My husband can't kick his secret hosiery fetish… I'm not sure if I should look past his weird kink
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN a pair of laddered tights fell out of my husband's suitcase my heart sank. I knew he'd started up his fetish again.
We've been married for five years, and on the surface we're a happy couple. I'm 34, he's 38 and we're expecting our first child.
Our sex life is fulfilling and varied, and we get along very well. But he has a fetish for buying used tights and stockings.
I knew about his secret habit before we got married.
One weekend I was staying over at his and tried to help him by cleaning and tidying a bit.
As I gathered up laundry in his bedroom, I found his stash. I assumed he was seeing someone else and was set to dump him, but he said he'd bought them online and showed me proof.
There was nothing sexual in his communications with the seller, he'd even chatted to her about me. It was a business deal.
I made him promise to stop, and he agreed.
But the other day he returned tired from a business trip and went straight to bed.
Wanting to help him out, I went to empty his case into the laundry basket and a pair of tatty black stockings fell out.
To put it delicately, they had clearly been worn for several days.
I put them on the kitchen table and left to stay with my parents.
But I don't know what to do. We're so happy, and we have a baby on the way.
Should I look past this weird hobby and focus on the good things? Or is this a step too far?
DEIDRE SAYS: This is a question of boundaries – ask yourself what you are happy to accept in your marriage.
Many people with this fetish become aroused by the feel or smell of these used items, for others the arousal comes from wearing, or asking their partner to wear the clothes.
It's thought these fetishes are rooted in childhood with some linking early sexual awakening with these items, while other experts feel it is simply something you are born with – a little like your sexuality.
A lot of people have fetishes, and those relating to used items of clothing, like underwear and shoes, are common.
It would help you both to talk to a sexual therapist. Contact the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk) which can connect you to a reputable counsellor.
And you should read my support pack, Fetish Worries, which will give you lots more information and advice.
But I must warn you, fetishes like these usually do not go away.
DITCHED BY TEXT AFTER TEN YEARS
DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner of ten years dumped me by text. I still don't know why. I have no closure, and I can't move on.
We were both in our twenties when we met. I was a firefighter and had been called to her block of flats when there was a fire.
It felt like we were destined to meet because I fell for her at first sight.
Within a few weeks I had moved into her house, and we were very happy. Our sex life was incredible, and we never argued.
After a few years things changed. I made friends with a woman at a cycling club and we began to spend time together, training.
My partner knew all about it and it was above board, innocent – the woman was married.
Nothing ever happened and my partner never complained.
A few years later, my partner was diagnosed with anxiety and prescribed medication. That was when the problems started. She became more sociable, and began going out three or four nights a week.
Then she started staying away for weekends.
It was during one of those extended absences that she texted me, late one night. A two-line text said we were over and asked me to move out of her house before she got home.
No explanation, just ten years wiped away like they had meant nothing.
I moved out and didn't hear from her again. I tried calling but she didn't answer. I'm blocked from her social media.
I don't want to stalk or harass her so there's nothing I can do. But the questions haunt me. What did I do wrong?
DEIDRE SAYS: The emotion you are feeling is grief. You're grieving the loss of this relationship, and of the future you'd planned together.
Break-ups can feel like a bereavement when you've been together a long time.
It's doubly difficult to move on when you don't understand what happened. And it seems she is not willing to explain.
So the best thing you can do is accept your relationship is finished and that it's time to prioritise looking after yourself and creating a new life. Read my support pack, Moving On.
When you're ready to date again, my support pack Finding The Love Of Your Life will guide you.
Remember, nothing stays the same for long, whether good or bad.
You will move to a better headspace where you are feeling positive about what is to come.
DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY time we argue, my boyfriend insults me.
We're both 49 and met in a divorce support group.
At first, he seemed funny and kind, unlike my ex. But when we had our first row, he started calling me awful names, like old, fat, ugly and dull.
The next day he was fine so I put it down to anger. But now he does it every time we fall out.
It's humiliating and embarrassing – I'm worried my neighbours can hear.
Having told him it upset me, he promised to stop. But the next time we argued, the put-downs started again. Should I leave?
DEIDRE SAYS: Alarm bells are ringing. This sounds like a very toxic situation.
Some people do lose control of their tongue when they're angry, but even after you explained that it hurt you, he still made no effort to stop.
I think your instincts might be correct: Leaving him could be your best option. He is unlikely to change.
My Abusive Partner? support pack can help you make your decision.
FAMILY FORUM
DEAR DEIDRE: I'M being gradually edged out of family gatherings and I don't know what to do.
I'm a 64-year-old widower, my brother is 65. Being so close in age, we were like twins growing up.
When he married his wife 20 years ago, I was quite happy for him. I didn't particularly take to her because she came across as bossy and domineering.
However, my brother seemed content, so I didn't say anything. Over the years, I've begun to see him less and less.
We always used to have big family Christmases. When our parents died, my brother took over hosting duties. I used to love attending, especially after my wife died.
But the past two years, they claimed their house was 'too cramped' and there wasn't room for me.
Now their eldest son is getting married this summer. I've always doted on my nephew, so I was looking forward to attending and staying in the same hotel as everyone else.
But when I asked my brother for details to book my room, he said the hotel was 'full' and that there was only space for me to attend the evening reception, so maybe I'd better not bother.
He sounded rushed and stressed telling me this news. I suspect it's my sister in law's idea, not his.
I don't want to speak up and cause a family feud, so I'm stuck.
DEIDRE SAYS: I understand why this is very hurtful for you. You must feel excluded and snubbed.
It sounds like your sister-in-law is jealous of the closeness you shared with your brother.
Some people – especially those who want to control their partner – can feel threatened by a relative's influence.
They see you as someone who has the power to upset their dominance, so they prefer to keep you at arms' length.
I understand why you don't want to spark a rift, but I'm afraid that means there's little you can do.
I'd concentrate on seeing your brother and nephew separately from your sister-in-law.
If you maintain a strong relationship with them, they might be encouraged to stand up for you themselves, and insist you get invited to events.
CAN'T GET IT UP
DEAR DEIDRE: COULD my difficulty getting an erection be because I masturbated a lot when I was a teenager?
I'm 22 and in a happy, stable relationship with my first ever girlfriend. But every time we try to have sex, I can't get an erection.
She worries it's because I don't fancy her – but I do. She's gorgeous. My body just doesn't seem to work.
I'm managing to satisfy her in other ways but this is frustrating us both. Did I break my equipment?
DEIDRE SAYS: It is almost impossible that your teenage masturbation could in any way 'break' your bits.
Lots of people masturbate frequently – even several times a day - when they're young. It's natural and harmless.
It's more likely anxiety is causing you to freeze down below. My support pack Solving Erection Problems will teach you techniques that will help.
I would also recommend you see a doctor to rule out any physical causes. Some health issues do lead to erection problems, so it would be wise to rule those out.
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