Premier League fixtures give Burnley the ultimate test in how to park a bus

The Guardian

4 hours ago

It's been 25 days since the last Premier League season ended. Hands up who's missing it already? Anyone?! Ah. It was admittedly a long old slog of a campaign, with most of the drama resolved before the clocks went forward. Also, we haven't really had a chance to miss the top flight's biggest teams. If they're not hiring and firing managers or splashing out on new players, they're launching new kits or sweltering away at Copa Gianni. Still, the day that the giant super-computer at Premier League HQ (GSCAPLHQ) spits out reams of matchday fixtures is one to cherish, especially for the promoted sides.
Second-tier champions Leeds begin at home to Everton, while playoff drama kings Sunderland host West Ham – matches that fall into the 'might be handy to win this, even if it's literally the first game of the season' category. As for Burnley, they go to Thomas Frank's Tottenham in a fixture that feels particularly tough to envisage. Scott Parker's transformation of the Clarets was one of last season's most intriguing tales. Having gone down with 78 goals (2.05 per game) conceded under Vincent Kompany (who was rewarded with the Bayern Munich job) they turned to Parker, a manager not widely regarded as a catenaccio master. The Clarets were instantly transformed into one of Europe's best defensive sides, letting in 16 goals in 46 games (0.35 per game). Even as you survey the growing chasm of resources and opportunity between England's top two divisions, those are some spicy numbers.
Will Parker, beloved by Burnley and last seen rocking a retro top at the club's end-of-season parade, maintain that level of parsimony in the Premier League? The departure of centre-back CJ Egan-Riley to Marseille hasn't helped, and now Burnley have been dealt a rough hand by the GSCAPLHQ – which we're reliably informed looks like the short-lived 80s TV machine Bertha, and is definitely not just a regular laptop from which the fixtures are emailed out. After early six-pointers at home to Sunderland and away to Manchester United, Burnley host Liverpool and Nottingham Forest before a visit to Manchester City. Burnley have lost on their last 10 trips to the Etihad, by an aggregate score of 35-3. Oh Scotty! Should we start drying our eyes already?
Burnley fans may bristle at being written off as relegation fodder in mid-June. If, by the time Parker takes his team to Villa Park in October, the Clarets are in the top six with only three goals conceded, we'll gladly eat our words. The Premier League can be unpredictable – this time last year, absolutely nobody dared to suggest that the final table would look like this. Still, some things can still be relied upon. By opening up with Liverpool v Bournemouth at 8pm on a Friday, the first of 270 televised games next season, the suits at PLHQ have maintained their stoic indifference to away fans' travel concerns. Said suits have also warned of 'an increased likelihood of fixtures moving at relatively short notice' if teams are involved in European knockout games. Which, considering nine Premier League teams have qualified for Europe, could lead to absolute chaos. Will Parker still be in post to complain bitterly about fixture congestion in February? We would love to see it.
Join Niall McVeigh at 5pm BST for Copa Gianni updates on Manchester City 5-0 Wydad, while Alex Abnos will be on deck at 8pm for Real Madrid 4-1 Al-Hilal.
We've won a European trophy but it's not enough. It's what we haven't done that's more important. We need to win the league. We want to win the Premier League. We want to win the [Bigger Cup]. We want to win. I have very broad shoulders. Failure is not an option. The desire is to succeed … I told [Ange Postecoglou] that he's always going to be part of our history. Himself and his family are always welcome back. It was a collective decision [to sack him]' – Spurs chief suit Daniel Levy on his new super-high standards and why Bigger Vase isn't big enough.
Being somewhat of a Middlesbrough fan, the news of Salernitana's squad being temporarily thinner than a cheap parmo (yesterday's Football Daily) obviously brought back sad memories of 1996-97, when Middlesbrough's memorable team, already knack-ravaged and with Emerson sneaking off home occasionally for weeks at a time, was hit with a devastating flu bug. With more than 20 first-team players MIA, Bryan Robson decided taking his first-team squad to Blackburn in a minicab wouldn't be a good look. Incredibly the team were deducted three points. A few years ago I got slightly lost in the outskirts of Salerno at the height of summer, trying to accidentally get into an Italian military base (long story) and found myself walking past the impressive concrete ugliness of Salernitana's stadium, sitting like a cubist dog delivery amid blighted car parks, supermarket storage yards and military something-or-others. The area wasn't one to inspire joy or hope to be honest, so of course it reminded me of home. Since that time I've had a soft spot for the team. I also met a local fan who, on hearing my accent while I waited for a bus out of that place, delighted in telling me about Middlesbrough FC, which was bemusing. He didn't speak English and I didn't speak much Italian, which only added to the depth of his analysis. Anyway, I send my best wishes to Salernitana and her fans, especially that brightly positive chap I met at a bus stop outside a hospital in 2022 who looked like he'd discharged himself and impressed me by telling me which league my home team played in, I think' – Andrew Tate (not that one).
Seeing Phil Parkes in a cowboy hat with some ponies (Monday's Memory Lane, full email edition) reminded me of the time he appeared in the football-themed photo story Thunderbolt & Smokey, in the relaunched Eagle comic that came out in the 80s. Phil, then of West Ham, was called upon to offer advice to Colin 'Thunderbolt' Dexter as the star outfield player for his school's under-14s team had to deputise for the usual goalkeeper in an important upcoming match. What struck me about the photos at the time, and also now, upon finding some of the strip online, is that West Ham's training ground looked like the kind of untended paddock that Phil's ponies would appreciate' – Tim Grey.
