How to be an imperfect parent — it's good for you and the kids

Times

03-05-2025

When my son was born, the parenting conversation was all about keeping babies 'stimulated'. I took him to baby sensory sessions, baby yoga classes and excruciating singalongs in the library. His play mat was covered in literal bells and whistles, and I'd read him books, when all he wanted to do was chew the corner of them.
A decade on, little has changed. My ten-year-old son is about to take his Sats, so he gets an increasing amount of homework from school and attends maths club three times a week. All of this has to fit in around his football club, drumming and piano lessons — activities he enjoys, but which don't allow for much downtime. And this is only his Sats. What are we going to be like when it comes to his GCSEs or A-levels?
I sometimes wonder if packing every spare moment is actually teaching him to grow into a happy and relaxed adult. But when I look at other families, their kids are just as overscheduled. The modern world offers so many opportunities that it's hard to resist filling our children's lives.
'Choosing to make lots of plans is part of a human desire to feel in control,' says the writer and productivity guru Oliver Burkeman. 'You might feel it's your obligation to create a successful future adult, and therefore you must ensure that your child's time is spent in certain ways. But all we're really doing is trying to get a sense of control over things, rather than fully diving into them.'
Burkeman's latest book, Meditations For Mortals, is a guide to accepting our limitations in all areas, and allowing that knowledge to let us relax into what he calls 'imperfectionism'. This can apply to everything from work to health, but clearly it's useful for raising children. Many people now feel too busy to enjoy life, but we can teach our kids not to fall into that trap. After all, often the happiest memories are mundane.
'Again and again, I learn that being really attentive with my son, and curious about what he's interested in, is more valuable than if I'd concocted an awesome plan for the day,' he says, while acknowledging that taking a foot off the parenting pedal may not come easily. 'If we're perfectionist or neurotic, we can find a way to turn a nice idea like allowing more unplanned, spontaneous time with our kids into another thing to berate ourselves over.'
But if we can let ourselves lean into this, then not only will our kids' imaginations flourish but we as parents will be off the hook. So take a deep breath, drop your shoulders and enjoy Burkeman's tips for imperfect parenting.
Accept your limitations
A simple truth that many of us fail to get our heads around is this, he says: 'There isn't enough time in the day to be with your kids, earn money to pay for their food and shelter, allow them free time and allow them structured time. We're constantly struggling to transcend limitations that we would be better off embracing.' It's true for everyone that there isn't enough time, but parenting amplifies it, because you suddenly have even less time and more responsibilities. 'It's unignorable, and that's a good thing,' he says. 'Parents can't pretend that time is infinite.'
Relinquish control
Or, more accurately, accept that you never had control in the first place. Burkeman uses an analogy of superyachts and kayaks. We're all striving to be on a superyacht, cruising in complete control. But life is a kayak, being flung around with no idea what's going to happen next. 'Parents try to exert control out of love, not because they're tyrants,' he says. 'But gripping tighter and tighter onto a sense of control makes those beautiful, spontaneous moments less likely to happen.'
Be a non-anxious presence
Burkeman cites the Christian concept of church leaders being a calm and comforting cornerstone for their congregations as a parenting tool. 'I feel a strong urge to encourage my son to do his homework now, rather than later,' he says. 'But much anxiety in my life has been caused by obsessively thinking I need to get work out of the way before I can relax. So I try to be a non-anxious presence while balancing the idea that it's good to get homework done on time, while also not waiting for all obligations to be fulfilled before doing anything fun.' In a world where your inbox never ends, the ability to enjoy life despite having things to do is a vital skill.
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Don't let the future be an enemy of the present
If you're always thinking ahead, such as what your child's exam results might mean for their future prospects, then you're not thinking about them as kids, in this moment, right now. 'A child's purpose is to be a child,' says Burkeman. 'Overinvesting in the future is easy to fall into. It can feel like your obligation. The trick is to see that not only is it usually more valuable to focus on the present but also, if you can let yourself do it, it's easier.'
Allow your kids to be bored
The modern world provides many distractions. 'But coping with boredom is a useful skill, and it's when you enter most fully into the experience of life,' says Burkeman. 'When my son gets bored, that is when he will start making something or reading something new, and get most absorbed by it. It's not on you to control your child's experience as it unfolds in every moment.'
But scheduled plans can be important
Burkeman isn't suggesting you tear up your calendar. 'It's often how kids get to hang out with other kids, and engage in fun and meaningful activities,' he says. 'And if you've got three days of a school holiday and you're the solo parent, then you need a plan.' Just try not to make it too rigid. 'Allow that plan to be a container for those moments of spontaneous, unplanned attention.'
Don't stress about screen time
There are so many opinions about kids and devices, and conflicting new advice comes out all the time. The answer (not the perfect answer, but really the only answer) is to trust your instincts. Burkeman says the most effective thing you can do is be intentional about your own screen time: so try not to have an eye on your phone while talking to your child. 'The annoying truth is that you have to model the behaviour you wish to inculcate in your children,' he laughs. 'That's how human influence works. It's no good trying to control our children's devices if we're not setting that example.' On the plus side, it could help you set healthier boundaries around your phone and, for your kids, demonstrating what's appropriate is half the battle.
Now relax: you're doing great
'People often think there is a way to get it exactly right, and they can't rest until they discover it,' says Burkeman. 'I hope the spirit of what I call 'imperfectionism' shows that muddling through is not only all we can do, it's actually the right thing to do. The skill of muddling through is a skill for life. The best thing for your kids is often also the thing that involves cutting yourself some slack.'
Of course, telling yourself to relax is very different from actually relaxing, but I'm trying.
Since talking to Burkeman, I have resisted jumping in to fill every spare moment of my son's time, and I have been impressed with the results. One Sunday afternoon, after an expected amount of whining about being bored, he became extremely involved in an elaborate game of 'spies' with his eight-year-old sister.
And, when it comes to schoolwork, the challenge is in striking a balance between ensuring he works appropriately hard, while helping him avoid the trap of anxiety and perfectionism into which so many of us fall. Recently, he forgot one of his homework sheets and, rather than berating him, I took a breath and said: 'It's not the end of the world, your teacher will probably be happy to have one less sheet of marking.' The smile of relief that spread across his face made me realise how much happier the child of an imperfect parent can be.
Meditations for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman (Vintage £10.99). To order a copy go to timesbookshop.co.uk. Free UK standard P&P on orders over £25. Special discount available for Times+ members.