Richard Hogan: Don't let schadenfreude make you forget there are real people affected

Irish Examiner

4 days ago

FERRIS Bueller's Day Off is one of my favourite movies.
I think we all know the story: A teenage boy takes a day off school and has a great adventure. It's nearly 40 years old.
But, even in 1986, long before technology stole our privacy, Ferris was filmed on the jumbotron screen catching a baseball at a game while mitching off from school.
Little did we know that all these years later that pesky jumbotron would be wreaking such havoc in people's lives.
The recent scandal of the tech CEO (Andy Byron) filmed with his arms around the HR chief (Kristin Cabot) of his company on the jumbotron at a Coldplay concert has sparked some interesting public discourse.
Of course, the impact of an alleged affair on all of the people caught up in its dark orbit has been lost in the media frenzy. In all the chaos and jokes about this incident, there are innocent spouses and children.
Think of the embarrassment and discomfort of the children as they hear about their father or mother's behaviour. They have had to consume a shock viral image of their parent wrapped in the arms of a co-worker.
No child should have to see that, and especially not without warning or preparation.
I'm sure those children have also had to listen to the injured parent's hurt and then try to make sense of all of that pain. That massively impacts on the mind of a child.
I cannot imagine the utter confusion of the children since that image went viral.
When children are brought in to adult situations, it can erode their sense of fidelity and goodness.
In my experience, working clinically with the fallout of affairs, children often come to believe everyone will let them down, and they start to distrust people.
It is very difficult to witness the damage that adult behaviour has on children.
But to have it so globally exposed, to have the world commenting on your parent and making jokes about their alleged infidelity, that is something different altogether.
The impact of affairs on the people hurt by them has always been a silent issue. We love the juicy gossip of the affair, the voyeuristic thrill of watching people making a mess of their life. But we're less interested in the damage done to people.
And it does damage. I have worked with so many people who have come to my clinic to try to get some understanding of why this happened in their relationship.
I'm often sitting with the injured party as they experience an existential crisis. Did their partner ever love them? Was any of their life together real?
They struggle with concepts of trust, and they grapple with being able to believe their partner again after being let down so gravely. They also question their own sexual identity.
They want to know what led their partner to this act.
Depending on how long the affair has been going on, it can be one of the most psychologically disturbing events a couple can experience.
It rocks the very foundation of the relationship, and is the reason why most couples break up.
But people love to laugh at the lives of others. The German's call it 'schadenfreude' — the delight in another's misfortune. It's one of those dark impulses in the human species.
There was definitely a sense of glee on this occasion, because it involved a wealthy businessman publicly filmed with a woman who was not his wife.
But there was very little thought for the other partners in this story. People were so absorbed in the ridiculousness of the two people trying to hide their transgression — by covering their face or ducking down — that they never stopped to think about the wife or partner at home.
There are real people in a story like this, enduring real hurt and pain. Usually, that pain is experienced in private, with the support of family and friends. But not in this case.
And that's another thing this event has brought in to focus: Questions about privacy. Andy Byron's wife has opted to remove all of her presence on social media, such has been the impact on her life.
Andy himself has resigned as CEO of his successful start-up, Astronomer. The fate of Kristin Cabot has yet to be revealed. But she is currently on leave.
A moment at a concert has caused devastation for all involved and has also dragged the issue of privacy in to public discourse. We're in the digital age, where our activity is constantly monitored and recorded.
Should Mr Byron and the person he was embracing have been broadcast all over the world?
Do we have the right to go to a concert and remain anonymous?
I know what a lot of people will think: 'Well, if you are not up to anything untoward, you have nothing to worry about'. But the right to privacy is an important right and one we should not give away easily.
All of our data is being mined at all times and monetised for advertising online.
We have less privacy today than at any other time in our history. Our every move is recorded by some device.
I don't know about you, but I think there is something incredibly uncomfortable about this entire story.
Of course, the moment on camera, and the hurt that has caused, is part of the discomfort, but also how easily someone's life can be devastated because their privacy was taken from them.