How the 5 love languages framework can help make your friendships stronger
Do you love gift giving? Loathe hugs? How you seek out and give affection is known as your 'love language.'
Originally introduced by Gary Chapman, a Baptist minister, the five love languages — words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — offer a framework for understanding how people express and receive love. While Chapman isn't a formal relationship researcher, a common critique of his work, his 1992 book on the topic has resonated with many seeking to strengthen their romantic connections, with more than 20 million copies sold.
Experts say that this love language theory can be applied beyond romantic relationships and that using the basic concept in your friendships can help you avoid hurt feelings and mismatched expectations.
The five love languages are ways in which you show you care about others and reflect how you want to be shown affection.
Words of affirmation: Expressing love through spoken or written words, such as sharing appreciative words or paying a compliment
Quality time: Showing love through spending meaningful time together, such as having deep conversations or doing activities where you're focused on each other
Acts of service: Helping your loved one by doing things that benefit their lives, such as by running errands, cooking meals or offering support
Physical touch: Expressing affection through physical closeness, such as hugs, kisses or hand-holding
Gifts: Giving presents to show appreciation, such as a thoughtful birthday gift or picking up a special treat while at a coffee shop
Chapman says that people can appreciate more than one language and that they're ranked for people in order of importance: So, while you may really love quality time, you also need some words of affirmation to feel cared for.
Friendships and romantic relationships aren't all that different from one another, as 'both require tending, understanding and a willingness to truly 'see' the other,' psychotherapist Barbie Atkinson tells Yahoo Life.
Just like in romance, people crave different things in friendship. 'One friend might need a stream of texts — words of affirmation — while another just wants you to be there and quality time is key,' Atkinson explains. 'Use the love languages as a lens to understand what truly fills your friends' cup.'
Here are some ways the love languages may show up in friendships, specifically:
Words of affirmation: Sending encouraging texts, hyping your friend up or complimenting them
Quality time: Planning one-on-one hangouts or having deep conversations on the phone
Acts of service: Helping with errands, supporting them with child care or offering to bring them food or medicine when sick
Physical touch: Giving hugs, linking arms while walking or sitting close on a couch
Gifts: Bringing back a souvenir from a trip, giving a thoughtful birthday present or picking up an extra coffee for them when you hang out
Discovering what makes your friend tick can be like a 'friendship cheat code,' Atkinson says.
It can also help you align your expectations of another person, Victoria Kress, professor of psychological sciences and counseling at Youngstown State University, tells Yahoo Life. For example, you may have a friend who texts you constantly throughout the day to show that they care, but texting isn't super meaningful for you or may even bother you. Or, you may take charge of planning a vacation — what you see as an act of service — but your friends think it displays bossiness rather than care.
This disconnect in how we see our friends displaying caring can lead us to conflict. We might assume our friends don't care about us simply because they don't show it as we would, Kress says.
'We look at other people's behaviors and we interpret them through our own lens and through our own experiences,' she shares. 'That can really get us in trouble in terms of just understanding people's intentions.'
Friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson tells Yahoo Life that it helps to be clear about how you expect your friends to show up for you. 'It requires psychological labor and emotional maturity to remind yourself that just because you have assigned meaning to something doesn't mean other people have,' she says. 'Be really careful about conflating, 'You did not do this gesture, so you don't care about me.''
If your pal has been a consistent and caring friend over the years, Jackson emphasizes that one missed gesture shouldn't be seen as 'invalidating' the entire relationship.
Instead, she suggests using these moments as opportunities for communication. If birthdays are significant to you, expressing that to your friend — rather than assuming they don't care — can help close the gap before misunderstandings take root.
'Have the talks, set the expectations and focus on intentionality,' says Atkinson. 'Even if you struggle with a particular love language, the effort you put into meeting your friend's needs will be deeply appreciated. Focus on the thought behind your actions, and communicate that thought clearly.'
Whether or not you call it your love language, learning how your friends like to be cared for can help strengthen your bond and avoid misunderstandings.
If you find that you don't appreciate the way in which your friend shows care, however — or feel like their expectations of you are too rigid or are too difficult to meet, even after communicating your differences — it may not be the right friendship to be in.
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As they walked, Burton says young people kept approaching them with hugs, thanking them for being supportive parents. 'It was so incredibly powerful and wonderful but also sad,' she says. 'Every time one of them would walk away, Christine and I would look at one another and be like, I can't fathom not embracing your child.' This past weekend, Burton's small town of Pleasantville, N.Y, held its first-ever Pride celebration. After reaching out to the founder of Mama Bears, Burton and her best friend set up a table at Pride to share information about the organization with others. 'I think the only way to make change is literally person by person,' she says. Burton acknowledges that as a stranger she can't make up for the acceptance and love of an actual parent. 'But if it helps bridge the gap just a little bit, then that's all that matters.'
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