Labor And Delivery Nurses Say These Male Behaviors Are How They Know You Should Divorce
Take it from people who see this dynamic every day. While labor and delivery nurses are there in the room helping pregnant people endure the pain of contractions and epidurals, they are also sometimes dealing with bored, judgmental partners.
'A lot of times, you just are making eye contact with the other nurses in the room. Like, 'Can you believe what is happening at this moment?'' said Yancy Guzmán, a North Carolina-based nurse.
'Labor is where partners rise to the occasion or fail miserably,' said North Carolina-based nurse Jen Hamilton. 'I see it all the time where people have so much hope that their person is going to just step up to the plate ... It's just so devastating to watch somebody who you know had these really high expectations and then they weren't met.'
And the nurses interviewed, who have seen hundreds of births, said this unsupportive behavior is exclusive to heterosexual men.
Although they cannot predict whether couples will divorce, several of the nurses said they know when you should divorce, or hope you will. 'I never know the end of people's stories, but I feel like I can make a very educated guess on whether or not their relationship will stand the test of parenthood,' Hamilton said.
Washington-based nurse Alyssa Richard said that during labor, nurses see who men 'authentically are behind whatever facade they may put up in front of people.'
Here are the biggest offenses nurses say they've seen from men while their partner was in labor.
1. They Sleep Through Active Labor.
Richard said men sleeping through their partner's active labor is the most common unsupportive behavior she sees that frustrates her the most.
'If there's an emergency, and if the baby's heart rate drops, tons of nurses will come running in and start doing all kinds of stuff with the mom, and the dad's just over there sleeping, or pulls the blanket over their head so they don't have to be bothered by what's going on — that's my biggest pet peeve, that's crazy,' Richard said.
Hamilton said she recently had a woman who was screaming during labor, and 'this guy is trying to cover his ears to get a better snoozy position. I was so aggravated.'
Richard said that birth partners should only be sleeping when the person who is laboring is sleeping. 'It's such a short chapter in your life ... I don't think it's that big of an inconvenience for you to also be awake with them.'
In some cases, Richard has woken up sleeping men with, 'Hey, time to be up now. We need you [to be] a part of this.'
2. They Complain About Their Discomfort.
While their partner is going through the ordeal of birthing a whole human, some men will make this day about them, nurses said.
Hamilton said that when a man's first instinct is to worry about his own comfort in the room rather than his laboring partner's — with comments like 'How do you work the TV?' or 'I need more pillows' — it raises a red flag for her.
'Just a couple weeks ago, I had a dad make a comment about how this was really inconvenient for him because he had been working all day,' Richard said. 'And I'm just like, 'What the heck?' I can't even imagine saying that to someone, let alone your partner that you're supposed to be having a baby with.'
3. They Play Video Games.
There are some men who prioritize watching a screen over being there for their partner. 'I've seen them with headsets on so they're fully involved in an online game, while there's just like chaos going on around them,' Richard said.
'I've seen a guy go to Best Buy while his wife or girlfriend is in labor and get a 55-inch screen monitor and bring it to the hospital because their gaming system wouldn't hook up to our TVs,' Hamilton said.
Richard said it's fine to play games if your partner is comfortable or resting, but 'when your partner's awake crying ... playing your video games isn't inappropriate.'
4. They Leave When It Matters Most.
'I had a guy one time who had signed up for a timeshare talk, and literally left his wife when she was eight centimeters dilated to go to a timeshare talk and missed the birth of his child,' Hamilton said.
Guzmán recalled a time when a dad never acknowledged the nurses in the room. 'He moved his recliner so that he was facing the TV and never had to look in our direction ... and then he kind of got up abruptly. He's like, 'I've just been stuck in this room this whole day, and I just need to walk outside,'' she said. 'Meanwhile, his partner's in the bed, who literally can't leave the room, who's the one doing all the hard things, and he's turning it into this situation where it's about him.'
