Ask Anna: How to make LGBTQ+ friends as an adult

Chicago Tribune

a day ago

Dear Anna,
My girlfriend and I (both 28, together for three years) have a solid group of friends from college and work, but we're the only queer couple in the bunch. While our friends are supportive and inclusive, we're craving connections with other LGBTQ+ people who just 'get it' without explanation. The problem is, we're not sure how to branch out at this stage of our lives. We're past the club scene and dating apps obviously aren't the right tool for friendship. We've tried a few LGBTQ+ meetups but they skewed much older than us. How do we find our queer chosen family without it feeling forced or like we're abandoning our current friendships? We want to expand our circle, not replace it, but we're struggling to know where to start. — Bad at Finding Friends
Dear BFF,
The struggle is real. Regardless of sexual orientation, the older we get, the harder it is to make friends. This isn't your fault. When we're younger, socialization is built into a lot of our activities. As we age, that becomes less and less true. And depending on where you live, finding friends can be especially challenging, particularly if you're in a monogamous relationship, aka not doing the dating-to-friends pipeline.
I have vivid memories of being 22 and making lifelong friends with random people on the sidewalk at Pride, getting swept into their friend group like some beautiful gay fairy tale. (Fairy gayle?) Alas, those days are over. Is it because I'm too jaded to strike up conversations with strangers on sidewalks? Or because everyone's buried in their phones? Probably both, plus the fun crushing weight of adult social anxiety.
But fear not! Alternatives do exist. However, like getting abs or learning TikTok dances, a certain amount of effort must be invested to get anything worthwhile out of it.
Let's talk apps, because as the cliche goes, there's an app for everything now, including queer friendship. Lex has a friendship/community component that (in my opinion) works way better than using it for dating. It's text-first, so you actually get to know people's personalities instead of judging their bathroom mirror selfie game. Plus, you can join group chats based on your interests — comedy shows, writing fan-fiction, rock climbing, erotic crochet (I mean, one can dream), etc. HER also lets you switch to 'looking for friends' mode, though you'll still get the occasional person who clearly didn't read your profile and propositions you anyway. And Bumble BFF exists too — not exclusively queer, but you can be pretty obvious about what you're seeking.
For IRL connections, think beyond those generic 'LGBTQ+ Meetup' events where everyone stands around awkwardly eating gluten-free wafers. Look for activity-based groups where friendship happens naturally while you're distracted by actually doing something fun. What would you enjoy doing anyway that just happens to be better with other queer humans? Book clubs where you can argue about whether that character was actually gay or just 'really good friends,' hiking groups, volunteer work that doesn't make you want to cry. Many cities have queer sports leagues ranging from serious competition to less serious. (Drunk pickleball, anyone?) Gay bar trivia nights are clutch — nothing bonds people like collectively failing to remember who won Eurovision in 2019.
Pro tip: Become the lesbian social coordinator you wish existed in the world. Host a casual Pride potluck and make each of your straight friends bring one queer person they know. Your allies probably have LGBTQ+ coworkers, cousins or that person from their yoga class who has a labret piercing and a rainbow carabiner. You'd be amazed how connected we all are through the gay grapevine.
Check out local LGBTQ+ centers too — many have age-specific events so you don't end up feeling like someone's mom at a college mixer or someone's granddaughter at a retirement home bingo night. (Though I've done both and can say these events also have their charms.)
Remember: Building chosen family is a marathon, not a sprint (unless you're really lucky and stumble into a friend group at karaoke night/a magical sidewalk). Start with one genuine connection and let it take as long as it takes to bloom. The beauty of queer friendship is real — that instant 'finally, someone who gets it' feeling when you don't have to explain why your heart quickens during certain Chappell Roan songs or watching Cate Blanchett do literally anything. Be patient and keep searching. Happy Pride.
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