DeSantis is throwing an immigration fit. Make his special session extra special.
COLUMNS
If state legislators must be in Tallahassee this week for a special session called by the governor, I've got some suggestions on how to make their time worthwhile.
For starters, they did the right thing by ignoring the wishes of Gov. Ron DeSantis, who has been desperately trying to invent a role for himself in the 'mass deportation' plans of Donald Trump.
Despite immigration being a federal issue, DeSantis is flailing around making like he's in charge. And he wants state lawmakers to play along.
He wants the power to suspend local officials who don't participate and support the federal deportation crackdowns. He wants to reclassify the unlawful entry into this country as a state crime.
And he wants to require people wiring money to other countries to first show identification that shows their immigration status.
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Lawmakers in his own party have called his efforts premature, and want him to wait for the regularly scheduled session in March. They plan to use the week coming up with proposed legislation of their own.
That's a pleasant way of saying, 'Back off, junior.'
I'd like to see the Florida Legislature using this time to pass some meaningful legislation now that we've entered the period of mass deportations. Something can certainly be done now that ICE agents are raiding workplaces and hauling away construction workers, farmhands, line cooks, landscapers, home health-care aids and others.
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Here are some bills I propose for this special session:
***
Name: The Field Hand Freedom Act of 2025
Purpose: This statewide plan teaches documented Florida citizens the proper way to pick peppers, harvest cane and bring in crops before they rot in the field.
'Patriot pickers' get free bus transportation to and from the fields and a five-minute water break every four hours, whether they need it or not.
Participants sign waivers that absolve the landowner of any culpability in the event the workers throw out their backs, experience a sun-related injury or mental distress.
***
Name:The Maid In Florida Initiative
Purpose: To teach Floridians basic housekeeping skills while making them available for an emergency deployment to tourist hotels facing a critical labor shortage.
Documented Florida citizens participating in the program receive a weeklong course in hotel hospitality. They learn to clean toilets, strip and make up beds, and clean up mysterious stains on the carpet.
These patriotic Floridians are then surged, as needed, by the governor as part of his Clean Sweep Reaction Force to address deportation-created shortages in the labor force of the state's critical hospitality sector.
After training, these poop troops are awarded the prestigious MAGA Maid designation, which allows them to be honored with other Florida heroes during a very special Hannity.
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***
Name: The Clean Plate Fund
Purpose: To provide dishwashing services from documented Floridians to restaurants strapped for employees after so many of their former workers vanished due to renewed deportation efforts.
Restaurants experiencing dishwasher shortages can apply for money from the fund to send out documented Floridians to wash dishes for the restaurant. Also, diners can get 20 percent rebates on their dinners if they go into the restaurant kitchen after their meals and wash their own dishes.
Caution: Restaurants should not expect these replacement workers to work as hard as the ones you lost. A good rule of thumb ratio is three U.S. citizen dishwashers for every one Haitian and/or Guatemalan you lost.
***
Name: Let's Get to Work on Grandma's Bed Pan Initiative
Purpose: Floridians can celebrate the mass deportation of undocumented workers around us by taking over the care of their bedridden old relatives.
Do you know how to change the sheets on a bed with the person still lying in it? You'll learn in this exciting new program run by the state.
***
Name: The 'Mow Your Own Lawn' Sales-Tax Holiday
Purpose: This is similar to the sales-tax holiday the state has in August for back-to-school items.
The 'Mow Your Own Lawn' sales-tax holiday will help defray the costs for all the lawn mowers, edge trimmers, leaf blowers and other yard maintenance equipment you'll need to buy now that your longtime gardener has been sent away and legal ones are stretched too thin.
Floridians will finally get to experience the joys of a 12-month growing season and its demands for pruning, trimming and mowing.
***
Name: The 'One Nail at a Time' Act
Purpose: Have you ever thought what would it be like to remodel your own bathroom or kitchen, fix your own roof leak, or even build a new house from scratch?
Well, you can think of it now. With construction trade workers decimated by the mass deportations, you can now experience the joys of homebuilding yourself.
And to make it more enjoyable, the state of Florida will suspend all inspections and code compliance on your creations.
That's not a wall collapse, that's the sound of freedom.
Frank Cerabino is a news columnist with The Palm Beach Post, which is part of the USA Today Network.
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