I came out to my dad – he handed me a letter
He hoped I was not being gay to get friends (Picture: Henry Blest)
When I came out of the closet at 17, my dad gave me a letter and a book on AIDS.
I do not remember the letter's entire contents, but I know he leaned into cliche, asking: 'Is this a phase?'
More entertainingly, he commented: 'I hope you are not doing this to be like Grayson Perry.'
In fairness, I was, and still am obsessed with Grayson Perry – but he is in fact a heterosexual transvestite, so my father had missed the point.
He also wrote that he hoped I was not being gay to get friends. Oh, the irony.
I had already internalised the concept that being gay was the worst possible thing that could ever happen to you. In the mid-2000s, the word 'gay' was consistently used as a negative term by my peers.
I became convinced I was becoming gay because I was constantly being told I was.
The ages of 13 through to 16 were hell (Picture: Henry Blest)
My best friend at the time told me her father declared at a dinner party that I was gay.
Join Metro's LGBTQ+ community on WhatsApp
With thousands of members from all over the world, our vibrant LGBTQ+ WhatsApp channel is a hub for all the latest news and important issues that face the LGBTQ+ community.
Simply click on this link, select 'Join Chat' and you're in! Don't forget to turn on notifications!
For the next six years, another primary school friend messaged me yearly with: 'My parents say you are gay, are you gay yet?' (It is still perplexing to me that 50-year-old men and women would comment on a child's sexuality).
The ages of 13 through to 16 were hell. I became introverted, odd and angry. I destroyed several family photos where I perceived myself being depicted as camp as they triggered self-hatred.
Whenever I felt attracted to the same sex, I tried to obliterate my true self and to convince myself I was heterosexual, writing lines in my head: 'I AM NOT GAY'.
This was probably the most mature decision of my life (Picture: Henry Blest)
None of this was helped by the fact my father had made derogatory comments about gay people while I was still a sleeper agent.
'The mess they make in hotel rooms…' he noted during a casual car conversation, apparently describing gay men. Or on the topic of gay adoption: 'Oh, they are not going to do that, are they?'
So my dad's letter, only half-legible through his muddled handwriting, sat very badly with me, and I made the decision to immediately dispose of it.
This was probably the most mature decision of my life.
This act of brushing off the initial ignorance from my dad is the same advice I now give to any LGBTQIA+ individuals who ask me about coming out to their parents today.
I do not believe people should be forced to persist with a relationship with their parents if the healthiest thing is to walk away. (Picture: Henry Blest)
'Their first reaction is not their only one,' I'll say. 'You have spent years processing this and they have just found out, although you do not deserve to take the brunt of the prejudices they have assimilated throughout their lives.'
To be clear, I do not believe people should be forced to persist with a relationship with their parents if the healthiest thing is to walk away.
In my circumstance, however, the 'gay thing' aside, my father has been hugely supportive of me in many ways, hence this was a relationship I did not want to lose.
Personally, I am glad I did not take his initial response at face value. He was sheepish, and I was clueless.
After the letter came the book on AIDS – And The Band Played On by American journalist Randy Shilts – and Dad trying to ask me exactly 'what' I was attracted to. My skin still crawls.
When Dad gave me And the Band Played On, it was his way of trying to inform and protect me (Picture: Henry Blest)
Fine out more about Polari Labs
Visit the Polari Labs website here.
He's 70 now, but my dad was 30 when the AIDS epidemic started. He saw the fear generated by public service announcements and the hostility that pushed back LGBTQIA+ rights.
He'd also had a lens into the gay community while at boarding school, where he witnessed horrific homophobic abuse.
When Dad gave me And the Band Played On, I hope it was his way of trying to inform and protect me.
The book did actually set me on the path to become a virologist and militant homosexual.
Together with my exceptional cofounder Anna Vybornova we have started the world's only anal sex lab, Polari Labs. We study the mechanics of anal sex specifically focusing on how to make the preparation safer and sex pain free.
Our first invention, A-BALL, is the alternative to anal douching that makes anal preparation effortless. The product hits the market in 2026 but early subscriptions are also available.