So much to enjoy in the highlights of Team America v England (yesterday's Memory Lane, full email edition). England rocking a full-on yellow Aertex kit, of the type usually worn by the second XI of a hard pressed comprehensive. The 'not even a bit American' ex-Sheffield United player Stewart Scullion scoring. Ray Clemence's obvious fury at this being allowed to happen. Seeing the complex human being that was Giorgio Chinaglia play (tasty). But best of all, the American who belted the ball hard into Pelé's groin at 2m30s. Pelé, being the best player in the world, with grace and style turned it into the move that made the goal and I can't, from repeated watchings, work out which of the purported Americans it was. Perhaps one of the 1,057 pedants can help me, his epic achievement of punting a ball straight at the crotch of a world icon should not go unrecognised in these pages' – Jon Millard.
Please send your letters to [e-mail]. Today's winner of our letter o' the day competition is … Tim Grey, who gets some Football Weekly merch. We'll be in touch. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, can be viewed here.
29 May: Fifa launches a new disciplinary code 'to fight racism more efficiently and decisively' and to 'create a fair and respectful environment for everyone involved in the sport.'
18 June: 'It is disappointing that it appears there will be no anti-discrimination messaging throughout [Copa Gianni]. We know that the US government is volatile and the need for pragmatism is a factor, but the iteration of consistent and progressive values by Fifa is so important' – Piara Powar, executive director of anti-discrimination group Fare, criticises Fifa for appearing to drop anti-racism messaging, with some claiming it may be connected to the policies of Donald Trump.
The Manchester United Supporters Trust has described the club raising ticket prices to 'eye-watering' levels as a 'kick in the teeth' after it was announced it will cost up to £97 to attend Premier League matches at Old Trafford.
Mikel Arteta is going to need a new Arsenal lieutenant, with his assistant Carlos Cuesta, 29, expected to see himself out of the door marked Do One to take the top job at Parma.
Georgia Stanway says England players are putting their hands in their pockets 'to make sure that our families can get to Switzerland', and praised the effort made by fans to support the team at the Women's Euros given the high costs in the country.
Meanwhile, Alessia Russo says she now avoids social media at major tournaments after previously falling into the 'trap' of reading 'really damaging' comments.
Burnley Women have made a statement of intent with a move to appoint Liverpool WSL title winner Matt Beard.
Sheffield Wednesday face further restrictions on player recruitment over late payments, with a transfer ban having been placed on the Championship club until January 2027.
Wispy dribble-wizard Bernardo Silva is the new Manchester City captain, though he may have the job for just one season, as his contract expires next summer. 'We're not going to forget what happened last season and try to make things right,' he roared, getting into his new role.
Middlesbrough are close to appointing dashing former Luton boss Rob Edwards as their manager and Sheffield United are lining up Rubén Sellés to replace Chris Wilder.
And the Premier League not only has new fixtures, it also has a new matchball … but it's a bit of a monstrosity. Yikes!
If you were hoping for a bit of needle among the global cornucopia of Copa Gianni fixtures, River Plate v Japan's Urawa Red Diamonds might not be the place you expected to find it. That was until the Urawa captain, Marius Høibråten, skipped the traditional pre-game handshakes and instead strutted silently past the entire River team. Høibråten's teammates did conduct the formalities with their bemused opponents, but it was too late to stop the clip going viral, and questions being asked. Is the Norwegian defender a secret Boca fan? Høibråten later explained that it was an honest mistake. 'I forgot to do the handshakes,' he wrote on some social media disgrace or other. 'I was confused and in my zone, and didn't realise we were supposed to do it.' Høibråten added that he went to River's dressing room to apologise when he realised the mix-up. By then, the damage was done, Urawa consigned to a 3-1 defeat as their opponents took his faux pas personally.
Nick Ames gets his chat on with the world's oldest professional footballer who, at 59, does not 'put limits' on himself with a haka-like warm-up, local water and naps.
Trent Alexander-Arnold's Copa Gianni bow with Real Madrid in Miami will surely be the most scrutinised pre-season debut any player has faced, muses Barney Ronay.
Fifa's increased carbon footprint has come under scrutiny with the 2026 Geopolitics World Cup planning to feature more teams and more air miles travelled than ever, reports Ryan Baldi.
Ed Aarons analyses England's biggest threat to reaching the Under-21 Euro knockouts: Germany's 'Big Nick' Woltemade.
Has a striker scored more goals for their country than in club football? The Knowledge knows.
And Barry Glendenning has today's Mill, which has a hint of tearful goodbyes.
Do you have a friend? Good. Do you have a friend who you go to games with? Even better! You see, our pals in the community department would like to hear from you about your matchgoing mates. You can tell your story here.
3 July 1998: Slaven Bilic relaxes before Croatia's World Cup 98 quarter-final against Germany by strumming away on his guitar during some downtime. The cool lead-in worked a treat, with Croatia thrashing Germany 3-0 in Lyon before losing narrowly to the hosts and eventual winners, France, in the semis.