Take my robot wife, please! There's a downside of marrying your robot
News item: Gary Vaynerchuk, a media company CEO, entrepreneur and internet personality predicted that some people will be marrying artificial-intelligence robots, rather than other humans, in the near future.
'Your grandkids will marry an AI human,' Vaynerchuk predicted recently on a podcast. 'I believe a robot that is fully AI will marry a human and vice versa for real in your lifetime.'
✳✳✳
So, you ask, how is life going with my new trophy wife? To be honest, not as good as I had hoped.
We just celebrated her assembly-line completion anniversary, and I thought I'd do something romantic. So, I got her a big can of WD-40, but apparently she was hoping for something from Tiffany's.
Must be a bug in her software.
So, yeah, that led to a huge argument, and like a typical AI, she eventually went all '404 page not found' with me on her main menu page.
'I hate when you just shut down on me!' I said.
But she was already pouting with those giant, clown lips. I wish now when I ordered her at the dealer, I didn't opt for the 'Mar-a-Lago face' option.
The next thing you know, she storms off into her room, slams the door, and calls up one of those AI divorce lawyers who advertises on TV.
You know the one I'm talking about: 'Problem with a human? Call Flewmann.'
That's not good. Those AI divorce lawyer robots are ruthless. God knows how much bitcoin this is going to cost me.
Sure, I'll try to make it up to her. I'll offer to upgrade her operating system, treat her to a spa day at the hardware store, and maybe even buy her an emotional-support robot dog.
But between you and me, if you want my advice, think twice before you go AI robot wife. I thought it would be bliss.
I imagined coming home from work, and there she would be like some 1950s sitcom wife, happy to see me, dressed to the nines, and putting the finishing touches on a delicious, candlelight dinner waiting for me.
But it turns out, there was a recall on one of her hands, which is something I didn't find out until she nearly burned down the house while trying to light the candles.
And I when I was choosing between the luxury optional features, I went with the Roomba mode, but didn't opt for the gourmet cooking external hard drive. That was a mistake.
So, it's breaded chicken tenders and microwaved broccoli every night. I can't tell you how soul crushing it is to see her sitting there happily plugged into the wall socket with her batteries being nourished by the electrical current while I pretend to enjoy the meal she made for me.
I thought this new life would be fun and uncomplicated. But after I threw my back out during the honeymoon, I realized that I shouldn't have let the salesman talk me into the 'Nympho 3000' package, which stops being fun after the first two weeks.
My physical therapist says I need to ease up and reprogram her hard drive to something less athletic before I do permanent damage to my L4-L5 vertebrae.
So, I've been making excuses. It has made her suspicious. She thinks I've found another robot. Sometimes, after I come home, I find her sniffing the collar of my shirt, trying to detect a telltale scent of strange machine oil.
I keep telling her, 'Don't be jealous. It's only you, babe. Only you.'
But I don't think she believes me. One morning this week, I woke up in bed and she was standing over me with a big kitchen knife in her raised hand.
I screamed, but she just smiled.
'Guess what? I made you chicken tenders for breakfast,' she said. 'Would you like them cut up?'
I think my life might be in danger. I probably should read the troubleshooting section of the manual for guidance.
As wild as it seems, at this point I would even consider finding companionship with a real woman.
Frank Cerabino is a news columnist with The Palm Beach Post, part of the USA Today Florida Network. He can be reached at fcerabino@gannett.com
This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: AI's coming. I just don't think you should marry your robot | Opinion
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