I'm in nesting mode - but finding it hard to let go of my 'other baby'

The Herald Scotland

5 days ago

Today, though, it's unmistakable. Almost overnight, my jeans no longer fit and I'm able to lift the underside of my bump and feel his kicks stronger every day. And boy, are they strong.
This side of pregnancy has crept up on me, and it has suddenly put into perspective just how little time there is between now and delivery - and my husband's countdown on the kitchen chalkboard is well into double digits by now. Suddenly, the words 'hospital bag' and 'birth plan' are being brought up in our daily conversations, and I have hand-me-downs stacked in every available corner. And every piece of clothing has a set of ears.
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It also means that I'm now thinking about what happens afterwards - maternity leave. A leave of absence from a place I consider to be my baby, to look after my actual baby.
A hostel doesn't exactly shut down just because you need to. Nowhere does, I suppose. Guests still arrive, beds still need changing, laundry still piles up and bins forever need taking out. And in the winter, when the majority of my maternity leave will be soaked up, we welcome a completely different roster of guests - stargazers and amateur astronomers here to catch a glimpse of the aurora or the Milky Way.
Of course, I've never been on maternity leave before, so I'm not sure if this is a universal experience. But my feelings towards maternity leave are odd. I feel a sense of something - not quite guilt, but a nervousness - at leaving something that my husband and I have poured so much of our thoughts and lives into over this last year. Coinneach will take on all of my managerial duties and the spreadsheets that go with it, and for the busier months we'll look to hire someone to take his own place.
I think, had I been pregnant while working for previous employers on the mainland, it'd be as simple as scheduling a meeting with HR, filling out the paperwork, and leaving without a second thought to begin this new chapter. But here, in a place where we're so ingrained in the day-to-day and have a beautiful routine together, it feels harder to let go.
Our bosses are of course wonderful. They are both mothers themselves, and honestly have reminded me of the importance of putting myself and baby above all else, and that things will absolutely go on without me. If anything, they're encouraging me to take more leave than I had initially planned.
My problem, really, is letting go. Learning to stop saying 'I'll just do it myself' or 'don't worry, I got this', and accepting help from those around me who are very willing to give it. And this week has been a lesson in giving in to the voice that is telling me to slow down.
As I wrote about recently, I'm in total nesting mode, and the next victim of my tirade is our bedroom. I've spent more than I care to admit in different furniture shops, and all my large boxes arrived at once at the pier. And of course, they arrived just days after the storm blew down a tree and blocked road access to our house. But we walked to the pier anyway, and made sure the boxes were raised off the ground and out of the way of any puddles. And even I knew that it wasn't smart for me to lift any of it, no matter how much I may have wanted to.
When it comes to the building, and the painting, and the 'we simply have to hang these shelves tonight', I know that I'll now be listening to my body - and my husband - when they say that I should be putting down the roller brush and taking on a more supervisory role. And the little kicks I can feel as I write this seem to agree.
So here I am, bump finally showing, maternity leave pencilled in, and a roster of helpers who've already claimed they'll spoil the baby - and me - rotten. I'm ready, or at least as ready as anyone can be for the most unpredictable change of their life. And I'm finally accepting the help of those around me, one bulky furniture box at a time.
Elle Duffy is a former Herald journalist who is now living and writing on the Isle of Rum. She can be found on TikTok and Instagram @lifeonrum