Latest news with #selfhelp
Forbes
a day ago
- General
- Forbes
3 Ways To Recognize Your Own Red Flags, By A Psychologist
The phrase 'red flags' has gained immense traction as a buzzword — a shorthand for warning signs or potentially harmful behaviors in a person that turns up on our radar. It's possible that you already know or have a list of red flags to watch out for in others. While this awareness is necessary to know what you want and what you simply will not accept from people, the problem arises when you're only pointing fingers at the other person without reflecting on your own behavior. The point is not to become your biggest critic, start self-loathing or feel guilty. However, recognizing what your red flags are is a vital step toward being accountable for what you bring to the table. The effort also must be to understand your repeating patterns and the ways you might be unintentionally hurting others. This kind of reflection requires honesty and vulnerability along with a willingness to face certain uncomfortable truths about yourself. This discomfort is a part of the process, which ultimately leads to deeper self-growth. Here are three ways to start doing the inner work by recognizing your red flags. Conflicts can often reveal parts of you that feel unsafe and where your red flags may show up the loudest. Disagreements naturally threaten your sense of safety, acceptance or control. A tense situation with someone you love and care about has the potential to bring unresolved emotions to the surface. Conflicts often bring up deeper emotional wounds and unconscious defense mechanisms like shutting down, lashing out or deflecting. You may not even be aware of them or how they might be affecting the other person and your relationship with them. In research published in The Spanish Journal of Psychology in 2021, 405 young Spanish couples were examined to see how their attachment styles (anxious, avoidant or secure) influenced the way they handled conflict in their romantic relationships. Researchers found that: So, observing your patterns in terms of handling conflict is necessary to be mindful of their impact. This helps you understand deeper emotional patterns that may be impacting the quality of your relationships. The more awareness you gain, the more you can learn to respond in ways that build connection rather than break it. The ability to apologize genuinely without defensiveness is a sign of emotional maturity. It is possible that your apologies may be shaped more by seeking relief and less by repair. While that's understandable and can naturally happen to most people without realization, it becomes important to pause and reflect on where your apology is coming from. A 2022 study explored two major aspects of apology. Firstly, researchers focused on understanding what makes someone more likely to give a sincere and high-quality apology after hurting someone. Secondly, they looked at why others might avoid apologizing altogether. This was studied through two online vignette experiments. Researchers looked at two types of humility. Researchers found that people with more general humility gave better-quality apologies and were less likely to avoid fixing the issue across all types of conflict. People with intellectual humility only gave better apologies in situations specifically involving disagreements or intellectual issues. People who made more empathic effort (trying to understand how the other person feels) and were less focused on protecting their ego were more likely to apologize well. This study highlights that the quality of your apology is deeply tied to internal traits, such as your capacity for humility, empathy and tolerance of being wrong. Reflecting on your apology pattern is about understanding deeper emotional habits, unresolved fears and relational red flags that may be at play. Your 'apology language' reflects how you handle vulnerability and responsibility in close relationships, both of which are foundational in building healthier connections. Bringing more awareness to your ways of apologizing helps you rework the way you relate and connect with people and enhances the quality of your relationships in the long run. Boundary setting essentially plays a key role in sustaining healthy and emotionally safe relationships. Whether it's setting your own or respecting another person's, what determines the health of a relationship is not just the boundary, but the way both people respond to it. Often, if you struggle to recognize and assert your boundaries, you may also have difficulty recognizing or respecting those of others. This lack of awareness can lead you to unknowingly indulge in potentially harmful behaviors that might threaten the trust and emotional safety within the relationship. A 2024 study published in Personality and Environmental Issues sought to systematize existing psychological knowledge on how personal boundaries impact mental and relational health. The study specifically goes in depth on how boundaries are defined, exploring the different types as well as their essential functions in regulating interpersonal space. Instead of defining boundaries as just rules or preferences, they were instead defined as an internal and external psychological space that helps us differentiate ourselves from others. This space includes not just physical proximity but also emotional, mental and even spiritual aspects: Each of these serves a different but equally important function in preserving any individual's psychological autonomy and relational balance. By diving into these different types, the study highlights how boundaries operate like a personal compass. Basically, they help you determine what to let in and what to keep out. Boundary functioning connects