Go Ask Alex: I'm pansexual and autistic. How do I date and have great sex?
Hi William,
I'm also neurodivergent. I get it. We live in a world filled with people who, in some respects, communicate better than we do. I use my writing to work around that — my clearest, easiest self-expression happens on the page — but others like us have their own ways of expressing themselves that work best for them.
Find an outlet that allows you to shape your thoughts outside of your head — writing, art, making playlists, whatever. It'll help.
As for dating: Yeah, you might have a harder time being both pansexual and neurodivergent. Then again, you might not. I am both pansexual and neurodivergent, and I do pretty well. My point is that anything can be a hurdle or an inhibition, but nothing has to be: You are not set up for failure or struggle in the arena of intimacy because of who or how you are. You might just not yet have figured out how to use these aspects of your mind in your favor.
I now see my funny brain as a blessing. I don't read non-direct forms of communication very well, so I have no taste for sarcasm or passive aggression. People with these traits are quickly weeded out: I don't need or want to go home with them, and they tend to find me too direct and boring. Our mismatch benefits both of us.
Being direct — needing and fostering clear, straightforward communication — makes me good at kink and more adventurous sex that requires precise, overt, explicitly-stated desires and consent. In bed, I like asking, 'Does that feel good?' and, to be frank, I have to ask — I can't read nonverbal pleasure well. I believe this makes me a good, attentive lover.
Yes, there are drawbacks. I can be too logical in an arena rife with murky emotions that aren't always clear and precise. That's hard.
At a young age, I found it easy to separate and compartmentalize sex and love, so I gained sexual competence quickly. I became a great sex worker. (Most successful sex workers are neurodivergent.) As a result, my sex and love skills are not at the same level. Feelings are harder. My logical, compartmentalizing brain was not prepared for the grown-up battle of bringing sex and love together — of navigating things that can live separately but don't have to — and when they collide, I often find myself without the correct words.
(Even the way I'm phrasing that is so autistic. There are no 'correct' words — there's just words, and I have to try and use them as best as I can. That's relationships!)
William, I'm sorry to say there are no tricks, no shortcuts. But that's true for everyone, autistic and otherwise. In sex and dating, there is no better teacher than just doing it — sometimes you just have to dive.
You will break your own heart and the hearts of others, and that's what you must do to learn how heartbreak feels and, worse, how it feels to hurt someone else. Everyone needs a few good, rough breakups. (The first one will be the worst. The second and third ones will be terrible, but not so bad. Your fourth breakup might finally be gentle.) At this point in my life, I'm wary of anyone who hasn't had a horrible, drawn-out, messy breakup. That's a vital growth experience that everyone needs. How else do you learn how to do it better next time?
The only thing better than a little experience in sex and dating is a lot of it. Have sex with lots of people. Date lots of people. Here's a sentence I think only highly logical people will appreciate: More data points lead to a more competent education. Every person you go home with is a data point, and from each one, you learn. That's how it is for everyone, though romantic, highly emotional people might not like to see it in such stark terms. But that's how it is.
Sluts are the best lovers because they're practiced. People who've had a few breakups know how to do it without so much yelling or slamming doors. People who've had partners who listen well know, from that point on, how good it feels to be heard. You can't know how your autism benefits your love life until you love, and you can't know how it helps you sexually until you fuck. Or get fucked. Or both. So do all of it — lots of it.
Honestly, pansexuality is the bigger challenge, but it's mostly a challenge of language. At a bar or in a club toilet, it's hard to communicate to someone you like what 'pansexual' means, and there's no need to do so unless they ask. But if they ask — and some people will — you should come up with a short sentence explaining what 'pansexual' means to you in the simplest terms.
Some pansexuals say the classic line, 'I care about what's between the ears, not what's between the legs.' I don't use that line because I do care about what's between the legs, at least a little bit. In general, I say: 'If there's a connection, I'll have sex with anyone.' This works for me. And it's the truth.
Having that little sentence ready overcomes the biggest hurdle of being pansexual — explaining it. Most people in the modern world know what 'straight,' 'gay,' 'lesbian,' and 'bisexual' mean. The niche sexualities like 'pansexual' (or, my god, 'sexually fluid,' 'asexual,' and the combinations, like 'asexual homoromantic') need an explainer, and having to explain one's sexuality often feels very unsexy.
Making it more challenging for us is the fact that pansexuals usually seek different things with different genders. (For example: with women, I'm only submissive, but with men I am dominant too.) Keep a few quick, easy explanations for this stuff so that, when it comes up, you can say what you like without turning it into a long conversation. Casual sex hookups will not ask, but potential romantic partners (dates) will, so these little explanations do matter.
Be prepared for rejection — everyone faces it at some point. The universality of rejection makes it no less painful, but over time, it does sting less.You're not meant to be liked and wanted by everyone. Nobody is.
