Farage's press conference tour is the ideal way to indulging his narcissism

The Guardian

a day ago

If it's Tuesday, it must be … checks notes … London. We've reached the point where Nigel Farage has taken to arranging press conferences for himself in various locations around the country on an almost daily basis. On Monday he was in Port Talbot telling the Welsh to get back down the mines, today he was in Westminster to reveal the identity of Reform's new party chair after Zia Yusuf's abrupt resignation last week. Who knows where he will be tomorrow?
The press conference is Nige's happy place. The ideal way to indulge his narcissism. A room full of people all there to listen to him. And him alone. Others are only admitted into his world on sufferance. They must know their place in life. That they owe their chance of glory only as a satellite of his own ego. He only knows he's truly alive if there are cameras there to record his existence. To get to sleep at night, he watches his greatest hits on TikTok, all the while murmuring to himself, 'You're the best, Nige. You're the best.'
Moments before Nige made his appearance, the supporting cast took their seats. First Richard Tice. The loyal Dicky who has made being a bridesmaid to Nigel his life's work. Every humiliation heaped upon him – sudden demotion to deputy leader – accepted with a permatanned grin. Not even a hint of annoyance. Ask not what Nige can do for you. Ask what you can do for Nige.
Then Sarah Pochin. Reform's very own Nurse Ratched. Never knowingly caught with a smile. She had transgressed by suggesting a burqa ban at last week's PMQs. Her punishment was to be a sharp put-down from Nige himself. Reform had had some defections from the Tories, he would say. And all of them had been failures. Time for Nurse Ratched to perform electric shock therapy on himself.
Lee Anderson just looked fed-up and bored. Another Nige presser for which he was obliged to be part of the furniture. James McMurdock was just bewildered. Out of his depth. As usual. Hard to believe, but this hapless quartet are likely to have key cabinet posts if Reform wins the next election. Dicky as chancellor? 30p Lee as foreign secretary? Prepare to leave the country.
Last in were Yusuf and David Bull. Dave is the only man to have spent longer on the sunbed than Dicky. Perhaps they have a timeshare. He is also the next Reform party chair.
Dave likes to think he is the great communicator: a TV presenter of note. The reality is much sadder than that. Having peaked as a presenter of Most Haunted, his career has steadily faded into obscurity. Last seen – allegedly – he was presenting his own show on TalkTV to an audience measured in single figures. But Dave's biggest asset is his loyalty. His head is so far up Nige's bum that it occasionally peeks out of his mouth. He will never say a word that hasn't been pre-authorised. He knows his place.
Lights, cameras, actions. Nige appeared centre stage, basking in the attention. Cracking jokes. Laughing along with himself. The ship had been righted and he was still very much the captain. Principally, he was keen to establish the official version of events. What followed was pure passive-aggression. Lighthearted barbs intended to humiliate.
The reality was that Zia had dared to consider himself Nige's equal. Had been the one tasked with professionalising the party. Had got sick and tired of the constant racism from members of his own party. Including from Nurse Ratched. Had been ground down and decided he had better things to do with his life than to feed Farage's solipsism. But this was no time for reality. So we got the Waltons treatment. Pure saccharine. It had all been a misunderstanding. Just one of those things, Zia had got a bit emotional. No big deal. Reform was one big happy family.
To prove the point, Zia was dragged on stage. Exhibit A. To officially recant and swear his undying allegiance to Nige, the One True God. He had made the biggest mistake of his life, he said. Sad face. He didn't know what had come over him.
Zia would never question Nige again. He would devote the rest of his life to reading the collected sayings of Nigel and to doing good works. All he could do was say sorry for the trouble he had caused. He looked forward to much more racist abuse. His new work would be the greatest challenge anyone had known since the second world war.
Up bounced Diddy Dave to announce himself to the world again. He had been lying around in the store cupboard waiting to be of use to Nige again and when the summons had come he had answered the call. Thrilled to be a relevant irrelevance again. The rest of his speech was an outpouring of inconsequentiality. No one does inconsequentiality better. He is a man of no importance.
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Back to Nige, ready and waiting to take questions from all comers. He is the only party leader to actively invite scrutiny. Primarily because he doesn't really give a shit. He is on a roll. The polls are going his way and it's not inconceivable Reform could win the next election. What he would do if he became prime minister is another matter. Panic probably.
His method for dealing with his party is to treat them all as children. Listen to him speak and you'd imagine he was a bleeding-heart liberal. Certainly compared to his MPs. Take the death penalty. Personally he wasn't in favour – too many miscarriages of justice – but he wasn't going to stop his kids from having their say. If they wanted to kill innocent people, then who was he to disagree? Same with the racists in his party. He didn't have a problem with immigrants, but if some of his MPs wanted to drown them, then he could go along with that.
Nige was rather more hazy on anything that resembled policy. He couldn't explain how he was going to reopen the mines and the steel furnaces. He couldn't say how he was going to deport 1.2 million immigrants and separate 200,000 children from their parents.
But these were unimportant details. Reform isn't a party of action. It's a party of grievance. A vibes party for those who think the country is screwed. And for Nige, the vibes are looking good. Dicky rose to his feet to applaud. Zia did likewise. He's learning fast.