attempted to take his own life. While his family and councillors have helped him through this, 'it's a struggle through everyday as the loneliness is like a black hole'.
He encouraged other people who feel alone to reach out to someone. 'It's the only reason I'm able to write this email.'
'As a man, it's harder to make friends'
For other readers, aging has meant feeling increasingly lonely.
Michael, a 42-year-old reader from Dublin, said that as he has gotten older, his circle of friends has 'gone away' and he now only sees friends around once a year.
'As a man, it's harder to make new social circles. People have less time and stick to what they know. I've tried to reach out to people, but out of sight, out of mind, so I gave up,' he said.
'The lack of friends makes me feel uncared for and unimportant, which puts me in a very dark place. Sometimes you think 'what's the point?''.
A single reader in her 50s has also noticed that 'when you get older, you are in danger of becoming sidelined both socially and at work'.
'I have cried at being 'ghosted' by people who have decided that there must be something wrong with me, because I haven't settled down and had children,' she said.
However, the reader said that lockdown was the making of her as she realised how well she can enjoy her own company'. She now reads a lot and gets involved in community affairs, not looking to make friends 'but if I do get friendly with people, that's a bonus'.
To anyone else who feels lonely, she said: 'Look after your health, work on yourself and like the good stuff that makes you the person you are.
'Help when you can, but don't overextend yourself and remember – ghosters, mean people and snobs are not worth your time and energy.'
If you have been affected by any issues raised within this article, support is available here:
Samaritans
– 116 123 or email
[e-mail]
Pieta House
– 1800 247 247 or email
[e-mail]
(suicide, self-harm)
Aware
– 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
Teen-Line Ireland
– 1800 833 634 (for ages 13 to 18)
Childline
– 1800 66 66 66 (for under 18s)
SpunOut
– text SPUNOUT to 50808 or visit
spunout.ie
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