5. They Make Inappropriate Comments About Their Partner's Body.
After childbirth, stitches might be needed for vaginal repairs. On more than one occasion, Richard said, she has heard men making 'incredibly inappropriate comments about sewing it up tighter or 'Is it going to look as good as it did before?''
6. They Judge Their Partner's Decisions During Childbirth.
Hamilton said it's unsupportive when men insert their own judgments about the laboring patient's choices with comments such as 'You don't need an epidural' or 'You're being a wimp.'
'I am going to support whatever she wants, but he's making it so much harder for her to get relief,' Hamilton said. 'He's making it so much harder for her to feel at peace in her decision.'
Guzmán said when men make judgments about what their partner should do for pain management, 'I will try to get the dad out of the room by saying, 'Can you go get me some ice water for her or whatever?' And then I do take advantage of that time to say, like, 'What do you want? Why is he speaking for you?''
Hamilton said that sometimes men will override the laboring patient's decisions about who she wants in the room, recalling partners who wanted to bring someone like the mother-in-law into the room. 'That indicates a lack of respect for her boundaries and not protecting that sacred space where she needs to feel the safest,' she said.
How Can You Be A Better Birth Partner?
Fortunately, supportive birth partners outweigh the disengaged and outright hostile birth partners, nurses said. But often, there are also confused, nervous partners who could simply be better with more guidance.
Ideally, Richard said, birth partners should ask their pregnant partner, 'What do you think would be helpful if you were in a lot of pain?' before the day their child is born. Some people might prefer to be touched and held, while others would not, and it's better to talk this out before the high-stakes, stressful situation of labor.
And when it's time to give birth, be humble about what you don't know if you're trying to be a support person. 'A lot of nurses would really admire someone to say, I don't know what to do, but I want to be helpful,' Guzmán said.
And if you are pregnant and concerned your baby's father will make labor a nightmare, Hamilton encourages you to bring someone else, even if that person makes zero sense to outsiders — like a sibling, a best friend or your hairdresser who is always there for you in a crisis.
'It's OK to pick someone that others may see as random,' Hamilton said. 'Protect your peace. Labor is too hard to bring someone with you who is just going to make it harder.'
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Forbes
6 minutes ago
- Forbes
Deportations Are Landing Pets In Animal Shelters And Rescues
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Arrieta is trusted in many Hispanic neighborhoods in Denver because in 2012, she started going door-to-door to speak in Spanish about low-cost spay/neuter clinics she organized for the community. She's also rescued over 1,000 dogs since then. Now in 2025, she often fields phone calls from community members asking her to take in dogs left behind due to deportations. 'It's becoming very common for somebody to call me and be like, 'My neighbor got a dog because they deported so-and-so, and they left him with her, but now they don't know what to do with the dog and they don't have time to take care of it. Can you take it on?'' she said. 'So I'll either take on the dog and find him a home myself, or I have to find a Humane Society or another rescue if I'm too full.' She found Gigi a new home with a loving family, and is currently caring for four foster dogs in her home. But she's very concerned about how many animals are being left behind when their families are deported — and the stress that separation causes both the pets and the people. 'A lot of times families are scared to go directly to a shelter because they don't have an ID,' she said. 'Not only that, but they have this perception about a dog shelter that your dog is going to killed the moment you drop it off.' Shelter Concerns Nationwide Pets being separated from their families due to deportations comes at a time when many shelters across the country are already struggling with capacity problems due to economic issues and slow adoption rates. Last month, Animal Care Centers of NYC stopped accepting owner surrenders of pets because for the first time — with over 1,000 pets to care for — there simply wasn't enough room. The 2025 Mid-Year Analysis Report from Shelter Animals Count, a nonprofit that maintains a database of U.S. sheltering statistics, found that 290,000 dogs and cats have been euthanized in shelters so far this year. Stephanie Filer, executive director of Shelter Animals Count, said large dogs are most at risk in shelters, but it's not isolated to them. 'We're seeing both species — cats and dogs — and dogs of all sizes and ages staying much longer in shelters than they ever were prior to the pandemic,' she said. 