Roseanne Barr's Illiteracy Charity Snatches 100 Millionth Book From Child

The Onion

08-04-2025

LOS ANGELES—Thanking everyone who had helped her make the world a more unequal and uneducated place, actress and comedian Roseanne Barr announced Monday that her illiteracy charity had snatched its 100 millionth book from a child.
Barr, an outspoken critic of childhood literacy, has spent more than 15 years working tirelessly with a nonprofit she founded to empty bookshelves, destroy literature, and deny children of all ages access to adequate reading materials. In a ceremony held at a local elementary school, the outspoken celebrity marked the achievement by forcibly ripping the book If You Give A Mouse A Cookie from the hands of a shocked 5-year-old surrounded by dozens of screaming, crying classmates.
'Today, we celebrate the hard work this charity has done to take dangerous, prose-filled books out of the hands of kids most at risk of learning,' said an elated Barr, surrounded by towering piles of Newbery Medal–winning literature she had personally seized from children just minutes earlier. 'In too many parts of the country, students can simply go to school, talk to their teacher, and get access to a wealth of reading materials about whatever they want, from history to science to politics.'
'No child should have to live in a world where they are able to freely and easily learn about different cultures, religions, or belief systems,' Barr added. 'Fortunately, we're one step closer to saving the next generation from the written word.'
According to the organization's website, Roseanne Barr's Illiteracy Foundation began in 2009 as a way to address soaring literacy rates in her hometown of Salt Lake City, where she witnessed firsthand how investing in early childhood education harmed students throughout their lives by providing them with the tools they needed to ingest, process, and synthesize information.
With help from local leaders across the country, Barr's nonprofit has been able to confiscate millions of books from students in all 50 states, placing an emphasis on those who earn high grades, have perfect attendance records, and express an interest in reading all types of literature, including works full of nuance and ideas that may encourage intellectual development.
Hundreds of grateful families thanked Barr on social media yesterday, posting videos of the TV star yanking reading materials from their children's hands, tearing out the pages, and placing the young students in front of a TV, computer, or phone that was loudly playing media with zero educational value.
'My child used to be so curious, but I'm proud to say Roseanne's Illiteracy Foundation extinguished that light,' said Clearwater, FL resident Cara Donahue, who watched proudly as Barr taunted her son by holding a book he had been reading above his head, just out of reach. 'I remember how scared I was when my 8-year-old told me that he'd read his first chapter book, Diary Of A Wimpy Kid. All I could think was, 'I failed him.''
'What a dark future he might have had if he'd continued to expand his mind,' Donahue added. 'He could have gone on to read even bigger books written by Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, or Mark Twain. Or worse, ended up in New York City with a worthless Ph.D. in something like comparative literature.'
At the ceremony, Barr reunited with dozens of children she had helped over the years and joined them in dousing various books, newspapers, and historical texts in gasoline, lighting a match, and cheering as centuries' worth of notable American literature erupted into enormous, 20-foot-tall flames.
Barr even brought back one of her first 'Illiterate Angels,' 24-year-old Eli Jefferson, who with the charity's help stopped reading completely and later went on to drop out of school and devote himself full-time to playing violent video games, watching YouTube, and posting on men's rights activist message boards.
'Years ago, Roseanne Barr came to my school, took away my books, and changed my life forever,' said Jefferson, who played his Nintendo Switch and shouted profanities throughout Barr's entire speech. 'Growing up, my parents were intellectuals, and they would sit me down for hours and read me all kinds of sick, twisted stories that sometimes had characters who were of a race, religion, or sexual orientation different from me.'
'Roseanne gave me the confidence and the communications skills to yell slurs at a total stranger when I first played Call Of Duty,' Jefferson added. 'It was like a switch flipped. At that moment, I knew I needed to quit school and do that for the rest of my life.'
In an effort to further her mission of childhood illiteracy, Barr will soon embark on a cross-country road trip, awarding cash incentives to students every time they get a teacher fired, doxx their principal, or call in a bomb threat to their school.
'Sadly, despite our crumbling education system, you can still be a child in America and succeed,' said Barr, adding that she hoped one day to ensure that every school, library, and home in America was totally empty of books. 'The reason I've come as far as I have is because I've worked hard to dumb myself down, block out any views that oppose my own, and only consume media that reinforces my personal worldview. I just hope I can do the same for these kids.'
'No matter your age, gender, race, or income level, you deserve the chance to be illiterate,' Barr continued. 'That's what America's all about.'