Can I track you, beta? How overprotective parenting is changing childhood

Time of India

3 days ago

Representative Image
In an unsafe world, parents are keeping kids close, but curbs on their movement come at a cost, say experts
Like many Mumbaikars who grew up before the turn of the century, Dr Kruti Kachalia recalls walking to school and tuition on her own, sometimes taking an auto. Evenings were spent playing freely in the building compound or the nearby park, with no adult supervision.
The eye surgeon wishes her 13-year-old daughter could enjoy the same freedom. But she's too anxious about the 'dangers out there' to let Siya* venture out alone. Until recently, Kachalia would leave her busy practice to escort Siya to evening classes, birthday parties, and playdates. When Siya began insisting on going to badminton class by herself, Kachalia reluctantly agreed — but with several conditions. She booked an Uber auto, tracked her daughter's location, and stayed on the phone with her the entire time.
'My heart was in my mouth when she travelled by auto alone for the first time,' she says. 'The world never feels like a safe place for my daughter to travel alone, but I also wonder whether my fears are preventing me from letting her learn to live in this world.'
Kachalia's dilemma echoes that of many millennial parents — caught between wanting to protect their children and the need to give them space to grow. They don't want to hover or stifle their kids, knowing how crucial independence and street smarts are.
But the incidents they hear and read about makes it hard to let go.
Step into any urban housing complex and you'll see the shift: few children playing outdoors, and those who do are often accompanied by a water-bottle toting nanny or a mom (sometimes a dad) to keep an eye on them. Pune-based child psychiatrist and parent coach Dr Bhooshan Shukla says overprotectiveness is most pronounced among the educated upper middle class.
'The upper middle class thrives on anxiety and want to play safe all the time, so being too careful is pretty much the norm for them,' he says.
This trend isn't limited to India. In her piece titled 'Freedom or Safety? Can Kids Have Both?', Annabella Daily — a US-based Finnish mother and journalist — writes that American parents often prioritise protection over independence. Many push back against her Nordic-inspired suggestions of giving kids more space, saying, 'It's just not safe,' even as they agree that independence is essential for children to thrive and learn vital life skills.
No gender gap
While girl parents have always been careful, parents with boys are becoming cautious too. The recent incident of a female teacher allegedly sexually assaulting a 16-year-old male student at a prominent Mumbai school has added to their fears. Pune mom Nisha Mehta* says her son, who is almost 12, wants to walk to their complex gate to catch his school bus on his own. 'Maybe I will allow him a year later, but definitely not now,' she says.
Mehta feels parents have been taking boys' safety too lightly. 'In most school abuse cases one hears of these days, the victim is a little boy. One can't trust male school staff. In fact, the recent incident in Mumbai made me feel that we can't trust even females. We tend to feel that our kids are safest with middle-aged aunty-type teachers, but look at what happened.'
Like Kachalia, Mehta too was out and about on her own a lot when she was a teen.
She would ride her Scooty to college when she was 16. 'Metros like Mumbai, Pune, Bengaluru and Ahmedabad were considered fairly safe for women and girls unlike parts of the north where ladkiyon ko taadna aur chedna (staring and teasing girls) was commonplace. Unfortunately, the situation has changed, and we can't take chances with our son,' says Mehta.
The cost of safety
Experts warn that while parents may believe they're keeping their children safe by staying hyper-alert — sometimes quite literally sleeping with one eye open — they may actually be doing more harm than good.
Recent studies have linked overprotective parenting to higher risks of anxiety, anger issues, depression, and even reduced life expectancy in children. The latter, according to research by University College London and the Federal University of São Carlos in Brazil, is one of the more alarming long-term effects.
In the short term, the most noticeable impact is a lack of confidence in many children.
Gurugram mom Radha Banerjee* shares an example: 'My 12-year-old daughter attends a class on the 14th floor of our building.
I always go to drop and pick her. But I was busy recently and told her to go on her own, taking my phone with her. She refused. After some cajoling, she went in the lift but stepped out on the next floor when a delivery boy entered the lift.' She adds that the 'stranger-danger' talks they gave when Rini* was a toddler have left her too scared to venture out independently.