'We're continuing to see shelters closing intake or limiting intake as attempts to get ahold of the number of animals coming into their shelter. It really is a continued and sustained crisis across the country.' The easiest way to help is to adopt a pet from a shelter, she noted. 'There's an urgent need,' she said. 'Literally every hour can be the difference between life and death of often healthy, adoptable animals.' Preparation Planning Prior To Deportations Marcia Mayeda, director of animal care and control for the County of Los Angeles, which operates six shelters, agrees that adopting and fostering shelter pets saves lives — and is urgently needed. To help keep pets from entering the shelter system due to financial issues, the department created Pets Are Family programs help keep pets at home, such as providing vouchers of up to $500 for veterinary treatments, and free 'Vet at the Park' mobile clinics for free exams, deworming, vaccinations, pet food and other supplies. But the L.A. shelters are still seeing a concerning uptick in intakes. As of June 10, when the department started tracking surrenders due to deportations, the county has taken in 25 dogs and six cats, she said. Breeds include Belgian Malinois, Chihuahua, English bulldog, Labrador retriever, boxer, Maltese, French bulldog, German shepherd, husky, shih tzu and Lhasa apso. 'They don't want to surrender their pets,' she said. 'They love them — they're family members — but they have no other option. Either they've been taken into custody or have to leave, and you can't just leave the country with a pet on a whim. They have to have medical exams by veterinarians and get a medical health certificate, and depending on what country you go to, they may have other rules and regulations. You can't just throw them in the car and drive across the border or get on an airplane.' It's emotionally difficult for the staff to see upset families forced to relinquish their beloved pets, and stressful for the animals to enter a shelter environment, Mayeda said. 'They don't know why they're there — what this place is or who we are,' she said. 'They get fed, they get medicine, they get petted, they get taken for walks, but we're not their family. And it's loud. There are other dogs barking at them. It's very disorienting for them.' To help these pets get adopted as quickly as possible, the department suggests people at risk of deportation make a plan like when disaster planning for wildfires and earthquakes (though she notes that unlike in natural disasters, pets can't evacuate with people being deported). 'We want them to write a full description of their pet's personality and what it likes, what it's afraid of, what it likes to eat, its favorite toys — all that sort of stuff. So whoever gets the animal knows some background and knows, 'Oh, it loves or hates to go for rides in the car,'' she said. 'Also make sure they get all their pets' vaccine records and health records together. Whatever you can do to make the transition smoother for the animal.' She also suggests having emergency contacts and backup caregivers in place ahead of time. 'If a person is detained at work and taken into custody, who's going to know about your animal that's in your apartment — and that it needs to be fed and watered and everything? So make sure you have some sort of arrangement with friends or neighbors that you check on each other every day and know if you're there or not — whatever signal or check-in process works best for them. And if your neighbor notices you haven't come home, who can they call to come get your pet out of the home? And would that person know what to do with it?' It's possible that some strays brought in that go unclaimed by owners might be pets of undocumented people who are afraid to go to the shelter, where animal control officers wear uniforms and badges. 'When you feel like you're being hunted, anybody with a badge in uniform is scary,' she said. An Adopter's Perspective In February, a Chihuahua-greyhound mix named Luna landed at Austin Animal Center in Austin, Texas, due to deportation. The family had adopted her from the shelter a few years prior. Alondra Solis and her sister Cinthia Solis, co-owners of the clothing company Cuídate, fell in love with Luna and adopted her. 'She's really sweet,' Alondra Solis said. 'She takes a while to open up to any new person she meets. She'll watch you and observe you before she lets you carry her or pet her. But after she opens up to you, she is just very loving.' The 'dainty' dog loves playing in her new home with Bubbles, a 5-year-old corgi, under the watchful eye of Taco, a senior Chihuahua. Solis made a TikTok video with Luna in the hopes that her former family might see it and find comfort knowing their dog found a loving home. She doesn't know much about the family other than they had kids. 