Peace is a lie when pigeons bomb your balcony

India Today

3 days ago

There is no bigger crisis in an urban dweller's life than a pigeon entering your living room. It flies around to escape, knocking over stuff, terrorising the inhabitants, and is too dumb to understand that a human approaching, wants to save it, and not have it with tandoori roti.How come this symbol of peace - which politicians used to release in the air after a ceasefire in the pre-Trump era - became an urban terrorist? The cute ones which Chaudhry Baldev Singh from Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge used to feed in his sarson ke khet? The ones which carried love letters to debut actresses? They are gone.advertisementEarlier, people used to stay peacefully in their paternal homes in small towns and prepare for government exams. Then, one fine day, a pious lady lent some money to her IITian husband, and he kick-started an industry which created traffic in Bengularu and helped thousands of small towners to move to metros.
As the IT industry brought prosperity, people could afford EMIs, and builders stacked up houses on top of each other to create condominiums. Now, you are on the 25th floor, having tea in your balcony, looking philosophically into the distance, thinking about cutting sugar from your diet. And suddenly, a pigeon materialises on your balcony railing. It looks at you, tilts its head, and attempts to grab the rusk from your plate. You shoo it away, in a fit of rage - not just at the pigeon but also at yourself. Is this the life you could afford for yourself, after all the years of hard work, fighting off pests to secure your food? Unbearable.Now, a balcony is something which the Delhi-NCR waalas take pride in. A win over Mumbai, which believes a balcony space can be made into the guest bedroom. If you can hear what your TV is playing while sitting in your bathroom, you are most likely in Mumbai.Balconies are sacred. And this is something the avian species is not in agreement with. It is a shared space. These gutar-goo drones ensure that the space is bombed by their faecal projectiles, so that you never dare to put anything of value in the balcony. That fake grass carpet? Pigeons love it.I often suspect that Freon, the gas used in air conditioners, is some kind of aphrodisiac for pigeon folk. The air conditioner is where they love reproducing. Often, a couple in the adjoining bedroom, busy on their respective phones, hear the intense copulation of pigeons, look at each other, and go to sleep with an ache in the heart.Society WhatsApp groups are always abuzz with new and improved air defence systems, to save yourself from these loitering munitions. Some suggest laying down pigeon spikes, which eventually hurts a human only.Like how you set a really tough email password, only to eventually find yourself locked out. Other remedies, like wind chimes, laser lights, etc. are all suggested to boost Chinese imports, but they don't do much. The last resort, which is an absolute surrender, is to imprison yourself in a net. A bird-netting which wraps your entire balcony.advertisementEvery time a friend comes over, and you take them to the balcony, you have to pre-emotively apologise for the ruined view. They extend sympathies, instead of being impressed by your real estate purchase. You both curse the pigeons using the past tense. 'Now we are safe.' A painful surgery to take care of a menace, you think? Then you wake up the next morning to find a splotch on your car's windshield - the size of a neighbouring nation. There is no escape. No tariffs will help. There is no strategic autonomy. Make peace. The only upside is to take some inspiration from those damn pigeons rollicking in the window air conditioner.(Abhishek Asthana is the founder of a creative agency – GingerMonkey. He tweets as @GabbbarSingh)- Ends(Views expressed in this opinion piece are those of the author)Trending Reel