Ask Rachel: I've got erectile dysfunction. Should I invite another man into our marriage?

Telegraph

16-05-2025

Have a sex or relationship question? Ask Rachel about it using the form below or email [e-mail]
Dear Rachel,
I am a 66-year-old man who suffers from erectile dysfunction (ED). I have tried every treatment out there, but nothing works. I have noticed that my wife and I are starting to argue more frequently over the slightest of things – we have been married for 47 years and I am wondering could it be frustration on behalf of my wife.
It has got to the stage where I am wondering if I should consider bringing another man in to do what I can't. I have not discussed this with my wife and I really do not know how she will take it. I would appreciate your advice.
- Anon
Dear Anon,
When Princess Diana said there were three of us in the marriage and so 'it was a little bit crowded' she was of course speaking of Prince Charles' outside ride with the love of his life Camilla Parker-Bowles. The existence of Mrs Parker-Bowles, now Queen, caused Di exquisite agony and humiliation and the rest was tragedy (for her, I should say).
Times have changed. We have (I am using the royal 'we' here) the throuple, a perfectly hideous word for an arrangement whereby instead of there being a couple on a bicycle made for two pedalling away, there are three. In a gay relationship, the third wheel is always male; in a lesbian one, female; but in a straight relationship, the unicorn can be either – which I find puzzling. I find it hard to imagine that some red-blooded beefy Englishman would enjoy sharing his wife and bed with another bloke, but then maybe I have lived a sheltered life (one of my favourite jokes? Question: 'What's the difference between a straight man and a gay man?' Answer: 'About two pints of lager.' Boom boom!) In the West End play, called Unicorn starring Stephen Mangan and Nicole Walker as the stale married couple, the unicorn is a younger woman (Erin Doherty, who played Princess Anne in the Crown). I find that easier to imagine, for some reason, maybe as I've always wanted a wife myself.
Now, in your case, you talk about importing a male like a stallion, to mount and dismount her, and then return to the stables. It strikes me that this is an attempt to control the situation in case she is tempted to get her oats elsewhere after 47 years of chomping from the same nosebag.
No? Marian O'Connor reminds you that Viagra doesn't work without desire and sex is more than an erect member. 'Love making is not just about sexual intercourse. It's about talking, kissing, caressing – all of which stimulate the production of oxytocin, the 'love hormone.' Many couples enjoy a fantastic sex life without penetration.' As for remedies, she doesn't think a sex stud is the answer, and nor do I. You can't Deliveroo sex to someone else. 'If she really misses penetration, you could try a penile vacuum pump on yourself or buy a dildo.'
O'Connor also says you may need to invest in some couple therapy which brings us to the Perls, a couple who work as a couple with couples. They cut to the chase. 'Is this a physical issue or a psychological issue? Does he masturbate, does he get an erection if he watches porn or gets turned on in some other way? If the answer is yes then this would point to psychological issues that need addressing with effective psychosexual therapy along with his wife,' they recommend. 'If the answer is no, then maybe he has a physical issue underlying his ED that needs further medical investigation.'
The Perls think your stud suggestion is a bit 'out there' too unless of course you are nursing cuckolding as a fetish – I am going to do a column on this soon, as we have heard the first cuckoo – and this would scratch that itch. The Perls go on to say that opening up a relationship is high risk. Boundaries can be torched by the fiery breath of passion as 'emotions are not always subject to willpower alone,' they warn. 'We have worked with a number of couples where emotional infatuation or limerence developed despite prior agreements, leading to significant and ongoing relational difficulties.'
They say it's rare that both parties in a marriage are equally as enthusiastic to opening things up, and then when one of them develops feelings for the person outside the marriage 'that's when the wheels come off the bus'. I've just re-read your letter again and you know and I know it's a mad plan. If your wife wants action outside the marriage, she will go get it herself and you can't order it in like a burger on Just Eat.
Dear Rachel,
Rebecca* and I have been dating since 2008. We are in our 60s. We live separately. We have a great sex life, toys, lots of inhibition, we have made videos, we have sex every time we meet. We want to try a threesome (ffm) and possibly a group, Genevieve has hinted at this only in jokes, as I have. I think she wants to try but I don't know how to arrange it. What must we do?
- Denis*
Dear Denis,
I admit I had to work out what 'ffm' meant– it's two females and a male, as per Unicorn, above. Are you asking me how you organise a threesome? My husband would howl with laughter but as you ask, I did mention a while ago an app called Feeld which covers the waterfront: it describes itself as 'for the curious' and its users are those open to experiencing polyamory, consensual non-monogamy, homo- and heteroflexibility, pansexuality, asexuality, aromanticism, voyeurism, and kink.
Sounds as if it is right up your strasse. It could be that talking about a threesome is only something she articulates because she thinks it's something that you fantasise about, having two women at the same time, and she does it to light your fire. If she's serious, I see no harm in arranging it via a willing third party.
On a side note, I'm sure many of my readers are thinking what a lusty pair you are. So many of my correspondents write in as one or both have lost that loving feeling. I wonder whether you are keeping the old soufflé so high and puffy and hot because you live apart? It would seem so from my reading of the work of Esther Perel (her seminal work is Mating in Captivity) as she says if a pair bonded couple live together a relationship can slip from sexual and emotional to fraternal and companionable as you trolley around supermarkets, pay the bills and put out the bins. If you do try a threesome (sounds old-fashioned now, that word) do read the Perls' wise words, above, as sex can annoyingly lead to feelings of being in love. Which can be very disruptive. In short, I'm not sure three is the magic number for either of today's honoured correspondents.
*Names have been changed