Why so many people tell Dr. John Delony (and his millions of listeners) their deep, dark secrets
Electric guitar swells in the background as a podcaster in a black shirt over his tattoos turns to speak directly to the camera.
'I want you to write 10 things that you would love for your spouse or partner to do,' he says. 'Here is a roadmap to my chest, to my heart. Then ask them, 'Will you give me yours?''
This podcaster's name is Dr. John Delony, and he hosts a show on conservative financial guru Dave Ramsey's network, Ramsey Solutions. It's where he talks about mental health and gives advice to listeners who call in with problems that include repairing a marriage after infidelity, reconciling two sisters' opposing stances on abortion –– and sometimes wilder topics, such as if a caller should leave their family for their best friend's wife.
Many times, callers begin their stories with, 'I've never told anyone this before.'
With 1.2 million subscribers on YouTube, 1.5 million followers on Instagram and three books, Delony's approach to talking about vulnerable things appears to be resonating with many people.
His callers represent a wide variety of people –– men, women, conservative Christians, truck drivers, veterans, police officers and farmers –– many of whom often heavily feel the stigma of struggling with mental health, being vulnerable and asking for help.
Part of why he works is that Delony doesn't fit the mental health counselor stereotype of someone in soft tones asking 'how does that make you feel,' which is just a stereotype, said David Kessler, a death and grieving expert, author and one-time guest on Delony's show.
Delony has a balance of presenting like the credentialed mental health professional he is and the good buddy who just wants to hear you out and offer a little guidance, Kessler added, which is what a lot of people are looking for.
Health officials have said the United States is facing a mental health crisis, and in 2023, nearly 1 in 4 adults around the world reported feeling fairly or very lonely.
Podcasts are not a replacement for therapy with a trained professional, and listeners should be aware that content around mental health can often be oversimplified, said Dr. Frank Sileo, a psychologist based in Ridgewood, New Jersey.
But platforms like Delony's can provide benefit, he added.
'Listening to a podcast may be the first important step of a person's mental health journey,' Sileo added. 'Podcasts that focus on mental health issues can provide a wonderful forum for people to learn about all things mental health.'
Delony's combination of a traditionally masculine appearance and open approach — along with his doctorate in counselor education and supervision –– might be one step toward connecting people in need with the tools and resources for better well-being.
In a backstage Q&A at Atlanta's Fox Theater for Delony and Ramsey's 'Money and Relationships' tour, the two men gave a teasing smile to an audience member who introduced herself as Rachel from California before asking a question.
'Oh yes, we know you, Rachel,' they said in mock annoyance, like old friends.
Rachel Guerrero traveled from California for 10 shows this tour, and she is going to the next shows in Fort Worth, Texas; Kansas City, Missouri; and Phoenix, she said.
'Being a single mom, it's not easy,' Guerrero told CNN. 'When I listen to his show and what he talks about, it's a caller that's something totally different, but it applies to me.'
How can she afford all those trips, you ask? She credits Dave Ramsey's advice with her financial success.
Her feeling was common among audience members. They said they could trust Delony because he was connected to Ramsey and his Christian-based teaching. But they also say he knows what he was talking about because he had been through it himself, and that he just says it like it is.
Accruing this following wasn't the goal, Delony said. In fact, he had no social media accounts when he made the switch from higher education to podcasting.
Before joining Ramsey's company in 2020, he was giving a talk to parents of incoming students as Belmont University's dean of students about what they were about to face emotionally. A Ramsey Solutions executive was in the audience, and she later told Delony that she turned to her husband in the middle of the talk and said, 'I'm hiring that guy.'
Becoming a public mental health personality wasn't appealing –– it was scary, actually –– but surrounded by a culture filled with yelling and turmoil, Delony said he felt motivated to take the job for his kids.
'This is the scariest thing I can do, but I want to be able to look at my kids and say, 'I tried to love people well, to give a picture of what loving people well in the public sphere looks like in the world that everyone's yelling at each other,'' he said.
Meeting people where they are and sitting with them when they are hurting is both something fans like about Delony and something he said he prioritizes in his show.
Delony works for Ramsey Solutions, hosting his own podcast and cohosting 'The Ramsey Show' radio program. Ramsey is a well-known evangelical Christian who has described himself as conservative and spoke in a podcast episode last year about voting for Donald Trump for president.
But Delony, who has also talked about his identity as a Christian, has been less direct about where he stands politically.
'I guess the best way you could sum me up is the first time I went deer hunting, I had to put a gigantic buck in the back of my Prius,' he said. 'I kind of fall all over the place, and I think I've been kind of hard to nail down politically.'
'I just love everybody, and everybody's welcome at my house,' Delony added. 'It's always been that way.'
Prioritizing empathy for people who are hurting over where you stand on a particular issue is important, he said. It's easy to demonize people with a political different stance in theory, but it is a lot harder to do that and show up for your friend or loved one when they are impacted by an issue you feel so against, Delony said.
