Feeling stuck in life? A simple guide to getting back on track

BBC News

5 days ago

We can all be overly critical of ourselves, telling ourselves we aren't good enough, that we are rubbish or we are going to make a fool of ourselves if we do something new. It's part of being human. But when we let that critical voice take over it means our lives can be less fulfilled. We stop ourselves from taking risks and can miss out on exciting opportunities, leaving us feeling stuck and unhappy in life.But it doesn't have to be like that. I'm going to share one of my favourite psychology lessons, which I have used to help hundreds of clients in the nine years I've worked in clinical psychology. It's a simple metaphor which worked for me too. Let me explain.
'Think of yourself as a bus'
Firstly, think of yourself as a bus - both the vehicle and its passengers. The bus represents our physical body and mind. The passengers represent our thoughts, emotions, sensations and memories.Some of our passengers are kind and helpful, encouraging us to try new things or improve our lives. However, others can be overly harsh and harmful. For example, for many of my clients, public speaking can trigger thoughts like: "I'll sound stupid and therefore be humiliated and rejected", causing them to feel anxious and scared, and say no to opportunities. For me, such thoughts and feelings come up more often in my romantic life.To cope, we might try to push negative passengers off our bus (e.g., "I shouldn't feel scared, it makes me weak"). We might also distract ourselves with work, drugs or alcohol, or just scrolling endlessly on our phones. Sometimes we bargain ourselves out of the things that we want ("I'll go to the party or meeting, but won't speak to anyone", "I'll apply for the job, but not the one I really want"), causing us to stay on a comfortable and familiar road, even if it feels unsatisfying.In other words, we avoid by trying to ignore or remove parts of ourselves that we feel are unacceptable.
Getting into the driver's seat
The problem is that we take ourselves everywhere we go. Which is why most of my clients are exhausted by the time they come to me, often feeling depressed and anxious. They've been pushing hard, but are pushing against themselves.What works much better is realising that rather than spend our limited energy trying to avoid parts of who we are, we are better off learning to accept and help ourselves with compassion. We're human and our passengers – the positive and the negative ones - are here to stay.The good news is that we can learn to drive our bus where we want it to go. For a better life, you have to get into the driver's seat of your own bus. Lead the way, and your passengers have no choice but to follow you.So how do you do that? Here's a step-by-step guide:
1) Accept your passengers
Even though emotions can sometimes feel overwhelming, they last minutes at a time, peaking and then reducing to a baseline. If your emotion is triggered by an activity - such as speaking in public or going on a first date - the next time you do the same thing, the peak will be that little bit lower, until eventually you get a flat line and no longer feel anxious. For me personally, setting boundaries - communicating my needs in order to protect my well-being - used to feel scary - "what if I'm too much for others?" Such thoughts still worry me, depending on the situation, but it's become easier with practice.
2) We only get one life
Work out what your values are and what you'd like out of your life. Use the following questions to help you decide where to take your bus and how you want to get there. What matters to you? What do you want, and what do you need? What are you committed to, even if it might not feel easy or pleasant? Personally, I'm committed to personal growth. I want to continuously develop self-awareness and learn new skills, whether at work or through my hobbies. I accept that learning and growing can take effort and sacrifice and I remind myself regularly that what's important is that I tried, even if I haven't always got what I wanted.
3) Accept what you can and can't have
I still don't have the family I dreamt of as a child. I was separated for many years from both my parents at different points in my childhood, and I promised myself that I'd have my own family one day, one that couldn't leave me. But in this unpredictable world, of course people can leave, voluntarily or otherwise. The pain of losing my parents (plus a bunch of other things) made it hard for me to tolerate uncertainty in my romantic relationships. I'd hold on too tightly and then push people away. But I believe in change and I continue to grow. Ultimately, I won't give up on my dreams and neither should you.
4) Mistakes are part of the deal
If you're not making mistakes, it's probably because you're playing it too safe, and you'll know it, even if others don't.
5) Value the journey as much as the destination
You can either be on your bus counting the seconds until you get there, or you can try to make the most of the journey too. Look out the window - ask for directions if you need to. If we appreciate the journey itself, life will be smoother and more enjoyable.On this journey called life, consider others, seek support and guidance, but remember that ultimately it's your life and you get to be in the driving seat.For more stories and tips on how to support your mental health and wellbeing, visit bbc.co.uk/mentalwellbeing.