The money conversations to have while on a date or in a longer-term relationship

Independent

31-01-2025

Finance may not be the first thing on couple's minds when entering romantic relationships, but a partner is often the first person we go to for help with money concerns.
Just over a quarter (26%) of people would turn to their partner if they were in debt and needing support, according to new research for Tesco Bank.
Nearly three in 10 (29%) women would turn to their partner, compared with 24% of men.
Partners are more likely than parents (23%), banks (18%) friends (12%), charities (9%), other family members (8%), other financial providers (4%) or employers (4%) to be a first port of call for adults in a tricky debt situation, the Opinium Research survey of 2,000 people across the UK indicates.
Mamta Shanbhag, borrow director at Tesco Bank says: 'Being open and honest about the state of your finances can go some way to lifting any financial burden you feel on your shoulders.
'Managing it alone can be overwhelming, so having a support system in place, whether it's a partner, family member, or friend, can provide a source of comfort.
'However, less than 20% of us would turn to our bank for support, but your financial provider may have solutions that you're not aware of. Start by taking a look at your own provider's website or give them a call directly to discuss your situation.'
With Valentine's Day approaching on February 14, new romances will be blossoming. And starting some tentative money conversations in a relationship's early stages could prove useful later down the line.
Alice Haine, personal finance analyst at Bestinvest by Evelyn Partners, the online investment platform, says: 'Just as a new couple will want to ascertain early on in a relationship whether they have similar values, aspirations and life goals, such as getting married or starting a family, making sure you see eye-to-eye on finances is also imperative.'
She adds that conflicting approaches towards money management 'can cause major flare ups between partners if they are not addressed in the early stages of a relationship'.
It's often said that opposites attract – and Haine says conflicts can arise if a conservative saver starts dating a compulsive spender.
But, more positively, she says couples can also learn from one another – and adjust their financial priorities.
'The compulsive spender with lots of credit cards may want to learn about budgeting and learning to live within their means, while the obsessive saver can learn to relax a little and live a little bit more in the moment rather than solely focusing on the future,' says Haine.
She also says that while money is important in a relationship 'it's not about how much you earn – it's quite normal for one partner to earn much more than the other'.
The key is understanding each other's financial goals, values and behaviours, she says.
So how can couples introduce money topics while on a date?
Haine says it's important not to go overboard, adding: 'Quizzing a date on their net worth, income level, credit score, investment strategy or five-year career plan during your first meeting is not the way to go about it.
'This is more likely to scare someone off than lead to the start of a beautiful relationship.
'But if you are really keen on someone and want to see them again, discussing money matters in a non-confrontational way is an easy way to get an idea of their financial outlook.'
She suggests taking a more subtle route into the financial mindset of a prospective partner.
'Questions about their next holiday, their hobbies or their big life dreams can offer valuable insights into their goals and how they like to spend their money,' says Haine.
'You could ask them what their dream trip would look like, what fun activity they are saving up for, or how they typically spend their weekends. Their favourite hangouts, go-to restaurants or job aspirations are also easy topics to hone in on.'
Hopes and aspirations don't always match up to reality though, and Haine cautions against making too many assumptions.
She says: 'They might be in the early stages of a very successful career and just be going through a tight financial period.
'If all their stories involve excessive spending and debt, however, with no indication of a plan to get out of that debt, then, yes, that might be a red flag.'
As relationships progress, money topics can be explored more deeply.
'Whether it's clearing a credit card every month, planning big purchases or agreeing to merge your finances and have a joint account, it is important that couples are on the same page to avoid conflict,' says Haine.
'You might find that one person is better at managing money than the other and could take the lead on financial matters, though it is also very important that all decisions are made jointly.'
Long-established couples will face some financial tough patches, whether they stem from saving for a house purchase or rent deposit, taking a career break, raising a family, or perhaps saving enough for retirement.
'Stress levels can rise and being able to sit down and have conflict-free discussions is important,' says Haine.
Splitting bills can also be a sticking point, particularly when one partner earns more than the other. Haine says establishing clear guidelines on who pays for what and how finances are managed will help ensure one person doesn't feel worse off than the other.
For those who are married or in civil partnerships, there are also potential tax benefits and planning opportunities to consider, says Haine.
'There are inheritance privileges too – and don't forget about the annual Marriage Allowance where a lower earner can transfer part of their annual tax-free personal allowance to their spouse or civil partner to create a tax saving,' says Haine.
'It might not sound romantic – but it makes financial sense.'