And as much as Delony might have intended his show to be a place to nerd out over psychology and data, he said he has found that what most people need is someone to sit with them. No matter what side they stand on or what mess they have gotten into, he wants to be the person others know will sit with them over a tray of nachos and just talk it out, he added.
'Even if they don't like me, they're like, 'I know that guy will share a drink with me, and he'll tell me the truth,'' Delony said.
Humans are built to live in a tribe, and when you don't have strong connections in your community, you can default to finding belonging in a political party, he said.
'I work really hard to have other tribes so that I'm not reliant on somebody telling me who to hate, who to not like,' he said. 'I've got communities that let my heart rest so then I can critically think, and I can examine, and I can sit around and share a table with people who I think have wacky opinions.
'But I love them, and they're hilarious, and they make me laugh, or they frustrate me, but them not being in my tribe isn't the goal of that communication.'
Connecting with people is something that has roots in Delony's childhood in Texas.
His father was a homicide detective in Houston, and someone who people in their church community would often go to for guidance, he said. Delony's dad would get phone calls at all hours of the night. He would take those calls inside his closet –– which shared a wall with young Delony's bedroom.
Delony said he would fall asleep listening in on stories of people facing mental health issues or jail time, realizing that some of the people he went to church with every week were struggling with things he never would have suspected.
'(Mental health has) just kind of been my whole life, from being a little kid all the way till now,' he said.
In college, Delony majored in psychology and humanities, got a master's degree in higher education administration and then earned two doctorates, one in counselor education and supervision and another in higher education administration.
Much of his career has been in higher education, where he oversaw student services like residence life and counseling support services. His work in higher education also included crisis response.
But his connection with mental health also comes from his experience with his own, he said.
In his book, 'Own Your Past, Change Your Future: A Not-So-Complicated Approach to Relationships, Mental Health & Wellness,' Delony explains a moment his anxiety reached a boiling point.
With a new baby, a country recovering from the 2008 financial crisis and a job helping college students in some of their most difficult moments, Delony writes that he became convinced that the foundation of his new house was crumbling. His wife didn't see it, nor did his friends –– even the professionals he called to come check it out said he didn't have a problem.
But still, Delony couldn't let go of the fear that a storm would crack the foundation and destroy his young family's home, he wrote. So, one night he found himself in the middle of the night crawling through the mud and rain with a flashlight, certain he would find evidence of the structural problem no one but him was worried about.
There was nothing. His home was fine, but Delony realized he was not, and he said that was one of the big moments that showed him he needed to address his anxiety.
Another story he often shares with listeners is the moment when he and his wife sat across the table from one another after years together, several miscarriages and two children, and they agreed they either needed to start their marriage over or stop being married.
They were faced with a choice — end a marriage or learn some new tools for managing their relationship and building their connection, he said.
Delony and his wife, Sheila, did learn new relationship skills and are still together after more than 20 years of marriage. That meant him getting into therapy, and both of them learning how to be explicit about what they each needed and expected from one another, he said.
But many people find themselves sitting at their own tables across from their partners or looking in the mirror and finding that they aren't getting enough connection with their friends and family.
It makes sense, Delony said. Much of the interaction and community building you would get in the past has now been outsourced: People call a rideshare service instead of asking for a ride home from the airport and you use a delivery app for the cup of sugar you would have otherwise borrowed from a neighbor, he said.
The change has been particularly hard on men, who often have been socialized against vulnerability and toward only connecting with others in very specific ways.
'I'll just use the old adage that women build community kneecap to kneecap, and men build it shoulder to shoulder,' he said.
For decades, many men in Western cultures have been taught that vulnerability –– saying here is what I need or here is what I am struggling with –– was dangerous; so relationships for many men were built through shared activity, Delony said.
Opening up for more connection in a world where many of those activities have been replaced by apps and screens might take intentional effort, he added.
Delony had a group of friends that maintained a tradition: Once a month, they chose one friend, gathered at his house and tackled his to-do list together.
'In one day, they would clean the carpets, change the front bumper, level the yard, paint the fence, whatever you needed done,' he said. 'Everybody ate pizza. … Everybody was working shoulder to shoulder on a project that when you got done, you came out your front yard and everybody high-fived, because this house and this family is different, because we all showed up.'
Now, after moving from Texas to Tennessee, he keeps putting himself out there for opportunities to get closer.
'I have some rules that when I buy a concert ticket, I have to buy two, or I'll buy four, and I just invite people,' he said. 'I have these little internal rules that I know at the end of a night I'm going to be better, or the night will have been better because I went with a buddy.'
And as people seem to get lonelier and more polarized, Delony said he hopes people like him will keep modeling how to be vulnerable, how to build new relationship skills when you have to and how to sit with all kinds of hurting people.
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