Parenting researcher Harpreet Grover feels parents are focusing too much on keeping their kids physically safe, but are not as vigilant about their virtual safety.
'A parent today will not let their 10-year-old go down to play by themselves, but they will allow the kid to have a phone and let them be in the room all by themselves. Parents need to worry about what content their child sees online and what they do on social media.
They need to make kids spend less time with a screen and promote far more interaction with life.'
Grover feels the common fear that accidents and abuse cases are going up is not necessarily correct.
'I don't think there are more cases of abuse and accidents than before; more incidents are being reported now. In fact, physical injuries have reduced as roads are so busy that kids no longer cycle or walk alone on them. I don't remember the last time I saw a child with a plaster. When I was a child, we all would break a bone or two at some point.
The broken bones are mendable, but their childhood will not come back. We should let them play.'z
Dr Shukla agrees that while parents are doing the right thing by educating their kids about strangers and good/bad touch from a young age, they are forgetting the world inside the house can be dangerous too. 'We must remember that 90% of heinous crimes like sexual assault on children happen in homes at the hands of the closest relatives. So, we must also question our assumptions about trust,' he says.
Find a balance
Child development experts say a balance can be struck.
'Parents need to understand that if they want their kids to grow, they need to take some risks. There is no situation where there is no risk,' says Shukla. 'We don't need to make our kids play on balcony ledges to make them stronger, but we should not cocoon them either.'
Ahmedabad mom Raashi Mittal has been trying to find a middle ground. She allows her 16-year-old daughter to travel to coaching classes by herself in an auto, but not for Navratri garba nights which often last till 3 or 4am.
'She fights with us over this, but our stand is clear. If she wants, she can call her friends for garba where we are going, so we can keep an eye.'
Tech to the rescue
Some parents are turning to technology to ensure their children's safety when they're alone. Dr Kruti Kachalia recently installed a new tracking app on her daughter's phone that offers live location sharing, an SOS button, and even a feature that lets her listen to the ambient sounds around Siya — just in case.
'Thanks to the app, one day, I heard her having an unpleasant exchange with an auto driver who was fighting for change and not dropping her to the location she asked for.
We later talked to her about how she could have dealt with this situation better,' she says. Kachalia is thankful for these tools. 'These can be greatly helpful in allowing teens to become independent. We can't keep them in a bubble.'
Mehta has started putting an air tag on her son's T-shirt so she knows where he is.
He can now go to the local club for table tennis with friends. The driver drops them till the lobby and then they manage themselves. 'I am taking small steps toward giving him total freedom.'
Use controlled exposure
Sushant Kalra, founder of the Parwarish Institute of Parenting, says there should be no debate regarding giving freedom to kids. 'Should we send our kids out on their own? The answer is a big yes. Is the situation difficult compared to our times? The answer is yes, again.
But that does not change the need to teach children to live on their own. There is no guarantee that we will be alive tomorrow, and the world is not getting any safer, so we have to train our kids to be independent today.
'
He believes the only way to prepare is to start early ('Not at 25 which is the age when most parents think their kids are ready to be alone') and to train them well via controlled exposure (to real-life situations).
For instance, Kalra allowed his daughter to go to the market which is 300 metres from their Delhi home alone when she was just seven years old. He followed her, hiding behind cars, to ensure her safety without restricting her.
His son and daughter, now 25 and 19, also went to their classes by auto on their own from the age of 10. 'I would give them a phone and tell them to call me or their mom the moment they sat in the auto and tell us the auto number in a loud voice, so the driver is aware that the parents have the license number," he says.
'I ensured their safety while also giving them independence. This gave my kids immense confidence.'
Kalra also started teaching his kids road safety from the time they were three-four years old. 'I used to tell them that 'I have not held your hand, you have held my hand. I will cross only when you tell me to go.' It made them feel they were in charge and this made them alert.'
* Names changed on request