Andrew Flintoff admits wishing he had died during recovery from Top Gear crash
Cricket star Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff has admitted that a part of him wished he had died after his crash at the Top Gear test track.
The 47-year-old speaks about the accident in a new Disney+ documentary, which includes graphic photos of his wounds and commentary from an oral and maxillofacial surgeon who witnessed his injuries.
At one stage, he says: 'After the accident I didn't think I had it in me to get through. This sounds awful … part of me wishes I'd been killed. Part of me thinks, I wish I'd died.
'I didn't want to kill myself … I wouldn't mistake the two things.
'I was not wishing, I was just thinking, 'this would have been so much easier'.
'Now I try to take the attitude that the sun will come up tomorrow and my kids will still give me a hug. I'm probably in a better place now.'
Reflecting on his recovery, the former England cricket captain says his then three-and-a-half-year-old son Preston 'wouldn't come near me'.
'I think it frightened him, my face, it frightened me. That was heartbreaking,' he says in the film.
'I've got PTSD and I get anxious, for periods of time, I just find myself crying for no particular reason.'
Flintoff also said that he relives the crash every night when he goes to bed and described the experience as a 'vivid' movie.
'Even the memories of it are real, to the point where now I'm talking about it and I'm getting a bit jittery and I can feel the pain on the side of my face', he says.
'I can feel like a phantom pain. It's like a bit of a curse, really.'
Former Top Gear presenter Flintoff was taken to hospital after he was hurt while filming the BBC motoring show at its test track at Dunsfold Aerodrome in Surrey in December 2022.
Recalling the accident, he says: 'I thought I was dead because I was conscious but I couldn't see anything.
'I was thinking 'is that it?''.
He added: 'My biggest fear was, I didn't think I had a face. I thought my face had come off. I was frightened to death.'
The BBC 'rested' Top Gear for the foreseeable future in 2023 after reaching a financial settlement with Flintoff, an agreement reportedly worth around £9million.
In the documentary Flintoff appears resentful about the entertainment culture he was involved in, likening it to his own injury-ravaged playing career.
'Everybody wants more. Everybody want to dig that bit deeper,' he says.
Flintoff also speaks about his relationship with alcohol and experience with bulimia in the 90-minute documentary.
Comedian Jack Whitehall and actor and TV presenter James Corden, who appeared alongside him on A League Of Their Own, feature in the film, with Whitehall admitting that he was bulimic when he started his television career.
Speaking ahead of the documentary's premiere, Flintoff told the PA news agency that he been asked to do autobiographical-style pieces before 'and always found it a bit embarrassing.'
'The nice thing I suppose from a cricket sense is looking back on it, on a cricket career, which I don't tend to do to be honest, I tend to look forward,' he said.
He added: 'For me, I think people watch it and make their own minds up about me.
'I'm not trying to influence that. I've made it. It's gonna be out there, and it's up to people to decide. I'm sure there'll be some opinions.'
Referencing the crash, he said: 'It took a while, it's been hard. It's still a work in progress. I'm different but I'm all right.'
Speaking about the future, he added: 'I'm comfortable in what I'm doing now. I really enjoy it. You know, I do the odd TV job but I'm happy'.
Flintoff led the Northern Superchargers in the most recent edition of The Hundred and in December 2024 he presented a festive version of darts-themed game show Bullseye on ITV.
Flintoff will premiere exclusively on Disney+ in the UK and Ireland on Friday April 25.
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