He is still uncertain about my vow to not stop talking about anal douching (Picture: Henry Blest)
A-BALL
Preparing for anal sex can be a hassle. Most people use a method called anal douching that can take up to half an hour, requiring awkward bathroom logistics and causing stress around intimacy. Our first invention, the A-Ball, is a tiny, disintegrating insert that forms a gentle internal barrier and in just 30 seconds you are ready for action.
Neither of us had any clue of it then, but my father giving me that book was the first step in inspiring my queer activism and entrepreneurship.
Shortly after a couple of years, he got over the initial shock of siring a homosexual, we found common ground.
We went on holiday to Turkey recently and he ended up engrossed in my beachside read, Gay Man Talking by Daniel Harding. In it, the author shares his experience with his mother expressing concern about AIDS when he told her he was gay.
As we spoke about it, I realised he was proud he is of me and what I do and we continue to swap books.
Although I will add he is still uncertain about my vow to not stop talking about anal douching.
Last December, he exclaimed while slamming his fists into the table: 'No more f***ing anal sex chat, I have had enough of f***ing anal sex, it's f***ing Christmas!'
Fair enough.
Do you have a story you'd like to share? Get in touch by emailing James.Besanvalle@metro.co.uk.
Share your views in the comments below.
Arrow MORE: I warned my sister of my premonition – then she was killed
Arrow MORE: I blamed myself even after he sent me to A&E 11 times in 5 months
Arrow MORE: A stranger's question to my 7-year-old left me furious
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Metro
17 hours ago
- Metro
I came out to my dad – he handed me a letter
He hoped I was not being gay to get friends (Picture: Henry Blest) When I came out of the closet at 17, my dad gave me a letter and a book on AIDS. I do not remember the letter's entire contents, but I know he leaned into cliche, asking: 'Is this a phase?' More entertainingly, he commented: 'I hope you are not doing this to be like Grayson Perry.' In fairness, I was, and still am obsessed with Grayson Perry – but he is in fact a heterosexual transvestite, so my father had missed the point. He also wrote that he hoped I was not being gay to get friends. Oh, the irony. I had already internalised the concept that being gay was the worst possible thing that could ever happen to you. In the mid-2000s, the word 'gay' was consistently used as a negative term by my peers. I became convinced I was becoming gay because I was constantly being told I was. The ages of 13 through to 16 were hell (Picture: Henry Blest) My best friend at the time told me her father declared at a dinner party that I was gay. Join Metro's LGBTQ+ community on WhatsApp With thousands of members from all over the world, our vibrant LGBTQ+ WhatsApp channel is a hub for all the latest news and important issues that face the LGBTQ+ community. Simply click on this link, select 'Join Chat' and you're in! Don't forget to turn on notifications! For the next six years, another primary school friend messaged me yearly with: 'My parents say you are gay, are you gay yet?' (It is still perplexing to me that 50-year-old men and women would comment on a child's sexuality). The ages of 13 through to 16 were hell. I became introverted, odd and angry. I destroyed several family photos where I perceived myself being depicted as camp as they triggered self-hatred. Whenever I felt attracted to the same sex, I tried to obliterate my true self and to convince myself I was heterosexual, writing lines in my head: 'I AM NOT GAY'. This was probably the most mature decision of my life (Picture: Henry Blest) None of this was helped by the fact my father had made derogatory comments about gay people while I was still a sleeper agent. 'The mess they make in hotel rooms…' he noted during a casual car conversation, apparently describing gay men. Or on the topic of gay adoption: 'Oh, they are not going to do that, are they?' So my dad's letter, only half-legible through his muddled handwriting, sat very badly with me, and I made the decision to immediately dispose of it. This was probably the most mature decision of my life. This act of brushing off the initial ignorance from my dad is the same advice I now give to any LGBTQIA+ individuals who ask me about coming out to their parents today. I do not believe people should be forced to persist with a relationship with their parents if the healthiest thing is to walk away. (Picture: Henry Blest) 'Their first reaction is not their only one,' I'll say. 