back to your early experiences, as explained in the study. Secure and consistent caregiving helps build a foundation for healthy boundary setting. On the other hand, inconsistent and neglectful environments may leave a person either overly rigid or with extremely weak boundaries, both of which are damaging to the well-being of the individual and their relationships. The researchers highlight the importance of assertiveness as a regulating force in the case of boundary setting. Simply put, assertiveness helps you advocate for yourself while also remaining open to connection. This is a trait that people who struggle with boundaries often lack. So, if you happen to recognize a negative reaction when a boundary is set (feeling rejected, trying to control the other person or withdrawing), it could reveal your underlying boundary issues or emotional vulnerabilities. While boundary difficulties may feel hard to unlearn, it's important to remember they often stem from patterns outside your control and are not your fault. But they are worth reflecting on. This is beneficial not just for your well-being but also communicates respect and care for those you love. Ultimately, focusing on them helps you maintain your peace and cultivate a healthier environment for relationships. As you make a conscious decision to recognize your red flags, you set out on a journey to better yourself. It's a way of honoring and showing up for yourself to grow beyond what's been holding you back. In its entirety, it's a powerful act of self-respect. Choosing to pause and reflect on your unconscious patterns is a way of taking your power back from the unconscious, sometimes unhealthy, script that runs the show from behind the scenes in your relationships. You are choosing to give yourself the chance to relate from a place of awareness, not reactivity. From this mindset, you will connect better with both yourself and others. This is what truly transforms the way you show up — in love, in friendship and most importantly, for yourself. Are you unconsciously engaging in self-defeating behaviors that undermine your relationship? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Sabotage Scale
Forbes
a day ago
- Health
- Forbes
2 Ways You're Abandoning Yourself Without Realizing It, By A Psychologist
Self-abandonment isn't always obvious. More often than not, it shows up in the everyday ways you compromise your needs in the name of keeping the peace. Sometimes, it may feel like simply being 'laid-back' or 'easy to get along with.' You might even pride yourself on how well you adapt to everyone around you. While being adaptable is a strength, there's a difference between flexibility and losing touch with your inner voice. What you might truly be doing is adjusting according to other people's convenience. Sure, this can make people like you, but what does it leave you feeling? You subconsciously deny your own needs and once you start accepting this as your norm, it becomes difficult to recognize where your boundaries lie or even how to set them. Over time, this blurring of boundaries can leave you feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what you truly want or need. It's possible that you even lose sight of what you want and find it hard to stand up for yourself because you haven't given yourself the chance to honestly consider your own needs without constantly weighing them against others' wants. You may indulge in these behaviors innocently, without realizing their impact on your self-esteem. For the sake of your relationship with yourself and to prevent future resentment toward others, they are worth paying attention to. At the end of the day, the way you relate to yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life. Here are two ways you might be abandoning yourself without realizing it. It's important to be there for the people you love and care about. However, it shouldn't come at the cost of your own well-being. Being there for someone else does not mean constantly sidelining your own needs. Sometimes, what looks like care on the outside is actually coming from a place of fear or pressure within. You may have internalized the idea that you're only lovable when you're useful. This distorted belief can have you unconsciously measure your worth based on what you do for others rather than who you are. This pattern can slowly chip away at your self-trust and experience of emotional safety within relationships. That's why it's worth reflecting: 'Am I giving from a place of connection or from a need to be needed?' A 2022 study developed a new scale to measure 'others-centeredness,' the tendency to prioritize others' interests over one's own in a healthy and balanced way. Rather than unmitigated communion, which describes putting others first while sacrificing your happiness and well-being, other-centeredness is based on the philosophical idea that everyone's needs are equally valuable and that interpersonal connections matter deeply. The researchers surveyed participants and found that others-centeredness was uniquely associated with greater well-being, while unmitigated communion and high 'other-focus' were associated with more negative effects on mental health. In other words, people who care for others while also valuing themselves experience better emotional health. The findings suggest that giving without awareness or boundaries can be a form of self-abandonment, even if it does not appear so on the surface. Remember that the why and how behind giving matter. Giving from a place of genuine connection and mutual respect helps enhance well-being. On the other hand, the act of giving in any capacity, driven by fear of rejection or a need to please others, leads to burnout and lowers self-esteem. One way