No, chivalry isn't dead. But its survival depends on you.
Leading off my series on how society can support young men by discussing gentlemanly etiquette is certain to surprise some of you, as it may not seem very important. But please hear me out.
Sir Walter Raleigh (1552–1618) was an English adventurer, writer, poet and courtier during the reign of Queen Elizabeth I. He was a key player in England's early exploration and colonization efforts in the New World. Despite his great achievements, he is mostly remembered for a legendary act of gallantry ― a story that is more legend than history. The story goes that one day, Raleigh and Queen Elizabeth were walking when they encountered a puddle blocking the queen's path. Raleigh removed his cloak and laid it across the puddle, so the queen could walk over it without dirtying her shoes.
Today, over four hundred years later, the concept of gentlemanly etiquette might seem outdated. Even though we live in a time where traditional gender roles are being reevaluated, practicing gentlemanly etiquette is not just about being polite; it can be a foundation for many other successes.
Holding the door open, looking another in the eyes and offering a firm handshake, or giving up a seat on a crowded bus are small gestures that powerfully exemplify the adage that actions speak louder than words. They are not outdated niceties; they are timeless acts that unapologetically tell us that a real man lives by the decrees of courtesy, civility and respect.
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Moreover, practicing gentlemanly behavior builds a young man's confidence and self-discipline. Etiquette requires awareness of others and control over one's impulses ― qualities that are essential for personal and professional success. For instance, mastering the art of a thoughtful conversation, where one listens attentively and responds meaningfully, can set a young man apart in job interviews, business meetings, and social gatherings.
Some might argue that gentlemanly etiquette is a trivial and insincere performance. This misses the point. True gentlemanly behavior is not about dominance or adhering to rigid gender norms; it is about embodying timeless values like humility and thoughtfulness. For example, pulling out a chair for someone is not about asserting superiority ― it is about creating a moment of thoughtfulness in an otherwise 'it's all about me' world.
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And gentlemanly etiquette is not just about how one treats others ― it is also about how one treats oneself. A gentleman pays attention to his grooming, dresses appropriately for the occasion and carries himself with dignity ― not out of vanity but out of self-respect. These practices reflect a commitment to presenting the best version of oneself to the world.
Of all gentlemanly virtues, if we had to choose only one, the choice would be easy ― respect. If one respects others, then everything else should fall into place. The opposite of respect is not disrespect. It is apathy, which is antithetical to the gentleman; rather, he is a caring defender and champion for fairness and equality.
As we delve into the challenges facing young men in upcoming columns, it is essential to do so with lenses that honor and include all people, avoiding perspectives that marginalize those who are different from oneself. Gentlemanly etiquette is not about antiquated chauvinism. It is about, dare I say, modern-day chivalry.
If young men embrace these virtues, they won't just be following past tradition; they will be shaping their future. Gentlemanly etiquette isn't about nostalgia; it's about character, confidence and the quiet strength of integrity. Raleigh's cloak may be long gone, but the spirit of his gesture remains. In a world that often rewards volume over virtue, the true mark of a man is not in how loudly he demands respect, but in how effortlessly he gives it.
After 38 years in Los Angeles, K. John Lee recently boomeranged back to his Oklahoma roots. He is a financier, real estate investor, former high school teacher and a father of two young men. This column is part of a series he calls "Young Men Adrift."
This article originally appeared on Oklahoman: Chivalry isn't dead. Here's why I still believe in it | Opinion
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