10 ways to avoid Valentine's Day disappointment — yours and theirs
A box of chocolates is nice, but here's how to really win at love
With so many expectations tied to this holiday, it can be a real challenge to avoid Valentine's Day disappointment — Photo courtesy of Hispanolistic / E+
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If Valentine's Day feels like most other days to you, you're not alone. A recent survey revealed that more than half of Americans say they enjoy Valentine's Day as much as any other calendar day. However, if you're in a romantic relationship, don't be so sure your partner feels the same way. That assumption can lead to big Valentine's Day disappointment.
We asked relationship expert Dr. Sarah Hensley how couples can avoid letting each other down on this holiday so ladled with expectation. Here's what she had to say.
Ease the expectation for physical intimacy
This isn't the movies, friends. 'One of the biggest issues I see is that this day can come with an automatic expectation for physical intimacy," Hensley says. "In relationships where the emotional safety and intimacy is lacking, this can feel really inappropriate.'
Hensley instead recommends focusing on the emotional connection you have with your partner to avoid Valentine's Day disappointment.
'This can spark the return of physical intimacy," she says. "Most of the time when physical intimacy wanes, it's because people's attachment needs have gone deeply unmet for some time. Meeting your partner's attachment needs makes them feel both safe and loved. Safety is absolutely critical.'
Discuss Valentine's Day plans up front — along with budget
A surefire way to avoid Valentine's Day disappointment is to ask your partner if they want to exchange gifts and, if so, agree upon a spending limit. For some couples, a pragmatic conversation like this comes naturally; for others, it might feel a bit odd. But the momentary awkwardness of a direct conversation can prevent the real awkwardness of one partner getting a card, while the other receives a nice piece of jewelry.
If in doubt, do more, not less
This tip from Hensley can save some real headache. 'Sometimes in relationships we have to be sacrificial, and just because the holiday isn't important to us, it might really be important to our partners,' she says.
Hensley suggests that men in heterosexual relationships consider taking the lead in planning something special for Valentine's Day.
"Overall, women tend to prefer men to plan and execute dates," she says. "In fact, in my coaching practice, something I hear very often is how turned off female partners can be when men don't take the lead on planning dates.'
Share a wish list to avoid Valentine's Day disappointment
Don't leave your partner hanging or playing the guessing game on what would bring you joy on Valentine's Day. Whether you hand them a catalog with a few items circled or tell them about a restaurant you've been dying to try, you can drop helpful hints along the way.
Stick with flowers
A beautiful bouquet or floral arrangement is a time-tested way to make someone feel special. You can pair the bouquet with a meaningful note (more on that below) or have it delivered to your partner's workplace for a midday surprise. Bonus points for knowing your partner's favorite flower!
A few meaningful words go a long way
Whether spoken directly or handwritten in a card, Valentine's Day is a great occasion to share what you appreciate about your partner.
'For those who struggle with vulnerability, the trick is to give compliments that are unique to your partner,' says Hensley.
Avoid generic sentiments you'd find in a greeting card. Think about the specific ways — big and small – your partner adds richness to your life.
Plan an adventure together
Going on an adventure you've both planned can bring you closer together — Photo courtesy of DMP / E+
If you're usually a "dinner and a movie" couple, break out of the norm. It can be as adventurous as a fly-in romantic date or as simple as a day trip to a neighboring town. Experts say that traveling as a couple can be healthy for a relationship, especially when you plan something together.
Explore: Las Vegas, baby! How to plan an unforgettable romantic getaway
Choose the best day, not the right day
Is February 14 not a convenient day to celebrate? Instead of skipping Valentine's Day altogether, plan to do something on another day and communicate the change of plans in advance to avoid Valentine's Day disappointment. Most people simply want some quality time together, even if it can't be on the proper holiday.
Wish them a Happy Valentine's Day right away
There's nothing worse than hoping your partner remembered. Hensley says that even if you've planned a surprise for later in the evening, acknowledge right away what day it is. Otherwise, "your partner might think you forgot and spend most of the day feeling sad and insignificant,' Hensley says.
You can even let them know you have something special planned for later without spoiling the surprise.
"Letting them know that morning that you are excited to celebrate with them will leave them anticipating what is coming," Hensley says. "Excitement between couples fosters bonding. We find our partners more attractive when they spark our curiosity.'
Hotels & Resorts: 10 romantic hotels near national parks that will capture your heart
Know your partner
Knowing your love language and your partner's love language — and communicating this to each other — is an effective way to avoid Valentine's Day disappointment. According to best-selling author Gary Chapman, the five love languages are acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and physical touch.
Adds Hensley: 'Attachment science can help create mutual understanding between how people prefer to be loved, leading to more empathy for each other and fewer disagreements.'
Now, get out there, follow these tips, and make Cupid proud.
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