to start bringing awareness to your patterns of overgiving is by interrupting the pattern with a question. Basically, take a deliberate pause before saying yes. Ask yourself, 'Would I still choose this if I believed my worth wasn't tied to being needed?' This small check-in can be a powerful step toward reconnecting with your boundaries and slowly reminding yourself that love doesn't have to be earned through overgiving. You need to constantly remind yourself that you are more than what you give. People who truly care for you will love you even when you're not being helpful, fixing things or showing up with something to offer. In many situations, you might think you're just being 'adjusting,' like saying yes to plans you don't feel like following through with or going along with choices that don't sit right with you, just to keep things smooth in a group. However, as this becomes a habit, without realizing it, you slowly teach yourself to not have any opinions of your own. This can sometimes even leave you feeling indecisive because you don't give yourself the space to think and verbalize your opinions, needs or preferences. Not only does this pattern impact how you relate to yourself, it also changes what other people expect of you. Research published in Basic and Applied Social Psychology explored how people respond when they perceive others as selfish, even if those selfish actions don't affect them. Researchers conducted two experiments. In the first experiment, participants were asked to complete a boring task assigned by someone else. The person who assigned the task gave different explanations: a selfish one, a legitimate reason or an excuse that minimized blame. Half of the participants were told that the other person's decision didn't matter because they would have to do the task regardless. In the second experiment, the timing of this information varied. The participants learned whether the decision was irrelevant either before or after being told who assigned the task. The findings revealed that participants reacted negatively toward the person who gave a selfish explanation no matter if the decision had any real consequences for them or not. This suggests that people are sensitive to perceived selfishness, independent of its practical impact. So, if you're someone who's always been the reliable one or the one who always says yes, when you start choosing yourself and saying no to what feels uncomfortable, it can unsettle the people around you. It's the break from the usual pattern that unsettles people, especially when the reason isn't wrapped in justification or people-pleasing. Without meaning to, you may have taught people around you that your preferences don't really exist. It's not always that they're intentionally ignoring you or your preference or opinion, but if they are more assertive and you keep quiet, over time, your voice slowly fades from the equation. To shift this pattern, start small. You don't need a dramatic confrontation to reclaim your voice. You just need to consistently remind yourself and others that you have one. Small acts of self-expression, like sharing your opinion on where to eat, voicing when something doesn't sit right with you or simply saying, 'I'd rather not,' can be powerful steps that help you learn how to choose yourself. Each time you choose to express your truth, no matter how small, you rebuild trust within yourself. Remember, it's not selfish to respect yourself and pay attention to your needs. In fact, it's deeply necessary. Quite often, what we think of as self-love is more about surface-level care. While that has its place, truly loving yourself runs deeper. It's about choosing yourself in moments when it feels uncomfortable, unfamiliar or even wrong. The simple act of saying no when you want to is a way of loving yourself enough to honor what you feel and stand firmly by it. It's okay if this feels hard for you. For many people, putting others first isn't just a habit, but more about survival. Maybe you learned early on that being easygoing kept the peace around you or that being helpful made you feel safe and valued. These patterns were your way of belonging, staying connected and seeking safety in your relationships. This way of living may have protected you once, but you're allowed to outgrow patterns that no longer keep you safe. The way you treat yourself also teaches the world how to treat you. You're allowed to be someone who not only gives love, but receives it. Are you giving yourself the love that you keep giving others? Take this science-backed test to find out: Self Care Inventory
Forbes
a day ago
- General
- Forbes
Why Experts Advise, ‘Treat Anxiety As Your Best Ally, Not Your Enemy'
Most of us unwittingly fight or resist anxiety because it feels like an enemy, but mental health ... More experts advise that treating anxiety as your friend, instead of your enemy, helps reduce it. You feel your heart pound during a job interview, quarterly review or presentation to colleagues. Butterflies swirl in your stomach before confronting the coworker who talks over you in meetings. And there's that knot in your chest and booming critical voice, lurking over your shoulder, making sure you get it right, as you pitch ideas to your team. While the physical and mental discomfort makes this a hard sell, mental health experts advise that if you start to treat your anxiety as a friend, instead as an enemy, it relaxes. If you're like most people, you consider anxiety to be an enemy infiltrator that invades your mind and body. When it's sternly warning you--through headaches, indigestion, muscle spasms, body aches, clenched teeth or knots in your chest--you fight, ignore or try to stampede over it. These reactions add insult to injury, fueling