You don't need to accomplish things to matter

Fast Company

a day ago

Not long ago, a client of mine—let's call her Maya—shared something that struck me.
'I had a rare Sunday with nothing urgent on my plate. My kids were with their grandparents. My inbox was quiet. I could have done anything. Instead of feeling relaxed, I panicked. I literally didn't know what to do with myself.'
She laughed softly but tears were in her eyes. 'I realized . . . I don't know how to exist without a task list. If I'm not accomplishing something, I feel like I don't matter.'
Maya isn't alone. In my coaching work, I've heard this story many times— women who have full, meaningful lives yet feel they're only as good as what they checked off today.
In a culture that rewards output and treats busyness like a badge of honor, it's easy to confuse productivity with worth. But what happens when you slow down —or are forced to? Who are you without the to-do list, the perfect calendar, and the high performance?
This article invites you to pause and honestly examine where your worth may be tied to how much you get done. It's about recognizing patterns that keep you in constant motion—and beginning to loosen their grip so your value is rooted in something more lasting.
Warning signs you might be outsourcing your self-worth to productivity
You don't have to be burned out or in crisis to be stuck in this trap. Often, it's invisible—especially when things seem to be going well.
Here are some subtle signs:
You feel anxious or restless when you're not actively 'getting something done.'
You judge your day's success by accomplishments, not feelings.
You feel guilty or uncomfortable during downtime.
You struggle to enjoy activities unless they're 'productive' (reading must educate, exercise must burn calories).
You only feel good about yourself when exceeding expectations—at work or home.
Another client, Elena—a physician and mom of three—said, 'I know rationally that I'm a good mom and doctor. But the only time I feel that way is when I'm accomplishing something measurable—publishing, presenting, finishing charts. Otherwise, I feel like I'm failing.'
Elena wasn't asking to do less. She wanted to feel enough even when she wasn't at full throttle.
That distinction matters. Reclaiming your self-worth doesn't mean abandoning ambition. It means building a foundation where your identity isn't tied to output highs and lows.
Why this runs so deep
Tying worth to productivity isn't a personal flaw—it's shaped by powerful cultural forces. We live in a society that prizes output, where worth is measured by results, not relationships or inner experience. Women are socialized to be competent, accommodating, and endlessly available—to anticipate needs, keep things running, and never drop the ball.
Add motherhood, with its endless work and little feedback, and it's easy to internalize that your value depends on how much you handle without breaking.
The pandemic intensified this. With work, school, and home merging, many working moms became the nerve center—managing logistics, meals, meetings, and everyone's emotions. The doing never stopped. And when people praised our resilience and ability to 'keep it together,' we absorbed the message that being useful was what made us worthy.
The costs of outsourcing your worth
This isn't sustainable. Even if it works temporarily, it erodes well-being. Your sense of self rises and falls with accomplishment. Burnout looms as rest feels like failure. Disconnection creeps in—you struggle to be present with loved ones unless everything is tied up.
When things go off script, disappointment turns to shame, as if falling short means you're fundamentally flawed.
Most damagingly, this mindset convinces you rest, joy, and self-compassion are rewards to be earned, not essential parts of being human. When worth is always up for reevaluation, peace remains out of reach.
What reclaiming your worth looks like
This work is slow and layered—not a quick fix or a slogan. It's a recalibration of how you relate to yourself.
Start here:
1. Notice the Narratives
Pay attention to thoughts that arise when you're not productive: ' I should be doing more,' ' I'm falling behind,' ' I don't deserve to rest yet. ' Notice whose voice this echoes—a parent, boss, or cultural script? Naming these is the first step to disarming them.
2. Redefine Success
Create space for a fuller definition of success: being present for bedtime without planning tomorrow, holding a boundary at work, or letting something be 'good enough.' Reflect daily: What felt aligned? When did I feel like myself? Where did I honor my values?
3. Practice Being, Not Just Doing
Choose small moments to simply be: sit with coffee without scrolling, walk without exercising, and rest without 'earning' it. Your nervous system may resist at first—that's normal. Over time, you'll build capacity to sit with yourself without judgment.
4. Anchor to Identity, Not Output Ask: Who am I when I'm not performing or producing? This can feel scary but also freeing. You are more than a multitasking manager—you are a person with humor, intuition, creativity, and resilience. Begin rooting your worth in being human, not heroic.
One client, a lawyer and mom of two, shared: 'I still work hard, but now I can pause during the day to breathe. I let dishes wait without calling myself lazy. And strangely, I feel more powerful—not less—because my worth isn't riding on every task.'
Being enough
High-achieving moms are admired for how much they handle—but that admiration can come at a cost. Beneath competence and reliability often lies a quiet desire: to feel whole even when nothing is getting done.
You don't need to give up your drive or goals. But you deserve a life where worth isn't constantly measured: a life where rest is allowed, not earned; where joy has space without justification; where being enough isn't something you prove—it's something you simply trust.