Rejection is a universal human experience and is an inevitable part of the sex and love journey. Along with rejection, connection and love are also human experiences, and they happen more often than you might think. You just have to go looking for them.
Hey there! I'm Alexander Cheves. I'm a sex writer and former sex worker—I worked in the business for over 12 years. You can read my sex-and-culture column Last Call in Out and my book My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, from Unbound Edition Press. But be warned: Kirkus Reviews says the book is "not for squeamish readers.'
In the past, I directed (ahem) adult videos and sold adult products. I have spoken about subjects like cruising, sexual health, and HIV at the International AIDS Conference, SXSW, the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, and elsewhere, and appeared on dozens of podcasts.
Here, I'm offering sex and relationship advice to Out's readers. Send your question to askbeastly@gmail.com — it may get answered in a future post.
This article originally appeared on Out: Go Ask Alex: I'm pansexual and autistic. How do I date and have great sex?
Solve the daily Crossword
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Forbes
4 minutes ago
- Forbes
Leadership Is A Mindset That Needs To Be Nurtured
Jill D. Griffin is the Founder of The Griffin Method. We talk a lot about leadership, but here's what I believe: Leadership is a practice, not a position. It's something you show up for, intentionally, every day. It evolves, deepens and stretches depending on your role, environment and personal growth. I prefer to think of leadership not in levels or titles, but in five situational points, each representing a different level of influence, awareness and responsibility. You don't move through these points linearly. Sometimes you circle back. Sometimes you're navigating more than one at the same time. But understanding them helps you locate yourself, lead with intention and show up in a way that creates real impact. 1. Self-Leadership: Lead Yourself First This is where it starts. Self-leadership is about owning your energy, mindset, presence and outcomes. It's the inner work. It's about how you show up and how you talk to yourself when things go sideways. At this point, you're not just reacting. You're observing. You're thinking through your approach and recalibrating in real time. You're becoming the kind of person you'd want to follow. That means setting boundaries, managing your attention and understanding what matters. If you can't lead yourself with clarity and compassion, leading others will be a struggle. 2. Relational Leadership: Build Credibility And Connection Once you're grounded in yourself, leadership becomes about relationships. This is where you stop performing solo and start collaborating, communicating and building trust, whether or not you're the one 'in charge.' Relational leadership is building credibility through clear, consistent communication and a healthy dose of empathy. I've done a bunch of team dynamics workshops recently, and it always surprises me how often people say, 'We're terrible at communication!' It's not about skill. It's about capacity, especially when you're in a HALT state (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). That's when communication gets frothy. So, yes, you might be a stellar speaker or client whisperer under normal conditions. But how do you communicate under pressure? That's the real test of relational leadership. 3. Team Leadership: Align Toward A Shared Goal This point is about creating team dynamics that align around a common direction. One of the most powerful experiences I had come from working with a team that, on paper, was a dream team. Talent everywhere. But after a slew of reorgs, the team was sharp-elbowed, burned out and fractured. What turned things around was a senior leader who called us into a room and modeled real vulnerability by saying, 'Here's what I need to start, stop and continue doing as a leader. Here's where my behavior's been getting in the way.' No finger-pointing, just accountability. And then we each followed. What happened in that room shifted the whole dynamic. Within six weeks, people were excited about their jobs again. That's the power of creating psychological safety and shared ownership. That's team leadership. 4. Organizational Leadership: Scale Culture And Decision-Making This point is all about systems: connecting silos, shaping performance and creating structures that enable others to lead. At the organizational level, your job is to build a system that allows others to thrive and make great decisions without your constant involvement. I worked with a leader recently who was stuck in the 'I'll just do it myself' loop. It felt faster and safer, but it was blocking their team's growth, and their own. Through coaching, they realized that leadership isn't about doing the work. It's about defining outcomes and empowering others to get there in their own way. That shift opened up space for their team to step up and for them to think more strategically. That's what organizational leadership looks like. It's getting out of the weeds and building a culture where leadership is shared. 5. Generative Leadership: Expand, Uplift And Influence This is the point of stewardship. Your leadership starts to extend beyond your direct sphere. It's mentoring others, shaping culture, influencing standards in your industry and leaving a lasting imprint that continues to grow even when you're not in the room. At this level, leadership is a lifestyle. It's a daily choice about how you show up, the time you dedicate and the impact you create. I call this leadership of expansion, impact and uplift. Generative leadership is active, reciprocal and self-sustaining. It might show up when you're mentoring a rising leader or when a junior engineer reverse-mentors a senior exec on a topic they're an expert in. It might be helping rewrite what leadership looks like for your field. Generative leadership isn't about age or title. It's about choosing to make your leadership magnetic and impossible to ignore. Why Intention Matters More Than Purpose A lot of people talk about being 'purpose-driven,' but I'm not a fan of the word purpose. It's been so overused that it's lost its punch. Purpose can feel fixed, distant or contrived. I much prefer intention, something you can choose and act on in every moment. Intention is how you choose to show up, what you prioritize and the impact you aim to create. In self and relational leadership, intention helps you stay grounded. As you move into team and organizational leadership, it becomes about collective alignment. At the generative level, intention becomes reciprocal; it fuels you, but it also fuels others. Intention evolves, but it never disappears. It's the throughline of real leadership. Navigating Organizations With Intention Navigating organizations strategically is about clarity. Many leaders get tangled in trying to get people to do things their way. But you can't be strategic if you're in fight-or-flight mode. It's biologically impossible. Instead, focus on the outcomes. What needs to happen? When? What's the deliverable? How can you make that clear while giving people the freedom to approach it their way? And don't forget relational capital. Titles don't get work done. Relationships do. You need the support of your peers, junior staff and admin teams. You need to be generous, thoughtful and human. Something as simple as 'If you fly, I'll buy' can set a tone of respect that goes a long way. Nurture Your Leadership Mindset Leadership isn't something you learn once. It's a living, breathing practice. You don't have to hit all five points every day, but you should know where you are and where you're growing. And it starts with one simple question: Who am I becoming as I lead? Forbes Coaches Council is an invitation-only community for leading business and career coaches. Do I qualify?