'I would love to let her family know that they don't have to worry about her. She ended up in a very loving family,' she said. 'I think of myself and if my family was in that position and we were facing deportation and then I had to give up my dogs. I would always just wonder, 'Where did they end up and how are they doing?'' If she knew Luna's family, she would be happy to send them photos and keep them updated — or even more. Her voice broke as she grew emotional and said, 'We love her. And if her family ever wanted her back — it's upsetting — but we would give her back to her family.' Border Separations From Deportations Back in 2012, Texas resident Ruby Montana founded the nonprofit Bridge Pups Rescue in El Paso to care for stray dogs and cats inadvertently crossing the international bridges over the Rio Grande between her city and Ciudad Juárez, Mexico. Her brother, a U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) agent, alerted her to the situation and soon other agents reached out with requests for help with strays, too. But when economic and political turmoil in Venezuela led to an influx of migrants in 2022, her focus shifted to caring for pets brought in by migrants while they were processed by CBP and later reuniting them. Now it's shifted again to helping pets of families when they're deported. 'Where we're at now is focusing on helping these families — either meeting them across the border in Juárez and taking their pets there, to sometimes, sadly, having to rehome the dogs because they're not allowed,' she said. Recently she took in a yellow Labrador retriever mix from a woman named Neimar who told her she was being forced to self-deport and couldn't take her dog. It is one of the worst situations Montana has heard: several years ago when Neimar fled Venezuela with her 10-year-old daughter and their dog, her daughter drowned while they were crossing the Darién Gap between Columbia and Panama. 'I couldn't believe such a tragedy,' Montana said. 'The little girl went under and so did basically all her belongings, and the mother had nothing left of her little girl except her dog, Perris. It's a reminder of her daughter, and now I have to rehome Perris. It's devastating.' European Deportations Causing Pet Separations Alisha Vianello, executive director of Gateway Pet Guardians, a nonprofit that operates an animal shelter and pet resource center in East Saint Louis, Illinois, hadn't seen any pets surrendered due to deportations until earlier this summer. She answered the door to a crying woman who was an active volunteer for the nonprofit, bringing in strays and a litter of puppies, fostering and even adopting. The woman is originally from Germany and has four children, some born in the United States, but went through a divorce from her American husband. 'She was just bawling, like, 'I need you guys to take my dogs.' Basically ICE showed up at her former home and was coming to get her,' she said. 'She said she's better off self-deporting because if she didn't, I guess people are ending up separated from their children. They might be sent to a country that's not their home country. So she was devastated. She loves these dogs.' Sometimes Gateway Pet Guardians asks people surrendering pets if they can keep them for another month or two while the nonprofit tries to find foster families to take them in, but that wasn't possible due to the urgency of the situation. So Vianello immediately accepted the two mixed-breed dogs. 'We're just so sick and sad over it,' Vianello said. 'This is a good person who's a good community member who doesn't cause trouble, who is helping animals and helping her community. She's volunteering for a rescue. She's certainly not a menace or threat to the United States in any way.' On June 4, Temma Martin, founder of the nonprofit Operation Pawpulation, which provides low-cost spay/neuter, vaccination and microchipping services in Salt Lake City, Utah, received an email with the subject header 'Urgent humanitarian request – please read!' 'It was from a woman from the U.K., and she was having to return to the U.K. because her visa was cancelled, and they had this 9-month-old puppy,' Martin said. 'Through the program that they were using to find a foster home, they couldn't get him fostered until he was neutered. So they needed him neutered as soon as possible, and she only had days. She said she was ordered by a judge to vacate the property on Sunday, and this was on a Wednesday.' The woman told Martin she hoped to transport the dog, Rocky, to the United Kingdom once she and her family were settled. Rocky is particularly special because he's her young grandson's dog. Martin's team was able to neuter Rocky the next day. When the woman came to pick up Rocky, she asked if it was OK to give Martin a hug. 'She basically said this was a blessing that this was able to happen with such short notice,' she said. 