Dear Richard Madeley: My husband wants us to get a new dog, but I'm still grieving for our old one
Our much-loved Cairn Terrier recently died – she had got to a good age but it was quite sudden when it happened. My husband felt we should get a puppy of the same breed at the earliest opportunity, so we didn't get out of the habit of looking after a pet, and also so our children could get to know it before they went back to university. But I felt we should wait: it was just too soon for me and I didn't want to betray our dog's memory, if that's not a silly way of putting it. I also suggested it would be more ethical to get a rescue, but he was very hostile to the idea.
The problem is that a pure-bred Cairn puppy has become available and of course she is absolutely gorgeous. If we don't snap her up someone else will. I am now genuinely torn, but I still feel my plan – to wait six months and then find a rescue – is the right one. If I insist on that plan, my husband won't refuse, but I can feel myself wavering. What do you think?
– B
Dear B,
I think the unstated tension in your letter – because you may genuinely be unaware of it – is the difference in the way individuals grieve, whether that's for a parent, or a sibling, or a child, or, yes, a much-beloved pet.
I think that differential is largely what's at play here. Your husband wants to 'move on'; meanwhile you need time to come to terms with your loss. There's nothing wrong with either response – it's just that they don't match up and you're beginning to glare at each other across the gulf.
So... our old friend 'compromise' enters the frame. You need time; he craves action. You're going to have to negotiate the healing process.
All I can suggest is that you talk it through, with kindness and gentleness, to find the least painful solution for both of you. I can't believe that the opportunity to secure a Cairn puppy won't repeat itself, so perhaps it's your husband who should consider giving way. But be kind to each other. This is all about coping with grief. We all have our different ways. Good luck.
You can find more of Richard Madeley's advice here or submit your own dilemma below.
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