Why Did My Friend Keep Poking Her Husband When I Spoke at Dinner?

New York Times

07-05-2025

Some friends of ours get together monthly for dinner parties. We take turns hosting, and we've been doing this for years. During the last dinner, at our home, I saw a friend poke her husband with her elbow while I was speaking. I didn't think anything of it — until I saw her do it two more times when I was talking that night. I became self-conscious and quieter for the rest of the evening. I've been depressed lately about my husband's declining health, so I may have been talking too much. But no one said anything to me about it. Then, at the end of the evening, this same woman was unusually solicitous when we hugged goodbye. Any advice on how — or whether — I should address this? I would have hoped one of my friends would tell me if I'd been inappropriate.
FRIEND
I can certainly identify with your self-consciousness about a woman jabbing her husband every time you opened your mouth! The maddening thing about other people, though, is that we rarely know what's going on inside their heads. She may have thought you were talking too much. Or she may have been signaling her agreement (or total disagreement) with whatever it was you were saying.
But I suspect that her pokes and warm hug may be hitting you harder than usual because of the sadness you feel about your husband and the way your life may be changing. I doubt these factors would make you suddenly oblivious to social cues, as you fear: Your letter suggests a great deal of emotional intelligence. And while it's nice to fantasize about not caring what other people think of us, the fact is that practically all of us do.