
Let us not appropriate the grief of the women of Pahalgam
Is there a drone that takes top-angle shots of the emotional pathways of the crowd below? If so, it would have mapped the thick relationships of love and belongingness in the family groups clustered at the Baisaran meadow in Pahalgam at 1.45 pm on April 22. It would have generated digital evidence of the baffling paradox of the Indian middle class: Its soaring optimism among almost daily setbacks.
Honeymooners, mid-life couples on a family holiday, teenagers, pilgrims who took a detour to mini-Switzerland after the religious trek to the Vaishno Devi shrine and elderly people came face to face with the slaughter of 26 men by four or five Pakistan-radicalised terrorists. The 26 who fell to the barbarians' bullets were deeply embedded in their families. The honeymooners, some married for only six days, were just beginning to hum the music that would hold their lives together, but the automatic weapons of the terrorists silenced the song in their heart forever.
Today, 26 families are living with the power of the memory of somebody who is not here and never will be. There's no set time for grieving an unexpected and violent death. Grief swamps you in tidal waves, and then it recedes a bit, loitering like an enemy helicopter, waiting to scoop you into its inky darkness in your loneliest moments. Experts say that an unexpected, violent death sends the mourner into shock, and that it might take weeks, even months, before a mourner can 'feel' again, when the brain begins to function at an intellectual level.
Six weeks into their terrible loss, the 26 families are most likely processing the searing reality of their altered life and beginning to redefine their identity in the absence of their family members. An event of this magnitude is like finding yourself alive after an epic landslide. It is precisely at this time, when the women, brutalised by the Baisaran tragedy, might be returning to 'life', that the country's leaders, politicians, civil society activists and journalists are referring to them as the 'widows of Pahalgam'. By identifying them by this collective label, as the inheritors of loss — to rephrase Kiran Desai — we are sending a coarse message that these women have lost social status, acquired a lifelong stigma, assumed a cloak of vulnerability, and invited public scrutiny, judgement and discrimination for the rest of their lives — the young and old women alike.
BJP MP Ram Chander Jangra has already accused the wives of 'not having the passion, zeal, heart to fight the terrorists to save their husbands. That's why they folded their hands instead of fighting, and letting their husbands become victims of the terrorists' bullets'. He wants to reignite the spirit of bravery of Rani Ahilyabai Holkar. Ironically, this warrior queen as well as the intrepid Rani Jhansi Bai had helmed their armies and attacked their enemies after the deaths of their husbands had wiped off their sindoor.
In our society, where marital status is a significant social marker, labelling the women victims of Pahalgam 'widows' defines them by their loss rather than their potential resilience and ability to rebuild their families. Several of the women survivors who were 'homemakers', invested in familial relationships, traditionally dependent on their husbands for the family's authority, will now face loss of purpose and social role, unmoored from the tight social embrace that held them together as members of a community. They will face a lack of economic buoyancy, and challenges of inheritance rights. Their children will look up to their mother to navigate the trauma of their father's sudden absence, even as their mother's 'widow' status diminishes her agency. The women are still being pressed into a role of mourning and dependency, as befits their sindoor-less status.
As an angry nation, we are being exhorted to focus on the Pahalgam women victim's loss of vermilion in the parting of their hair, the fading of the sindoor that marks the end of their conjugal status. But why have we chosen the loss of sindoor as the symbol of the women's life ahead? Have we questioned the appropriation of the sindoor — the most tender and intimate moment when a groom adorns his bride's hair with a sprinkling of the sindoor, as a mystical covenant between two persons to live together — to be used as a symbol of muscular martial outrage, where patriotism will be inscribed in a hair-parting? 'Operation Veer Bharat' repulsed the enemy, not the vermilion.
Have our societal norms advanced or retreated? Bapsi Sidhwa's Water, set in colonial India, followed an eight-year old 'child widow', Chuyiya, who is banished to an ascetic life of isolation and shaved heads in a widows' ashram, to atone for her sins that brought about her husband's death, but she rebels against this life of guilt and forced deprivation. Mahashweta Devi, Amrita Pritam and several other writers understood the sub-humanness of 'widowhood' and the readers of that time greeted their inspiring stories with thoughtful acceptance.
So why are we promoting regressive thinking by referring to these 26 women, who lost their husbands so cruelly at the hands of Pakistan-trained terrorists, using a vocabulary that reminds them constantly of their sindoor-less status? These women are now gathering the strength to live courageous lives, their bonds of love with their absent husbands tethering them strongly to the tough terrain of the life ahead. These are the precious women of Pahalgam.
The writer is a senior journalist

Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles


NDTV
an hour ago
- NDTV
Considering Shifting Bengaluru Stadium After Stampede: Siddaramaiah
Mysore: Karnataka Chief Minister Siddaramaiah has said the government is seriously considering moving the city's cricket stadium to a new location to prevent such incidents in the future. The stampede, which occurred during celebrations outside M Chinnaswamy Stadium during the Royal Challengers Bengaluru (RCB) Indian Premier League (IPL) victory celebrations, which claimed 11 lives. Speaking to the media, Siddaramaiah expressed deep personal pain over the tragedy and confirmed that the government is contemplating long-term solutions and also said that the government can shift the stadium to a different place. "The government will look into shifting the cricket stadium to another location," he said. "Such an unpleasant incident should not happen under any government. Personally, this incident has hurt me and the government," he added. "Five police officers have been suspended in this case. The intelligence chief and the chief minister's political secretary have been replaced," Siddaramaiah confirmed. "The case has been taken seriously and appropriate action has been taken," he noted. Despite public outrage, the Chief Minister maintained that the government had not acted irresponsibly. "The government has not done anything wrong. This incident is saddening, but no misstep was taken by the administration. Legal action has been taken against those found guilty, so there is no question of embarrassment for the government," he asserted. Siddaramaiah also addressed political criticism, particularly from opposition parties like the BJP and JDS, who have been demanding accountability. "Did the Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh resign when people died during the Kumbh Mela? Did the BJP and JDS demand his resignation then?" he questioned, suggesting a double standard in political reactions.


