Guilt of freedom weighs on released Israeli hostage

CNN

a day ago

The Middle East
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Eliya Cohen is a survivor who can't yet bring himself to live again. He hid under bodies as Hamas militants hurled grenades into a bomb shelter before they took him prisoner. He lived through 505 days of captivity in Gaza, chained and sharing scraps of pita and canned beans with other hostages. And he was released to his joyful family – and to find his girlfriend alive and waiting for him.
But six months after he got out of Gaza, he says he cannot begin to recover. Not while other hostages are still held there.
'I feel guilty when I eat. I feel guilty when I get showered. I feel guilty when I go to the hospital,' he told CNN in an exclusive interview with Chief International Correspondent Clarissa Ward. 'I feel guilty because I know what they are going through right now.'
He recognizes he must work to heal the physical and mental wounds, but thoughts of the last 20 living hostages in Gaza weigh on him every day, he says, brethren from a family he cannot let himself forget.
Cohen was at the Nova music festival with his girlfriend Ziv Abud the morning of October 7, 2023, when Palestinian militants broke through Gaza's border fence under a hail of accompanying rockets from Hamas and other groups who took part in the attack.
Cohen and Abud, like many other festival goers, ran for cover.
The pair hid in a concrete bomb shelter with about 30 others but were found by the attackers, who threw grenades inside. Those at the front of the bunker were killed by the explosions.
As more grenades were hurled, Cohen and Abud hid under the dead bodies. It was the only protection they could find.
'I talked with Ziv a lot … trying to check if she's alive or not. And she told me, 'It's OK, at least in the sky (heaven), we will be OK,'' he said.
The militants stormed the shelter and fired gunshots, killing his girlfriend's nephew and partner and wounding Cohen in the leg. He was found and put on the back of a pickup truck alongside Hersh Goldberg-Polin and Or Levy, leaving Abud behind.
He thought he'd never see her again.
'I was really sure that she died. There is no chance that she survived that,' Cohen recalled.
Once they reached Gaza, Cohen said a Hamas militant told him the group wanted to use the hostages to come to an agreement with Israel to release Palestinians from Israeli prisons.
He didn't expect to be there for more than 500 days.
For most of his captivity, Cohen said he was held in a small, dark and 'abandoned' tunnel with Or Levy, Eli Sharabi and Alon Ohel. Levy and Sharabi have been released; Ohel remains in captivity in Gaza.
He said their legs were bound with motorcycle chains, making it difficult to go to the bathroom. He showered only once every two months and didn't brush his teeth for a year. The four hostages shared a piece of pita bread and a can of beans every day 'for a long time,' he recalled.
'For eight months, we slept on the floor … I dislocated my shoulder so many nights … we felt weak,' he added.
What helped Cohen stay strong was the bond he built with other hostages, especially treasuring the relationship he formed with Hersh Goldberg-Polin.
Goldberg-Polin was taking cover in the same shelter as Cohen when a grenade blew off his left arm. They were separated in Gaza and Cohen thought Goldberg-Polin probably wouldn't survive the injury.
Two months later, they found themselves reunited in a tunnel, where they were briefly held together. Cohen instantly recognized him from his bandaged arm, and they bonded over their shared experience in the bomb shelter.
Goldberg-Polin even helped Cohen learn English after he gave him a book to read.
'We were together for three days, but it felt like we were friends for 10 years,' Cohen said.
Last summer, there were hopes that Goldberg-Polin would be released during the first phase of an eventual ceasefire agreement, even if it was still months away. While they were held together, Goldberg-Polin promised Cohen to tell his parents that their son was alive. It was a promise he would never be able to keep.
Shortly afterwards, Goldberg-Polin and five other hostages were killed by Hamas after Israeli forces approached the tunnel they were held in.
When Cohen found out in captivity, it was a shock.
'I cried a lot. I actually didn't believe it,' Cohen said.
Cohen grew emotional describing his time in captivity, especially when referring to Ohel, the last remaining hostage he was held with.
After Sharabi and Levy were released in February during the first phase of a ceasefire agreement signed in January, Cohen's captors told him he was next on the list.
That meant leaving Ohel behind.
'It was a difficult situation … we hugged each other, and we started to cry,' he said, promising him he would fight for his release back in Israel.
When Cohen returned home, he was shocked to discover that his girlfriend Abud had survived the bomb shelter and had herself been campaigning for his release ever since.
'I can't put into words how it felt,' he said. 'It was like a dream. For a week, it felt like a dream looking at her,' he said.
One month later, Israel launched a wave of deadly airstrikes across the Gaza Strip, shattering the ceasefire and any hopes that Cohen would see Ohel soon. Cohen has found little reason for hope since then.
Earlier this month, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu vowed to expand his military offensive further and occupy Gaza City.
The plan provoked harsh criticism inside Israel, especially from the families of the remaining 50 hostages – some dead, some alive – in Gaza, warning the move could mean they would be lost forever.
After 22 months of pounding Gaza, Israel has been facing global condemnation over its actions and the starvation of Palestinians.
Cohen was only able to catch a glimpse of Gaza once when he was moved from one tunnel to another, describing it as an 'apocalypse.'
He said the only way Ohel and the remaining hostages would return is through a deal, and he urged Netanyahu to go back to the negotiating table.
'I believe they can bring all the hostages home in the same way I came home.'