To give children what they need, parents shouldn't neglect their own

GMA Network

25-07-2025

Not all kids are okay.
In 2019, mental disorders were the third leading cause of poor health among young Filipinos aged five to 14. That's according to a 2022 study commissioned by UNICEF and undertaken by the Research Institute for Mindanao Culture, Xavier University-Ateneo de Cagayan and the Burnet Institute in Australia. And they are particularly affected by anxiety disorder and conduct disorder.
Anxiety disorder, says the World Health Organization, can interfere with a child's daily life as he or she 'often experience[s] fear and worry that is both intense and excessive… accompanied by physical tension and other behavioral and cognitive symptoms' like heart palpitations, sweating, trembling, or shaking; and nausea or abdominal distress.
Meanwhile, conduct disorder can have a child exhibiting 'antisocial behavior,' with the child disregarding 'basic social standards and rules' and skipping school or running away, stealing, or physically harming animals or other people, according to Johns Hopkins Medicine.
Between 2013 and 2021, more 15- to 24-year-old Filipinos also experienced depressive symptoms like loneliness and restless sleep. Those beleaguered by the former rose from 7% to 12%, and those affected by the latter went up from 9%t o 14%, according to the 2021 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Study conducted by the University of the Philippines Population Institute with support from the Department of Health.
Meanwhile, the World Health Organization's Global School-based Student Health Survey in 2024 showed that 27% of Filipino students aged 13 to 17 years old had attempted suicide in the year before the survey, while 21% had seriously considered it.*
Striving for connection and control
Psychologist Raphael Inocencio works with both parents and children at Better Steps Psychology, and he says his practice reflects many of these findings.
Many young adults, he says, feel lonely and isolated despite our interconnected world. Depression and anxiety are also on the rise, and having to be constantly 'on' or accessible because of social media is problematic, too. Add to that the pressure social media puts on young adults, seeing what is going on in other people's lives.
He thinks bullying and its impacts on the youth are a big issue, which is backed up by the Global School-based Student Health Survey. It says 30% of students were bullied on school property within a year before the survey, and 22% were cyberbullied in the same period.
Over the past decade, psychologist Rizason Go Tian Ng of the Ateneo Bulatao Center has seen young Filipinos become addicted to online gaming, which allows them to escape into a world where they are able to be in control.
While they are able to connect to gamers across the world, it prevents them from connecting to others in person, unable to learn to be social and pick up cues from face-to-face interactions. Instead, they are well-versed in trash-talking online, and feel awkward and introverted when having to deal with the outside world.
Kathy Nothstine of the Challenge Works program of UK's innovation foundation Nesta agrees. "There's been an observed rise in cases of isolation, with children and young people spending more time online than in real life, than interacting with their local communities, or with their neighbors," she tells GMA News Online.
'A well parent is a better parent'
The Global School-based Student Health Survey also had 54% of students reporting that their parents or guardians never or rarely understood their problems and worries, while 49% said their parents or guardians never or rarely really knew what they were doing with their free time.
But it is precisely what UNICEF calls 'nurturing, responsive care' from parents that is a 'powerful determinant of mental health and well-being.'
So is healthy attachment or the emotional relationship between parent and child, which gives the child 'a sense of safety and protection, and fosters the development of social and emotional skills.'
According to UNICEF, the mental health of parents 'impacts on their capacity to provide responsive care and healthy attachment.'
Says Inocencio, parents are the biggest factor in children's lives up to the end of their primary schooling years..
'Sometimes we discount how much our kids perceive from us. Sometimes we might think that they don't understand [what's going on] but actually they can see if we're not okay,' he says. 'So parents have to take care of themselves [too] and make that part of their consciousness when they're trying to take care [of] and making sure their kids are well.'
For her part, Go Tian Ng cites the saying, 'You cannot give from an empty vessel.'
'If you're always sacrificing, if you're always giving, and you're not taking care of yourself, ubos na ubos ka na — by the time you meet your children at the end of the day, you become tired, you become so burnt out, you feel empty already. Anong consequence? You start to harbor resentment," she warns.
She gives an example: "'Yung bang sa pananalita ng mga magulang na, 'Alam mo ba anong ginawa ko para sa 'yo? Alam mo ba na pagod na pagod na ako? Alam mo ba na hindi pa ako nakakain?' And then the mother will give a litany of what she had to sacrifice. Utang na loob pa ng anak para sa magulang 'yung what the mother or what the father has lost.'
('If you're always sacrificing, if you're always giving, and you're not taking care of yourself, you are completely depleted. By the time you meet your children at the end of the day, you become tired, you become so burnt out, you feel empty already. So what's the consequence? You start to harbor resentment. Words from parents like, 'Do you even know what I did for you? Do you know that I'm exhausted already? Do you know that I haven't even eaten yet?' And then the mother will give a litany of what she had to sacrifice, and it's as if the child is indebted to the parent because of what the mother or what the father has lost.')
Such words can be particularly harmful to young children who might not yet understand metaphors.
