You can't call yourself a duchess then broadcast that video to the world

Telegraph

2 days ago

Dear God please, MAKE IT STOP. What, it has stopped? I think I'd better watch it again, just to – ewwww!
I can confirm the Meghan-in-labour-twerkathon is every bit as awful as they say. Worse, once (or twice) you've had a look it can never be unseen; I feel very cross, highly embarrassed and I genuinely fear it will be seared on our collective retinas forever.
Thank the Lord the late Queen never lived to witness it. Actually hang on – can someone check in on Paddington Bear? It's the textbook definition of a marmalade dropper. No much-loved institution should have to watch another much-loved institution brought to its knees by the sight of a heavily pregnant Duchess manqué slut-dropping for the camera.
Don't get me wrong, the fact she managed to get up again is a marvel. And Harry's there in the video too, but as per, he's just the spare. Gallumphing about like a manchild has pretty much become his USP in recent years, so no surprises there. But Meghan? Really?
Cast your minds back and you may recall the ridiculous, huffy lengths the pair went to in order to keep the details of their son Archie's birth secret back in 2019. When we were finally informed she was in labour, it was a fib – Meghan had already given birth and was already home with her son. Weird doesn't begin to describe it.
Fast forward six years and now they've released a throwback film of Lilibet's imminent arrival as Meghan tries to bring on the birth by dancing in the delivery room to Starrkeisha's viral anthem The Baby Momma Dance – with a camera set up specially to record it.
The vibe is clearly meant to be hilarious and kooky – but, and I mean this literally, you had to be there. Very funny and sweet when among friends, godparents and what family they haven't managed to alienate.
But the rest of us? We have no business seeing that; being made privy to that. It's too personal; when Meghan moves, we can see the outline of the monitor strapped to her belly. No. Just no.
Hey, here's a thought; should I upload the film of me, a 42-weeks-pregnant barrage balloon, so desperate to induce labour that I bullied my appalled husband into sex – with a beef Madras as a reward for afters? Oh wait – I didn't record it. Because my life isn't one endless search for social media content.
Many couples record a lot of things (no sniggering at the back) for posterity. Fair dos. But given how punctiliously these two – oh alright then, Meghan – curates their social media posts, it's hard to believe they just randomly released it for a good old giggle.
The terrible suspicion occurs that they always intended it to go online – and nobody had the opportunity (aka the nerve) to advise them that it would be a grave misstep. Not least because it's wildly off-message for Meghan's wholesome ' trad wife ' brand that has seen her collecting honey and fussing over table arrangements.
Yes, they have stepped back from their roles as working royals. But boy are they keen to cling onto their titles – and with that comes a responsibility to (at the very least) not cavort about incongruously like a couple of demented kids' entertainers signally failing to read the room – which is furnished with hospital equipment.
Pleas for privacy will echo empty now this excruciating little gem has been viewed, scraped by AI (horrid verb, reminiscent of something parturition-related too icky ever to share) and transformed into countless memes. And that makes me sad. As well as cross.
Why? Why oh why did they release it? It's not as if they aren't media savvy; Meghan just dropped (as they say) an arty black and white picture that featured her daughter but artfully kept her face concealed. Yet, somehow it's fine to broadcast a moment so intimate it makes our toes curl with discomfiture?
Here's the thing; our senior royals know well there's a deal of difference between letting daylight in on magic – and exposing yourself to laughter and derision. There are good reasons why It's a Royal Knockout was never recommissioned. But here we have the Duchess of Sussex as she (now and then) likes to be known, making something deeply private into something uncomfortably public.
Maybe it's just proof – if indeed proof were needed – that the UK and the US are two countries divided not just by a common language but by wildly different sensibilities. The thing about dignity is that it's very difficult to define. But you sure as heck recognise its absence.
Whatever she claims in retrospect, Meghan was welcomed into 'The Firm'. She was a breath of fresh air and Harry's grandmother, the late Queen warmed to her (no small feat as she famously preferred horses to people) and pointedly seated the wide-eyed American beside her on grand occasions.
What would she have made of this little film? In truth, I think she would have had the wisdom to see it for exactly what it is; like everything else she posts, it is essentially all part of Meghan's career showreel.
On the soundtrack, Starrkeisha sings that Baby Mama is 'Tryna make some money buy some Huggies [nappies] from the store'. Granted Meghan may live in Montecito rather than dirt poor Oklahoma but the principle still stands.
She is surely auditioning for some new role. I can think of no other explanation for her bizarre decision to blow the gaff on herself and remind us why there's no way back to the House of Windsor. And more saliently that she wasn't such a good fit to begin with.