the anxiety and exhausting you. If you combat, fight or battle anxiety, it implies that anxiety is bad, something to get rid of. If you resist and react to anxiety--your bodyguard, your first responder-- it's like fighting the fire department when your house is on fire. It adds insult to injury, activates the sympathetic nervous system (your fight-or-flight response) and intensifies the emotion. Plus, it's exhausting and doesn't work. Modern-day experts are advising that you befriend versus fight your anxiety. It's counterintuitive, but it's simple physics. Consider someone caught in a riptide. The life saving phrase 'Float Don't fight' was created to help swimmers survive rip currents. Fighting seems like the natural reaction, but it exhausts you and eventually drowns you. Floating parallel to the shore—going with the flow—brings you into dry land. Similarly, kayakers claim the best way to escape if you're trapped in a hydraulic—a turbulent funnel-shaped current—is to relax, and it will spit you out. But the tendency is to fight against the current, and that can keep you stuck, even drown you. A similar course of action is a beginning point to reduce anxiety—going with it, instead of against it or responding instead of reacting to it. Although this is a hard pill to swallow, understanding that it's your friend, not your enemy, is the best medicine to manage and reduce it, and you can respond to it in a few simple steps. 'Why would I befriend something that is ruining my life?" you ask. This is a hard pill to swallow because it's counterintuitive, so the first step is to shift your perspective. It helps to think of your anxiety as a bodyguard or first responder. It has probably saved your life more times than you can count, and you might not even realize it. It's job is to keep you alert and aware, like an upset parent who swats her toddler, when he runs into busy traffic. I spoke with psychotherapist Britt Frank, author of the new book, Align Your Mind. "Anxiety isn't the enemy—it's your internal smoke alarm,' she told me. 'Loud? Yes. But it's trying to keep you alive. We don't need to fight anxiety—that's like taking a jackhammer to your smoke alarm. The alarm isn't the problem—it's a signal pointing toward a problem.' She explains that at its core, anxiety is your brain's way of scanning for threats and preparing you to act. "That heightened awareness, fast-beating heart and mental alertness?' Frank asks. 'Those are signs of a body ready to perform. When harnessed skillfully, anxiety can sharpen your focus, energize your body and give you the edge you need to rise to a challenge. Instead of seeing anxiety as a malfunction, see it as a superpower—one that needs guidance, not rejection.' Accept it as normal, hardwired in you from birth for protection. Frank advises against thinking of anxiety as a disorder but to understand its true nature, which she describes as 'a finely tuned survival mechanism that's been keeping you alive since birth." I also spoke with stress physiologist Dr. Rebecca Heiss, author of the groundbreaking new book SPRINGBOARD: Transform Stress to Work For You. Heiss also calls anxiety your Superpower, challenging conventional wisdom and suggesting that you frame stress and anxiety, not as an enemy, but as a powerful ally. She teaches that everybody is hardwired for anxiety and stress, and the only people who don't have it are dead. Not to mention that anxiety makes us feel alive and thrive. Without anxiety, you wouldn't have as much fun. It gives you that thrill when you watch a suspenseful movie or root for your favorite Superbowl team. It provides excitement when you're on a roller coaster, bungee jumping, taking a safari, going to your first prom, getting married, buying your first house, delivering your firstborn, going through the haunted house at Halloween. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Anxiety has gotten a bum rap. Frank argues that the goal isn't to banish anxiety; it's to turn it into a high performance coach. You don't achieve by banning anxiety; you succeed when you harness it. That's how Simone Biles won Olympic gold, the Kansas City Chiefs the 2025 Superbowl and Meryl Streep snagged her string of Oscars. Without it, you might not be as successful in your career or your intimate and professional relationships could crumble. You would be more susceptible to danger, and your life could fall apart. And one thing's for sure: you wouldn't be alive right now. The next time anxiety comes knocking, remind yourself that its function is to shield you. Then observe the emotion by self-distancing, much like inspecting a blemish on your hand. From a bird's-eye view, notice how it's doing its natural job, protecting you as it comes and goes. Frank suggests that, instead of reacting, that you respond to anxiety like a leader. Listen to it without letting it take the wheel, and when you feel it rising, pause and name it—'Here's my inner smoke alarm.' Once you name it, neuroscience shows that self-talk can help you regulate it. Frank suggests, for example, that you engage in silent conversations with the anxious voice. When you hear it, say to that voice, 'I hear you. I've got this. I'll take it from here' to develop a non-combative relationship with it. If possible, Frank recommends thanking your anxiety for trying to protect you, then take the lead with it. "Shift your mindset from 'How do I get rid of this?' to 'How can I use this energy?' Channel it into small, focused action—a 'Micro Yes' like writing one sentence, stretching or sending an email. This turns anxious energy into momentum. Over time, your brain learns: stress isn't the enemy; it's fuel. And with practice, you become the one steering the car, not the alarm in the passenger seat.'