'You have spent years processing this and they have just found out, although you do not deserve to take the brunt of the prejudices they have assimilated throughout their lives.' To be clear, I do not believe people should be forced to persist with a relationship with their parents if the healthiest thing is to walk away. In my circumstance, however, the 'gay thing' aside, my father has been hugely supportive of me in many ways, hence this was a relationship I did not want to lose. Personally, I am glad I did not take his initial response at face value. He was sheepish, and I was clueless. After the letter came the book on AIDS – And The Band Played On by American journalist Randy Shilts – and Dad trying to ask me exactly 'what' I was attracted to. My skin still crawls. When Dad gave me And the Band Played On, it was his way of trying to inform and protect me (Picture: Henry Blest) Fine out more about Polari Labs Visit the Polari Labs website here. He's 70 now, but my dad was 30 when the AIDS epidemic started. He saw the fear generated by public service announcements and the hostility that pushed back LGBTQIA+ rights. He'd also had a lens into the gay community while at boarding school, where he witnessed horrific homophobic abuse. When Dad gave me And the Band Played On, I hope it was his way of trying to inform and protect me. The book did actually set me on the path to become a virologist and militant homosexual. Together with my exceptional cofounder Anna Vybornova we have started the world's only anal sex lab, Polari Labs. We study the mechanics of anal sex specifically focusing on how to make the preparation safer and sex pain free. Our first invention, A-BALL, is the alternative to anal douching that makes anal preparation effortless. The product hits the market in 2026 but early subscriptions are also available. He is still uncertain about my vow to not stop talking about anal douching (Picture: Henry Blest) A-BALL Preparing for anal sex can be a hassle. Most people use a method called anal douching that can take up to half an hour, requiring awkward bathroom logistics and causing stress around intimacy. Our first invention, the A-Ball, is a tiny, disintegrating insert that forms a gentle internal barrier and in just 30 seconds you are ready for action. Neither of us had any clue of it then, but my father giving me that book was the first step in inspiring my queer activism and entrepreneurship. Shortly after a couple of years, he got over the initial shock of siring a homosexual, we found common ground. We went on holiday to Turkey recently and he ended up engrossed in my beachside read, Gay Man Talking by Daniel Harding. In it, the author shares his experience with his mother expressing concern about AIDS when he told her he was gay. As we spoke about it, I realised he was proud he is of me and what I do and we continue to swap books. Although I will add he is still uncertain about my vow to not stop talking about anal douching. Last December, he exclaimed while slamming his fists into the table: 'No more f***ing anal sex chat, I have had enough of f***ing anal sex, it's f***ing Christmas!' Fair enough. Do you have a story you'd like to share? Get in touch by emailing Share your views in the comments below. Arrow MORE: I warned my sister of my premonition – then she was killed Arrow MORE: I blamed myself even after he sent me to A&E 11 times in 5 months Arrow MORE: A stranger's question to my 7-year-old left me furious
Metro
18 hours ago
- Metro
Stop saying 'hope you're well' in emails — here's what to say instead
'Hi there, I hope this finds you well.' Don't panic, you haven't clicked on a work email by mistake. It's a line we see day-in and day-out as we tap away on keyboards in a stuffy office. But if it's a line you use and abuse, you need to get more inventive, because workplace experts are calling time on the adage. 'It's tired, overused and starts to feel like you haven't thought it though,' workplace management expert Nancy Roberts tells Metro. 'It doesn't make me want to read the rest of the email.' Apart from it being rather dull, Nancy points out another issue with the phrase. 'It makes an assumption,' she adds. 'It presupposes that people are well because you aren't really asking. 'If they came back and said 'Actually, I've got chronic pain' – you'd be taken aback. Also you're finding someone at work which probably isn't their favourite place to be.' This impersonal language also applies to other generic phrases too, such as 'Happy Monday' or 'Hope the week is off to a good start'. Let's be real, is anyone happy on a Monday? *Struggles to keep eyes open*. But this isn't to say you should just cut to the chase in an email and avoid the niceties altogether, which is a pet peeve for Nancy. 'I don't like it when people are rude, and by that I meant they've said 'Nancy, here's the files – thanks',' she explains. 'It only takes a second to put in something more polite and soft, so I guess I'd rather have someone use a trike phrase than nothing at all… but you can do better than that.' There are a few routes you can go down, but if you're looking for a quick generic phrase that isn't going to annoy your colleagues or acquaintances – try this: 'Hi Rachel, I'm sure you're very busy but I'd love to run something by you.' Nancy says this is a great way to add a bit of a personal touch, even if you don't know the person. 'It acknowledges that you're trespassing on their inbox because we're all very busy, right? And it's safe and shows you're respectful of them and their time,' Nancy says. 