Guy Fieri's Flavortown cocktails are fun in theory but a step worse in execution

USA Today

25-04-2025

Guy Fieri's Flavortown cocktails are fun in theory but a step worse in execution
Welcome back to FTW's Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.
Guy Fieri is America's sigil for chaotic good. The aesthetics, the commentary and his continued commitment to helping make him some kind of culinary demi-god; a kindly satyr who paints his canvas not in hormone but in hunger.
While easily mocked, Fieri's accomplishments cannot be torn down. The man understands the comfort food provides and how to maximize it. Granted, it's often wrapped in a sartorial throwback to the days of Von Dutch hats and Ed Hardy t-shirts, but it generally hits the spot. Fieri is a bit weird, sloppy and ultimately enjoyable. His foods and drink, for the most part, follow the same formula.
However, I'm coming into this review with mixed feelings. On one hand, Fieri and Sammy Hagar teamed up for Santo tequila, which is a fine spirit and a great bargain. That suggests he's on top of his liquor branding game.
On the other, Hagar's Beach Bar canned cocktails were... rough. A low calorie disappointment that satisfied no one. Can Fieri or Hagar make good booze without the influence of the other?
Let's find out.
Fruit punch: C+
This pours a lovely electric pink with a quickly dissipating cascade of bubbles behind it. It smells... uh, well. It smells awful. Like spoiled citrus. I'm drinking this about six months after receiving it and it smells like it has gone bad. Like someone added a touch of gasoline to the mix.
Well, OK. Let's see how it tastes.
Fortunately, it's better than it smells. It's slightly boozy and slightly fruity and undeniably drinkable. You get a lot of sweet citrus up front, with orange and cherry and a little bit of lime standing out. It ends with the minor warmth of neutral spirits. That's not enough to turn you away, but enough to let you know you're dealing with more booze than your typical seltzer. This punch clocks in at six percent alcohol by volume (ABV).
This all makes it significantly better to keep in the can. Avoid that rotten, boozy orange smell and you're left with a perfectly feasible canned cocktail. The bubbles are crisp, the citrus balances sweet and tart well and it's easy to drink. Each sip leaves behind a pleasant lingering aftertaste.
But each whiff reminds me of Safety Shot, which remains the worst thing I've ever drank in my life. So you can see the conflict here.
Fidddy Fidddy: B-
A John Daly cocktail makes so much sense that I can't imagine Daly and Fieri haven't teamed up before. Daly has his share of boozy endorsements, but I have to imagine a collaboration between the two would be a top seller in the senior tour.
I'm drinking this one as the fates intended. Out of the can, nestled in a koozie, on one of the first warm days of a Wisconsin spring. It smells like powdered lemonade mix once the can is cracked.
The first sip, however, is heavy tea. The lemon kicks in, but it's more like a can of Brisk than an Arnold Palmer. Or a John Daly.
It's a little syrupy and undebatably artificial. But it's not bad, as long as you came up with Crystal Light in your family cupboards. It's a bit cloying with that Splenda-adjacent sweetness. Not enough to turn you away, but enough to keep you at one can for the night.
So, it's fine. Not memorable but drinkable. Totally reasonable in a way that won't have you asking for another.
Tangerine-n-tea: B
We're staying on brand with back to back tea, sipped on a deck on a warm -- well, warm for a Wisconsin April -- day. Like the fidddy-fidddy, the smell off the top isn't tea but it's foreign influence. I'm this case, a Sour Patch-ish orange.
And, yep, that's what you get. Orange tea. It's not a combination I see often and it's a little strange. Sweet and sour and floral and, ultimately, kinda nice? I'm a little surprised it isn't called something like "TANGO-WITH-ME TEA" but I appreciate the restraint.
Really, it's a proper hard tea that fits perfectly with a warm day. Cookout? Sure. Golf course? Sounds ideal. Indy 500? There's probably too many calories for me to feel great about it, but yeah I could get through a 12er of this whilst immediately sweating it out.
It's not complex. It's slightly original, which is nice. And it's one of the better hard teas out there, which isn't an especially high bar to clear but it gets there. This is the proof of concept Fieri needed with this mix pack.
Tiki Town tropical punch: B
It pours a... slightly concerning deep yellow. But no more concerning than a Mountain Dew, so that's good. I think? It smells strong and citrusy and, honestly, not great.
Fortunately, it tastes much better. There's an almost spicy essence behind the punch -- like a hint of cinnamon. There's a bit of orange and some vague citrus flavors. Lemon, maybe some guava? It's tough to tell, but it's all a reasonable swirl that starts off slightly harsh but quickly mellows into something better.
It extends a solid turnaround from a lineup of cocktails that started out with a pair of forgettable drinks. The Tiki Town punch is fine, though it feels like something that works better as a make-your-own cocktail rather than a ready-to-drink. That was always going to limit Flavortown.
While it's not my favorite canned mixed drink it's still got some utility. You do get more of a real fruit juice experience here than in other competitors, which is a nice touch. Mixing that with canned carbonation in a "malt beverage" just puts a governor on how effective that can be.
Would I drink it instead of a Hamm's?
This a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I'm drinking to my baseline cheap beer. That's the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm's. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I drink Flavortown canned cocktails over a cold can of Hamm's?
I think I'm good. There are some nice ideas at play here, and I'd grab one as a change of pace if I'm having a few drinks. But nothing in the Flavortown lineup was a must-have.