'So 'pag sinabi ng magulang na 'Ubos na ubos na ako,' a very young child will make it his burden na kasalanan niya kung kaya si Mama pagod na pagod. So 'yung kasalanan niya can translate to 'I must have been a bad child.' Then that becomes a belief of the child that malikot siya, bad child siya. It can go both ways. A child can strive to be a better person when he grows up para 'Tutulungan ko si Mama,' or the child can think, 'Anyway, masama naman ako eh. So bakit pa ako magpapaka-mabait na bata?''
('If a parent says 'I'm so drained,' a very young child will make it his burden that it's his fault that Mommy is very tired. So his fault can translate to 'I must have been a bad child.' Then that becomes a belief of the child that he is disruptive, a bad child… and it can go both ways. A child can strive to be a better person when he grows up so that 'I will help Mommy,' or 'I'm a bad kid anyway, so why should I strive to become a good child?')
Hearing such words often leads to them acting out, especially if they don't have other adults around them who can explain to them what their parents mean—and that it's not actually their fault that their parents are tired.
'And when they go to school or when they're playing with their classmates, it gets displaced…. They can bully. They can project it to other people…. They can start to become more anxious because [they don't want to disturb the] system. So they turn inwards. They become more anxious. And that anxiety, when not addressed, can evolve into depression,' says Go Tian Ng.
Self-care is not selfish
Nothstine explains, "When people first become parents, their brains actually rewire. They go through a kind of transformation, similar to what happens during adolescence."
She adds, that while parenthood is a wonderful and exciting time, "it can also be a time when mental health issues arise, when there's sleep deprivation, or maybe a sort of financial hardship and uncertainty occur. There are changes in lifestyle patterns, changes in work and the new need to access childcare."
This is why it's important for parents to be conscious of themselves, their bodies, their thoughts, and their emotions, Go Tian Ng explains.
Are they sleeping enough? Are they spending enough time with their own parents, siblings, or friends? Are they making time to relax and enjoy their own hobbies? Are they able to pursue knowledge, whether something as simple as learning a new recipe? They have to take care of their needs to promote their own wellness and to achieve their own balance.
'Self-care is not selfish,' Go Tian Ng stresses. '[Hindi] kailangan na nakikita kang pagod at pinapawisan… para sabihin [na] magaling [ka] na magulang.'
('They don't have to see your blood, sweat, and tears to say that you're a good parent.')
For Inocencio, many people, when they become parents, start to believe that this is the only persona they have, adding unnecessary pressure. But it is crucial to remember being a parent is only one of many roles that they play. They're also a spouse, a child, a friend, and an employee, among others.
This reminds them to consider whether they have addressed the other aspects of who they are.
In addition, those who are able to co-parent (because single parents have their own challenges) should recognize that they have all the resources they can take advantage of between the two of them, says Inocencio. (''Yung saluhan nila sa isa't isa.') This means it is also important for each parent to check in on the other often.
Presence is the best gift
As parents become mindful of their own well-being, they can then focus on one vital thing that their children need from them: their presence.
'You can spend time with them but you're not present,' says Inocencio. 'Presence is about spending time, but also being engaged in them and attuned to what they're saying…. It has to be felt by the person we are being present for.'
Of course, self-care isn't always easy. Tending to your own needs can feel opposed to what we've been told a parent is supposed to be. Don't worry if you slip up.
'Marami ring parents who think na, 'If I get this one thing wrong, it's over,'' Inocencio says, referring to how parents seek parenting information through books and other resources, then beat themselves up once they aren't able to follow it to the letter.
('There are also many parents who think, 'If I get this one thing wrong, it's over.'')
'No. It's [just] a constant thing that we have to approach,' he says of parenting and the adjustments one makes depending on the factors that surround yourself, your children, and your family.
Supporting Parents
It's tough being a parent. "I think parents struggle, 'am I being too strict? Am I not being strict enough? What's the right way to teach my children? To raise them to be good people?' But also to be kind and loving and attached and attentive," Nothstine said.
And the loneliness and isolation that children feel? She says it's true for parents too, especially in places where there is lack of support.
This is why Challenge Works launched the Good Start Challenge, in nine countries including the Philippines. It aims to supports innovations that advance the well-being of parents and caregivers of young children in underserved communities.
Already ongoing, the "€2.6 million global challenge to advance innovative solutions" will continue to receive entries until September 17, 2025 from Indonesia, Mexico, Brazil, Colombia, Kenya, Senegal, Uganda, and Ethiopia as well.
Says Nothstine, they chose to include the Philippines because "there is a high opportunity for impact here."
"We know there are a number of communities here dealing with quite a bit of pressure in terms of mental well-being and support, especially communities that are most at risk of repeated natural disasters, that are dependent on the agricultural and fishing industries and the kind of pressures that mount and personally affects women and girls," Nothstine said.
"I think parents feel kind of conflicted and sort of pulled off into all different directions, just feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all," Nothstine continued, lamenting how not a lot of people realize how much parents affect societies and communities.
"There are so many programs that address child development and early childhood, but parents often get a bit overlooked," Nosthine said, pointing out "If parents are well, then children thrive, and that creates more equitable and inclusive and prosperous societies." — LA, GMA Integrated News