Indian Express
2 hours ago
- Indian Express
Rs 2,000 crore classroom ‘scam' case: Manish Sisodia says won't appear before ACB today
AAP leader Manish Sisodia, who was summoned for questioning by the Delhi Government's Anti-Corruption Branch (ACB) Monday morning in connection with the alleged corruption to the tune of Rs 2,000 crore in the construction of classrooms in government schools when the party was in power, said he would not be able to do so. ACB officials said Sisodia conveyed through his counsel that he is preoccupied with other programmes, and will not be able to appear before them at 11 am. The Aam Aadmi Party leader's counsel also said he will file a reply via email. The officials said that once he sends his reply, they will see whether a summons will be issued again. The AAP also said in a statement, 'Manish Sisodia will not be going to ACB on Monday due to a pre-scheduled programme. His lawyer has sent a reply on his behalf'. ACB issued summonses to former AAP ministers Manish Sisodia and Satyendar Jain on May 3 in connection with the case. Jain was questioned last Friday for over five hours. On April 30, ACB registered a First Information Report (FIR) against the two AAP leaders in connection with alleged corruption in the construction of 12,748 classrooms or semi-permanent structures during the previous AAP government's tenure. Sisodia held the finance and education portfolios in the AAP government, and Jain was the minister of health, industries, power, home, urban development, and the Public Works Department (PWD). Madhur Verma, Joint Commissioner of Police, who heads the ACB, earlier confirmed the FIR's registration. BJP leaders Kapil Mishra, Harish Khurana, and Neelkant Bakshi filed a complaint in 2019 alleging financial irregularities in the construction of classrooms in Delhi Government schools in three zones. They said the construction cost per room stood at approximately Rs 24.86 lakh, exponentially higher than the roughly Rs 5 lakh it takes for similar constructions in Delhi. The BJP leaders also alleged that the project was awarded to 34 contractors, most of whom were associated with the AAP. According to ACB officials, 12,748 semi-permanent structures were supposed to be built for Rs 1,200 per square feet, but the cost shot up to around Rs 2,292 per sq ft during construction. ACB is probing the cost escalation.


Hindustan Times
2 hours ago
- Hindustan Times
Vijay Mallya shares an India vs US mentality post, and internet users discover a kinky foot fetish link
On June 7, Vijay Mallya shared the link to an Instagram post from Hotmail founder Sabeer Bhatia. People who clicked on the link were stunned to see a pop-up that read, 'Join Indiaflash on Instagram'. Clicking on the 'Indiaflash' link led unsuspecting users to an Instagram page dedicated to 'photos and videos of Indian women driving barefoot'. This series of events has led many to conclude that Vijay Mallya has an anonymous Instagram account dedicated to foot fetish pictures. When you click on an Instagram link that was directly shared by someone – whether through DMs, messaging apps, or other platforms – you may see a pop-up or banner at the top of the post saying it was shared by a specific account (eg, 'Shared by @xyz'). In Mallya's case, he shared a link to Hotmail founder Sabeer Bhatia's Instagram post from his X account. Bhatia's post was on India vs US mentality. However, the pop-up message leading to '@Indiaflash1812' led people to conclude that Mallya is on Instagram under a 'fake' or burner account - and this burner account, active since 2016, has shared more than 2,000 photos and videos of Indian women driving barefoot. has not been able to verify this information, and it may be just a case of mistaken identity. However, this has not stopped the internet from roasting Mallya. For the last couple of days, dozens of people have shared screenshots of the pop-up message they got about the 'Indiaflash' account after clicking on the Instagram link shared by Vijay Mallya. 'Bro accidentally leaked his burner account,' wrote one X user. A burner account is an anonymous online account, often used by people who don't want to link certain activities to their primary account. Another user shared a screenshot of the message that read, 'Indiaflash1812 shared this Reel with you'. 'If you have a secret instagram account make sure to always send a clean link otherwise your fetishes or privacy/account can get exposed,' a user advised. 'Losing it. This is such a specific fetish. I'd understand feet, but feet while driving a car is sending me….' another joked. Internet sleuths did not stop at just opening the Instagram page filled with pictures of women driving barefoot - they went a step further and found several other ties to Vijay Mallya. In 2017, for example, Mexican F1 racing star Sergio "Checo" Pérez shared a photograph with Vijay Mallya on Instagram and tagged the 'Indiaflash' Instagram account. Pérez has 7.5 million Instagram followers. A post shared by Checo Pérez (@schecoperez) A year later, an Instagram account called 'f1humor_official' also tagged the 'Indiaflash' account in a post about Vijay Mallya. Vijay Mallya is officially on Instagram under the handle '@vijaymallyaofficial'. His Instagram account has 1.45 lakh followers and the bio identifies him as a 'Former two term Member of Parliament, Chairman of The UB Group,Sports enthusiast, Veteran Formula One Team Principal, Championing Youth empowerment.'