I'm forced to witness my wife dating endless stream of men as we still live together… did she ever really love me?
SINCE my wife and I split up, she's been dating a constant stream of men.
Although we're separated, we still live together, so I have to see her getting dolled up almost every night, then sometimes not coming home until the morning.
Her behaviour makes me feel like she can't ever really have loved me, and it's killing me.
We're in our mid-thirties and have been together since college. She's the only woman I've ever loved. Things started going wrong four years ago, after our daughter was born.
My wife went off sex, blaming tiredness. But even when our daughter started sleeping through the night, she didn't want me any more.
She stopped communicating and wanted to go out with her friends, leaving me to babysit. Then, six months ago, she told me our marriage was over.
She said she didn't love me any more.
But for financial reasons, it's been impossible for me to move out, and being stuck living together has made her resentful.
Recently, she told me that as we're over, I'd have to put up with her seeing other men because she didn't want to wait any longer.
She's on a dating site, meeting a different man every week. I can't tell you how painful it is.
When she rolls home in the same clothes, and I know she has slept with another man, I want to cry. I'm just thankful she hasn't brought anyone back to
our house
.
I still love her and don't want sex or a relationship with anyone else. I thought she was my soul mate and that we would be together for ever.
Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy
The thought of having to move out and be alone again — just a part-time dad — is unbearable.
I'm on anti-depressants because I feel so low.
Yet she's going out partying as if she doesn't have a care in the world. How can I let her go and move on with my life?
DEIDRE SAYS:
Having to live together after separating is now, unfortunately, a common issue.
Your wife has moved on emotionally, but you haven't. Perhaps she thinks rubbing your face in her sexual activity will make you move out quicker.
Instead, it's destroying you. It won't be good for your daughter either.
While it's good you are taking medication, counselling would also help. Ask your doctor about this.
It's a soul-destroying feeling being stuck in an unhappy situation, so try to work out a timescale for you to be able to separate physically also. This will help you to move on.
If there's any way you could stay with a relative or friend for a while, so you are out of this toxic environment, that will also be beneficial.
My support pack, Moving On, should be useful, too.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to
You can also send a private message on the
THANK YOU FOR... HELPING EASE SON'S ANXIETY OVER SPLIT
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER separating from my wife, I tried hard to be a good dad to my son, but every time I had him for the weekend, he just cried for his mum.
It felt like she'd made me out to be the bad guy because I'd left her. But the truth is, I only left after she had an affair.
The last thing I ever wanted was to split up my family, with a child of eight in the middle of it, or to be single at 40.
I wrote to you asking how I could help my son to settle when he stayed with me. His
You sent me your support pack, When Parents Fall Out, which explained how any tension between me and my ex could hurt my son.
You also recommended I contact the
And you reassured me that I was a good dad, and I needed to keep on telling my son I love him – so he didn't blame himself.
I took your advice and my son now seems much more secure when he's with me. He's even messaging me from his tablet when he's at home.
Thank you.
DEIDRE SAYS:
Change is hard for everyone, but especially children. I'm so glad I was able to help and that your son is coming to terms with your split.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend is so judgmental, he makes me feel like I can't be myself.
When I went out with some friends the other night and got drunk, he was really annoyed.
He told me he didn't love me when I drank and that they're a bad influence.
We're both 18 and have been together for two years. I hate feeling like I'm not good enough for him and have to act the way he expects.
We had a big row and now he's being all sweet and loving because he knows he upset me. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS:
If he's making you feel you can't be yourself, and emotionally blackmailing you, it's a red flag. Being concerned about you is one thing, but controlling is another.
Tell him how you feel and ask him to be more understanding. But if things don't change, it might be wise to move on. Read my support pack, Learning About Relationships.
ANGERED BY DAUGHTER USING EX TO DECEIVE ME
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my teenage daughter told me she wanted to get her nose pierced, I forbade her from doing it.
But my ex – her dad – gave his permission, despite knowing how I felt.
Now she has an extra hole in her nose and I'm furious with both of them for being so sneaky and dishonest.
I'm a single mum in my early 40s. My daughter is 15. She got her ears pierced at nine, with my blessing.
But when she said she wanted a nose stud because she thinks it looks cool, I vetoed the idea.
Personally, I think having lots of piercings looks tacky.
And I also worry about whether it'll affect her chances of getting a job in the
future
.
Plus, I was concerned it might get infected.
I told her if she still wanted to do it at 18, it was her choice.
Instead of taking no for an answer, she went behind my back and asked her dad. She came home from her weekend at his with a great big stud in her nose. I'm really furious.
They think I'm overreacting, but I feel very strongly about this issue.
Am I in the wrong?
DEIDRE SAYS:
Teenagers love to rebel, so it's likely telling your daughter you think nose piercings look tacky will only have encouraged her.
But the damage is done.
The hole will eventually heal up if she takes out the stud – which she may have to do at school anyway, depending on their policies. And she can remove it for job
interviews
– if she hasn't grown bored with it by then.
It sounds, understandably, like you're more angry she went behind your back, and that your ex disrespected you, than you are about the piercing itself.
When you're calmer, you need to sit down with each of them and explain why this has upset you so much.
Consider agreeing to some rules and boundaries with your ex so you're on the same page in future.
NEED TO CHANGE MY PERFECTIONISM
DEAR DEIDRE: I'M such an obsessive perfectionist that it's spoiling my life – and my marriage.
When I planned a birthday party and people either didn't reply or let me down at the last minute, I was so upset that it ruined the whole event for me. Now, I've stopped speaking to several friends.
I'm a 38-year-old woman and my husband is 40. I always go the extra mile for everyone. The problem is, I expect everyone else to be as diligent as me, and when they're not, I feel let down and stop trusting them. I've driven away so many people that I'm increasingly lonely and hate myself.
I do talk to my husband about this and he says I should just 'chill' and stop holding people to impossible standards.
I'm the same at work. I always end up doing overtime and resenting the rest of my team, who don't put in the same effort.
I know my perfectionism is unhealthy. How can I change?
DEIDRE SAYS:
It seems you lack self-confidence, which translates to neediness. You set impossible standards for everyone, including yourself, and when they're not met, you feel miserable.
It's likely this has roots in your childhood. Perhaps you were made to feel you were never good enough.
But nobody is perfect. Having flaws makes us human, and sometimes you need to forgive people – and yourself.
As you know, it's not that easy to just 'chill'. But talking to a counsellor could be beneficial.
See my support pack, How Counselling Can Help, for more information.
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