Carolyn Hax: Does leaving his wife mean he's just like his deadbeat dad?

Washington Post18-05-2025

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Feb. 6 and 27, 2011.
Hi, Carolyn: I'm a proud daddy of two little ones who are 5 and 3. My own father abandoned my family when my sister and I were about the same age my kids are now. I barely remember him, but it has taken my mom and sister years of therapy, fights and other drama to get over it.
As everyone in my family now knows, I am separating from my wife and will soon be moving in with the love of my life. In NO WAY does this mean I will not continue to be a full-time father to my children, but my sister doesn't see it that way. The other day, she accused me (in tears) of being our father — of leaving my family to find my own happiness.
This is both inaccurate and unfair, but it has me feeling horrible. How do I clear my conscience and ensure that my sister actually is wrong?
— Va.
Va.: Easy: Don't move in with this 'love of my life.' If your marriage is over, then it's over; I'm not going to jump on the guilt wagon and say you have an ironclad obligation to stay in the home you created.
Love and duty do fuse together in the acts of marriage and childbearing, without question. But the duty is to treat your family's needs as equal to your own, to override self- and family-destructive impulses, to own your mistakes and to regard breaking your vows as the very last resort when all efforts to sustain a healthy marriage have failed.
It is not a duty to feign love where you don't feel any, or stay 'for the kids' when the only model you're providing for marriage is one of unrelenting dysfunction.
That doesn't serve anyone — not your wife, kids or you, though admittedly you're the least of my worries.
When you move in with your new love, however, you're not saying, 'My marriage isn't working and it's best for the kids if we raise them in two households.' What you're saying is, 'The wife was okay, but this woman's better.' Also known as, 'I'm leaving my family to find my own happiness.'
The only difference between you and your father is that, as a veteran of parental abandonment, you get how wrong it is to abandon your kids in the process, and plan to remain involved.
It's a huge, character-fueled distinction, but not an entirely redeeming one.
Let's say your marriage really is broken, for reasons unrelated to your falling for someone else. And let's also say your new love — both the person and the relationship you share — is so healthy that it will actually help you create the kind, stable and loving home you so urgently owe your children.
Both of these conditions would be better served by your putting the brakes on the rush to shack up with Love II.
By concentrating on one major upheaval at a time — and leaving significant time in between for emotions and other dust to settle — your separation will go better; the transition process for your kids will go better; the progress of your new romance will go better.
In the last case: I don't mean a better chance of staying together. I mean a better chance at creating something healthy — which can mean anything from being together for life to dating casually to breaking up.
Rushing into this new love while still living with the old one means you haven't given yourself any chance to determine whether you and she are good together under normal relationship conditions. Plus, it tells your kids that it's okay to chase greener grass.
For the love of your children — literally — please establish separation, home for just you and your kids, custody agreement, divorce, new family equilibrium, warm and civil co-parenting between you and your ex, and personal emotional health — before you go butt-over-handlebars into the next big thing.
Dear Carolyn: I have a young relative who has decided to marry in Sweden because her future husband's family lives in the country and they love it.
At the very least, I am expected to attend. I find this presumptuous. It will cost a great deal of money, and a significant and cherished amount of vacation time, that could be used for my own young family. I suppose I will give in and attend. But I am most resentful.
Can you enlighten future brides on the hardship in such wedding plans?
— Attending but Very Resentful
Attending but Very Resentful: Sure, but only if you enlighten me on how it wouldn't cost the Swedish relatives anything to travel to the States.
Couples with international or even just cross-country ties simply can't get married among family and friends without asking some to travel. In these cases, blaming the couple for your hardship is akin to blaming them for selfishly refusing to find mates from within a two-hour driving radius of your home.
If it costs too much, then don't go — and certainly don't go angry.