Inside the World Crazy Golf Championship as 162 players compete for title on Hastings seafront – how did our man get on?
And last but not least, the windswept, drizzly grandeur of Hastings' Pelham Place, home to arguably the greatest fixture in the global sporting calendar — the 22nd World Crazy Golf Championship.
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Standing on the slate-grey seafront, just beyond the miniature railway and the swan lake pedalos, the tricky 18-hole course has played host to some of the most compelling confrontations in golfing history.
And as the rain lashes the painted windmill on hole five, it's my turn to take to the tee.
A hush falls over the cagoule-wearing crowd in East Sussex as I flick seagull poo from the soggy felt green and prepare to take the tournament by storm.
Nick 'The Hack' McGrath — your time is now.
Feet shoulder-width apart, back straight, putter poised, I stroke my WCGC-monogrammed ball effortlessly past the windmill towards the par two hole.
My opponents in the novice competition — Dee 'The Retailer' Relf, a 49-year-old Poundland store manager from Kent, and retired local aromatherapist 'Fragrant' Sue Goodhand, 74 — raise their eyebrows in surprise, clearly intimidated by my commanding presence.
Seventeen holes, 55 scattergun shots and zero holes-in-one later, I've disgraced myself and almost detached the wooden watermill on hole nine from its hinges.
'You did really well,' lies Sue charitably. 'Most first-timers average six or seven a hole, so well done.'
'Pretty fierce'
Like Sue, it's Dee's second year in the championship, but she's not confident about retaining the women's crown she took home last year.
'Too many mistakes this year,' she sighs, before revealing how she will spend her prize money if she does top the leaderboard again.
The ultimate hole-by-hole World Crazy Golf Championships course guide as 'Holy trinity' descend on Hastings
'Probably down the pub with a nice Jack Daniels and Coke.'
Sue and Dee are just two of the estimated 11million Brits that play crazy or mini golf regularly. The first UK course opened in Skegness in 1926 and today there are more than 1,200 in Britain.
'There is definitely an element of crazy in crazy golf,' admits event organiser Simon Tompkins.
'We started with 24 entrants in 2003, and there are 162 competitors this year, from as far and wide as Hungary, America and New Zealand.
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'It's a fun pastime for all the family and all generations. But when you get to the final round with the elite players, all the balls are in play at the same time, and they can knock each other out. The rivalry can get pretty fierce.'
The titans of the modern game are two-time champion Adam 'AK 47' Kelly and reigning, four-times winner Marc 'The Force' Chapman, who will become the joint most successful player of all time if he takes home the £1,250 first prize in the Pro Contest.
When you get to the final round with the elite players, all the balls are in play at the same time, and they can knock each other out. The rivalry can get pretty fierce
Event organiser Simon Tompkins
A fencing coach from Canterbury, 39-year-old father-of-one Marc believes crazy golf divinity has nothing to do with luck, and everything to do with mental strength.
'If you only played a one-round shootout, then anyone could get lucky and win,' says Marc, competing for the 15th time.
'But over a weekend of six or seven rounds you need focus, consistency and presence of mind. Without that, you're gone.'
And far from crumbling under the pressure, he positively revels in his rivalry with Adam Kelly and fellow elite veteran and former winner Michael Smith, who is sadly absent this year.
'We're like the Rafael Nadal, Novak Djokovic and Roger Federer of the Crazy Golf world,' says Marc, who plans to spend his prize money on servicing his Audi Q3.
Competing for the 16th time, double winner Adam, who triumphed in 2022 and 2023, is desperate to regain the title from his arch-rival.
'Last year, if I'm honest, I was just outplayed. Marc Chapman had a great year, and I wasn't quite at my best.
'I'd love to get the title back and go on to win five championships and to be talked about among the all-time greats of the tournaments. Of course I would.'
But Adam is also a realist. He is aware that he and other elite performers are not striking fear into Tiger Woods, Rory McIlroy and the professional golfing community.
'Rude awakening'
'You've got to have a sense of perspective,' admits Lincoln-based Adam.
'It's great to be able to call yourself a world champion and not many people get to do that. But I've also got enough perspective to realise it is a bit silly.'
Flamboyant Texan Rainey 'Rainman' Statum has travelled 5,000 miles from Houston to compete for the first time in the competition and he is struggling with the conditions.
'This one has been on my bucket list for years and years,' says the confident 63-year-old.
'But it's been a rude awakening. I'm Texas -born and raised and it's usually 95 degrees out there, so I'm freezing.
'I've got five layers on and I'm still shivering but I'm still confident. And if it doesn't work out this year, I'll be back next year.'
Rainey, who works in building maintenance at the Deerwood Country Club Golf Course in the US, featured in the 1996 comedy movie Tin Cup and has won $200,000 and numerous American crazy golf titles.
He believes that preparation is pivotal and played 25 rounds on the Hastings course before the event itself.
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'I've also got this bible,' he says, clutching a notepad full of intricate line drawings of the undulations, angles and eccentricities of each hole. 'This definitely helps, but you've still got to hit them.'
Obsession has its pitfalls though, reveals Rainey.
'My ex-wife got rid of me because I played too much crazy golf, so yeah, it kinda cost me my marriage. But my new lady friend loves it.' As the competition draws to a close on the Sunday afternoon, AK 47 slides down the leaderboard.
"But my new lady friend loves it.' As the competition draws to a close on the Sunday afternoon, AK 47 slides down the leaderboard.
Leapfrogging him into second place as the final round approaches is wily Welshman Seve 'The Dragon' Kukielka, currently top seed in the British Minigolf Association Rankings.
He gets to within a single shot of Marc Chapman but the Canterbury competitor's two holes-in-one in the final three holes earns him a record-breaking fifth title and enough prize money to service his Audi.
He is clearly jubilant after joining Tim Davies at the top of the all-time World Crazy Golf Championship table, and local player Murray Thompson eventually pips Seve to second place.
Marc is already thinking about passing the baton on to his crazy-golf-mad son Ambrose, three.
And how will Marc celebrate his triumph? 'Probably with a restless night being kicked in the back by the little one when he gets in the big bed.'
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