'She was a very kind and sweet person, and I was really glad that we were able to help.' Planning For Pets Before Deportation Martin is concerned about the impact future deportations could have on an already overburdened shelter system, and for the welfare of pets left behind in homes when their owners are detained by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) following arrests. Mike Alvarez, a spokesperson for ICE, said agents inquire about any pets at home. 'Like other law enforcement agencies, ICE always asks arrested aliens a series of questions to determine if they have any responsibilities such as animals in their care. If so, ICE makes contact with state, local or municipal authorities or agencies as appropriate. It is incumbent upon the arrestee to notify ICE and provide such information when asked,' he said. Still, Martin recommends neighbors help people who are fearful of being deported make a plan for their pets in case they are detained. (The ASPCA offers an online list of general disaster planning suggestions, including potential pet separation, such as giving a set of keys to a trusted friend or neighbor.) In late May, Stephen Miller, deputy White House chief of staff for policy, pushed for 3.000 daily ICE arrests, and the 'Big Beautiful Bill' signed by President Trump on July 4 allocates nearly $170 billion to bolster deportation efforts. So Martin is worried about what the future may bring. 'It's really alarming to think about the scale of the numbers of people and pets that are being impacted and who will be in the future,' Martin said. It's a concern shared by Jessica Miller-Ramirez, founder of the Michigan nonprofit Detroiters Helping Each Other. The group takes in goods people no longer need — clothing, furniture, appliances and other household items — and gives them to people in need for free. Several times a week the group hosts food trucks for people or pet food trucks. Through her network, she's also taken in 20-30 pets of people self-deporting, including dogs, cats, birds, hamsters and a guinea pig. 'These are all well-loved animals,' she said. She's also urging people to get to know their neighbors, and for people who are undocumented to make a safety plan in case they are detained, like writing down an emergency contact to keep in your wallet. She recommends putting a sign in the window with the number of pets in the home, like the ones used to alert fire fighters about cats and dogs in the home who may need rescue. Additionally, she suggests getting a fluorescent collar and using a black marker to write the dog's name and an emergency phone number. 'If you come across an aggressive dog but it hears its name being spoken, they calm down,' she said. 'Start preparing so your animals aren't suffering along with you.' Pets Left Behind Detroit resident Dulce Garza works with numerous animal rescue organizations and is bilingual in English and Spanish. She's helped find foster or permanent homes for 16 dogs since February. Recently she took in two dogs — a small bully breed and a Shih tzu mix — from a family she's known for nearly a decade. The family's 18-year-old son was a passenger in a car with co-workers heading to a landscaping job when the driver was pulled over at a traffic stop. 'The driver had documentation, but they asked for documentation for every person in the car. The only person that did not have documentation was the 18-year-old and he was detained,' she said. 'He was detained for about two months and then he was sent back to Mexico. Those kids have been here since they were babies.' So the mother and another son decided to follow him to Mexico and needed Garza to find new homes for their dogs — which she did. But she's sad that such loved dogs had to be separated from their family. 'I watched them love those dogs. Those dogs were love, love, loved,' she said. 'They're hardworking people. None of them are criminals. It's just the saddest thing.' Reverend Kyle Aaron Reese lives in Brooklyn, New York, and volunteers for the nonprofit Flatbush Cats. In February, he saw a friend's Facebook post about a man deported to Brazil whose English bulldog, Benny, needed a new home. So Reese and his husband adopted Benny. 'Initially, Benny was sad. He didn't have a lot of energy. He was just nervous,' he said. 'He didn't really understand what was happening. He was with strangers. That's going to be tough on any dog.' But now Benny is a 'happy boy' who loves playing with the family's basset hound, Holly, and annoying the 'cranky' senior Labrador retriever, Izzy. (The three cats have been forced to accept the new arrival.) Benny even has his own Instagram account as 'Benedict Pupperbatch.' While Benny's story has a happy ending, Reverend Reese worries about all the other pets who need or will need new homes due to deportations — particularly when animal shelters are already overcrowded. 'These deportations don't just affect the people who are being sent away,' he said. 'They're affecting everyone. They affect these animals.'
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