Jimmy Fallon Said He'd Kill Himself If He Didn't Get On SNL
Content warning: This post discusses suicidal ideation.
Jimmy Fallon first appeared on Saturday Night Live in 1998 and wound up staying on the show until 2004.
In 2009, he landed his first talk-show hosting gig on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and by 2014, he'd taken over as the host of The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, where he remains today.
It's safe to say that SNL was Jimmy's big break, and in the past, he's talked about how being cast on the NBC show was quite literally his only ambition in life. Now, appearing as a guest on the Diary of a CEO podcast this week, the talk-show host opened up about his next-level devotion to achieving his SNL dream.
'I would rewatch it and study it,' he recalled. 'I almost became so obsessed in high school that I couldn't really hang out with anyone while I watched the show 'cause I didn't like it if anyone didn't like the show.'
Jimmy also remembered staying home and drinking alcohol while he watched the show as a teenager. 'I would watch Saturday Night Live with a six-pack, and watch it and study it.'
Jimmy was rejected when he first auditioned for SNL in 1997, but was fortunately invited back a year later. In 2011, Jimmy told Rolling Stone that he was so fixated on being cast on SNL that he genuinely felt he had nothing else to live for if he didn't make it happen. 'I remember saying to myself, 'If I don't make it on Saturday Night Live before I'm 25, I'm going to kill myself,'' he said at the time. 'It's crazy. I had no other plan. I didn't have friends, I didn't have a girlfriend, I didn't have anything going on. I had my career, that was it.'
In his Diary of a CEO interview, host Steven Bartlett brought up this quote and asked Jimmy if he really meant what he said all those years ago. 'Yeah, I did,' he replied, before giving some insight into his staunchly devoted mindset. 'But, again, I knew that I was gonna be on Saturday Night Live, so I guess I didn't really mean it.'
By 24, Jimmy had made his SNL debut and was already solidifying himself as a star — although that didn't mean he wasn't facing difficulties. When asked what he wasn't 'prepared' for during his early years on the show, Jimmy got brutally honest about having to adjust to criticism and feedback.
'Getting rejection. Getting your sketches cut. Being told you're not funny,' he said. 'You think that it's just going to be, 'Oh, this is cool. Everyone will be great.' But then, not everyone's rooting for you. Some people want you to fail.'
'People's jobs are to take me down and to put bad press out and stuff. That's their job, and you're just like, 'Ooh.' I don't live in that world. I don't believe that it's real, but it kind of is real and you go, 'Oh, people are just kind of being mean,'' he said, recalling that the only way to manage was to 'toughen up' and 'keep being funny.'
Notably, he said one of the most difficult things to deal with was the realization that there were lots of people who might not like him. 'I hate it. I want everyone to like me,' he said. 'I can't stand it. I go, 'Oh, my gosh. What can I do to make you like me?' I think the answer is you can't. You can't make everyone like you. You just have to do what you do. And do the best that you can at what you do. And be happy with yourself.'
You can find his full appearance on the Diary of a CEO podcast here.
Dial 988 in the United States to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The 988 Lifeline is available 24/7/365. Your conversations are free and confidential. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org. The Trevor Project, which provides help and suicide-prevention resources for LGBTQ youth, is 1-866-488-7386.
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