Dear Dáithí: My brother died in an accident and I'm not coping with the loss
He was full of life, kind, so funny, and had so much ahead of him. I still can't believe he's gone. Some mornings, I wake up and forget for a second. Then it hits me all over again.
My parents are obviously heartbroken. We're all just trying to survive the day-to-day but it feels like there's no room for my grief.
I'm the eldest, so I'm trying to be strong for them, minding my younger sister, sorting out practical stuff. But, inside, I feel broken.
I cry in the car or the shower, anywhere I won't be seen. I don't want to add to the weight of sadness at home.
I don't know how to do this. How do you grieve someone who was so young and taken so suddenly? My friends are kind but they don't know what to say.
I don't even know what I need. I just know I'm not coping and I'm scared I never will.
Is this normal? Will it always feel this hard?
This is a real tough one and, in one sense, I'm not sure if there is anything I can say that will make this any easier for you, other than I know what it's like to lose a family member.
My sister Deirdre passed away suddenly at the age of 34 and, very like your brother, she was full of life, kind, and so funny and, like you and your family, we too were all very close.
To lose someone at any age for any reason is the hardest thing that anyone will face in life, especially when you never get to say goodbye.
Your brother was only 22, a child, that's what he was, with his whole life ahead of him.
I'm going to tell you something now and, if the same was told to me in 2002 when my sister died, I wouldn't have believed it, and you might think the same way now. It does get easier, and you will get through this.
It's been only eight months for you, and it is very hard for you to turn the page when you know your brother is not in the next chapter but you must be strong too.
At the moment, you are being strong for everyone else, and this is a great thing. And even though you think you are not dealing with things, you are.
You are showing how strong you really are without knowing it yourself. I think this is one way that you are dealing with this grief but that is only part of the grief, and the broken feeling you have inside is another part, and you must deal with that too.
You cry in the car and in the shower — again, this is normal and good for you, and, by the way, we've all done it. It's a release; it means that you're not keeping these emotions inside, you are getting them out of the system — again, all very normal.
There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Sometimes they don't come in that order and other times you don't go through all of them.
I know you're very saddened by this and, if you feel like you're falling into a deeper depression, you should speak to a professional.
It's important to be clear about grief and that there is room for everyone's grief in every situation.
I know it's very tough on your parents and sister but your grief is just as important and needs to be dealt with. You should talk to them about how all of this is making you feel.
You might not think it but your parents are worried about how you're dealing with this, even though it hasn't been said to you.
If your parents know that you are coping with this — and you are, again, I'm not sure you know you are but you are — this will lighten their burden, so it's important that they know it.
You say you don't know how to do this. Well, it's obvious to me that you are doing it, you are in the middle of it, the process has begun, and because you are minding others, you didn't even notice.
You have good friends, and they don't know what to say. Really, there is nothing they can say but just be there for you, and that's what they are doing.
Just like chatting to your parents about this, you should chat to them too; they are worried about you, and they will be there again for you by listening.
You are also worried that you're not coping. Well, the truth is that you are but you have just been blinded so much by this that you can't see it. But you still have a bit to go on this road, and that's where I think this feeling of uncertainty is coming from.
Believe me, you are doing great. I know people who can't even get out of bed because of this type of loss.
You have two very important questions towards the end of your letter.
How do you grieve someone who was so young? By celebrating their life, if you ask me, and by never letting their memory die or fade. They might be gone but part of them will always live on through their family, and I know that from experience.
Will it always be this hard? No, is my answer. I certainly know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and, for that split second, you think it was a dream until the stone of reality hits the bottom of your stomach and it's no longer a dream but a nightmare.
That stone will drop lighter with time and, with that same time, all the bad and empty thoughts you have now will be replaced with happy and fond memories you have of him — but it takes time.
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