'You're implying they're an expert in their field too and that you'd like to learn from them or get advice, which most people will find flattering.' If you're emailing someone new for a job or an opportunity, Nancy suggests trying to stand out with something a bit more personal by researching the company and the person on LinkedIn. 'Maybe you can find a mutual connection or make a comment on the values of the company,' Nancy says. 'It engages them in a discussion and shows you've done your research.' Phrase it like: 'I know you talk a lot about X on your website, I'd love to hear more about how this manifests in the company.' Or: 'I know you're passionate about X, which is also a passion of mine, I'd love to hear more about it.' Nancy advises staying away from personal comments about someone's appearance when trying to connect. Once you've got your recipient hooked with a personal opener, Nancy says the key is not to waffle. More Trending 'Be concise – what do you actually need me to do?' she says. 'Tell me what you want from me and don't over-pad it, which is what can happen when people try to be too polite. 'While that's lovely, I'm busy, so be friendly but to the point.' They'll thank you for it, and you'll save yourself some time. Use Nancy's email openers for a nice easy format to make your message stand out. For people you don't know: 'I saw this article/video and I thought it might be of interest to you' – This requires some quick research on LinkedIn! Shows you have done your research, you aren't just cold calling, and offers them value in the interaction. For people you do know: 'Thanks for all your help with X! I'd really like to get your input into a problem I'm facing as I think you will have a really valuable perspective, and I'd love to see if there's anything I can help you with in return' – The more specific you can be on this, the better. Most people like helping other people, and you're creating reciprocity which is great for influencing others. – The more specific you can be on this, the better. Most people like helping other people, and you're creating reciprocity which is great for influencing others. 'We last met when we were working together on /spoke about X, and I'd love to reconnect and hear how that's been going for you' – This creates a sense of shared success. Works for both: 'I hope you had a great weekend, wasn't the weather amazing? I got out in the garden and did some planting, which is a new hobby for me.' – Sharing something personal creating a more meaningful connection, especially if there is a common interest you share, and potentially opens up a conversation if it's someone you don't know. Do you have a story to share? Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@ MORE: Exact amount you'll need in savings at age 30 to be able to retire revealed MORE: Six UK companies that give dads 52 weeks paid paternity leave MORE: I've applied for 38 jobs and got nowhere – I blame ageism Your free newsletter guide to the best London has on offer, from drinks deals to restaurant reviews.
Daily Record
3 days ago
- Daily Record
Eight dead after hot air balloon catches fire in the sky and plummets to ground
Devastated scenes have unfolded near Praia Grande in Brazil. At least eight people have been killed when a hot air carrying 21 people horrifically caught fire while thousands meters in the sky. The blaze ripped through the balloon before it crashed to the ground in devastating scenes. As the Mirror reports, the disaster unfolded near to Praia Grande, in Brazil, on Saturday morning. Officials in Brazil have confirmed the tragic deaths of eight people. It is understood 13 survived the fireball crash. Harrowing footage has emerged of the moment the blaze tore a huge hole in the balloon before the base carrying passengers crashes to the ground. Join the Daily Record WhatsApp community! Get the latest news sent straight to your messages by joining our WhatsApp community today. You'll receive daily updates on breaking news as well as the top headlines across Scotland. No one will be able to see who is signed up and no one can send messages except the Daily Record team. All you have to do is click here if you're on mobile, select 'Join Community' and you're in! If you're on a desktop, simply scan the QR code above with your phone and click 'Join Community'. We also treat our community members to special offers, promotions, and adverts from us and our partners. If you don't like our community, you can check out any time you like. To leave our community click on the name at the top of your screen and choose 'exit group'. State governor Jorginho Mello on X said: "Preliminary information indicates that there were 22 people on board. So far, we have confirmed eight deaths and two survivors were rescued alive." He later added: "21 people on board - 8 fatalities, 13 survivors. Our teams continue to provide all necessary support to the families and victims. We are still monitoring the situation. "Our teams continue to provide all necessary support to families and victims. We continue to monitor the situation."