Daily Mail
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
Ivanka Trump promotes book written by top foe of her father
Ivanka Trump promoted a book on Instagram that was written by an author who has been critical of her father, President Donald Trump. In a post captioned 'This week in Miami,' the first daughter shared photos of her workouts, her food, her family, her friends and a book she is reading: Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Doyle, a popular self-help author, is a massive critic of the president's. She campaigned heavily against him last year. 'If Trump wins, we lose,' Doyle wrote on Instagram a few weeks before the November election, adding 'out daughters will have fewer rights than our mothers.' She used the post to blast Donald Trump's record on women's rights and abortion rights. And, in August, Doyle shared a photo on Instagram at the Democratic National Convention voicing support for Kamala Harris. Doyle's memoir 'Untamed' recounts how she 'learned that a responsible mother is not one who slowly dies for her children, but one who shows them how to fully live.' In the book, the host of the 'We can do hard things' podcast also discusses her coming out as a lesbian. She is married to soccer player Abby Wombach. Publisher Weekly noted of Doyle's memoir: 'This testament to female empowerment and self-love, with an endearing coming-out story at the center.' Ivanka Trump does not share a lot of book recommendations on her popular instagram account, which as 8.3 million followers. DailyMail reached out to Trump's office for comment. Ivanka Trump has distanced herself from politics in her father's second term unlike his first, where she moved to Washington DC and worked as a senior adviser in the White House. Currently, she lives with her husband Jared and three children in Miami. Shortly before Donald Trump was inaugurated for a second term, Ivanka had a candid conversation with The Skinny Confidential podcast, where she said she just wanted be her father's emotional support this time around. 'I'm most looking forward to just being able to show up for him as a daughter and be there for him, to take his mind off things and like watch a movie with him or watch a sports game, to know that he can be with me and be himself, and just relax,' she said. 'It's the world's loneliest position, the enormity of the decisions you're making on a daily basis, how transactional everyone is with you,' she added. 'So it's a very lonely perch.' 'I went through years of craziness,' she said of her first tenure in the White House and noted she couldn't stand the 'darkness' of the political world. 'Unfortunately, the two are not, you know, there is a darkness to that world that I don't really want to welcome into mine,' she said. Author Glennon Doyle is a fierce critic of President Donald Trump Ivanka Trump told podcast hosts Lauryn Bosstick and Michael Bosstick that her experience in the White House was a 'very emotional time.' 'You become a little bit calloused,' she said. 'It's a very dark, negative. And some people love like the gladiator aspect of it,' she noted. 'The fight - that was never me.' 'Oh my gosh, I don't think I saw sunlight for four years,' she said of being an adviser to the president. But she said the main reason she's not returning to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is her children Arabella, Joseph And Theodore. 'The main reason I am not going back to serve now is, I know the cost. And it's a price that I'm not willing to make my kids bear,' she said. 'My primary goals were just to like, be the best freaking mom,' she said. 'Every time I had to miss something, I'm like, I will never let this happen again in the minute I leave the White House.'
The Guardian
2 days ago
- General
- The Guardian
My ex-girlfriend used me for sex. How do I move on from the betrayal?
My last relationship felt like the best sexual relationship I'd ever had. After my marriage ended, exploring intimacy with a new partner with a well-matched libido felt liberating and life-affirming. After a brief split last summer, she reappeared and said she wanted to have sex again but not to resume as a couple. I declined, explaining that intimacy worked for me only in the context of a relationship. She then said she wanted to get back together, so our relationship briefly resumed. Two weeks later she said she wanted out again, leaving me feeling I had been duped and manipulated. The destruction of trust has eroded much of the confidence I had gained. I have found it impossible to consider starting a new relationship. How do I move on from this feeling and untangle the damage? No relationship is perfectly easy and uncomplicated. Most involve periods of uncertainly and confusion. You seem to have a pretty good idea about what you do and don't want, so act on that and take charge of your life. Avoid the pitfalls of viewing yourself as a victim. Remove the things that don't work for you, and never re-enter old problems. Refuse to allow the way you may have been treated in the past to stop you finding better relationships, better sexual experiences. You deserve to be happy; allow yourself to be so. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to (please don't send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