Yahoo
5 minutes ago
- Yahoo
14 Ways Husbands Emotionally Abandon Their Wives Without Actually Leaving
Marriage is often portrayed as the ultimate partnership, where love, trust, and support are seamlessly woven together. But sometimes, emotional distance creeps in, causing partners to drift apart without even realizing it. If you're noticing a shift in your relationship, it might be worth considering if your husband is unintentionally emotionally abandoning you. Here are 14 ways this can happen, and how to recognize the signs before it's too late. 1. They Shut Off When You're Speaking Conversations are the foundation of any relationship, yet many husbands slip into autopilot when their wives speak. Instead of truly engaging, they nod along while their minds are elsewhere, missing the emotion and nuance of what is being shared. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, active listening involves being present and showing genuine interest in your partner's thoughts and feelings. Without this, communication stalls, often leading to frustration and misunderstandings. A lack of active listening can create a chasm between spouses, making it difficult for emotional bonds to develop or flourish. The disconnect stemming from poor listening habits often manifests as emotional abandonment. You might feel like you're talking to a wall, as your words seem to evaporate into thin air. This lack of acknowledgment can feel like a betrayal, leaving you feeling isolated despite being physically close to your partner. Over time, this can erode the foundational trust built in the relationship, replacing it with resentment and loneliness. Your husband may not realize the impact of his inattention, but the emotional distance it creates is palpable and damaging. 2. They Make Work Their Life In today's fast-paced world, it's easy for spouses to become entangled in their work lives, often at the expense of their home life. A husband who constantly prioritizes work over family time can unknowingly leave his wife feeling unsupported and undervalued. When work commitments become excuses for missing important family events or neglecting quality time with loved ones, it sends a message that other commitments are more important. This imbalance often leads to feelings of emotional abandonment, as the relationship takes a backseat to career ambitions. Being physically present but emotionally absent is a common outcome of putting work first. A husband might come home every night, yet his mind remains at the office, preoccupied with deadlines and projects. This can create a sense of living parallel lives, where partners coexist under the same roof without truly connecting. The emotional gulf widens, leaving you feeling like a mere spectator in your partner's life. While work is undoubtedly important, maintaining a healthy work-life balance is crucial for nurturing emotional intimacy at home. 3. They Won't Discuss The Tough Stuff Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but avoiding tough conversations can lead to emotional estrangement. When husbands steer clear of discussing sensitive issues, they inadvertently shut down communication channels. Research by Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, emphasizes the importance of addressing conflicts head-on to maintain emotional closeness. Brushing problems under the rug only compounds them, creating tension and fostering emotional detachment. In the long run, unresolved issues can fester, pushing partners further apart. Avoidance is a silent yet powerful form of emotional abandonment. It signals a reluctance to engage deeply with your partner on matters that truly matter. This avoidance can leave you feeling invalidated and alone, as if your concerns aren't worth addressing. The inability to have open and honest discussions stifles emotional connection, making it challenging to build a resilient and supportive partnership. Instead of hiding from conflict, embracing vulnerability and addressing issues can strengthen emotional bonds and fortify the relationship. 4. They Take You For Granted It's all too easy to fall into a routine where your partner becomes a fixture in your life rather than a cherished presence. When husbands take their wives for granted, they risk emotionally abandoning them by neglecting to appreciate their contributions. This oversight can manifest in various ways, from failing to acknowledge daily efforts to dismissing emotional needs. When gratitude fades, emotional connection weakens, leaving you feeling overlooked and undervalued. Being taken for granted can erode the intimacy and trust that are vital for a thriving relationship. You might begin to feel like a supporting actor in a narrative where you once played a leading role. This sense of invisibility can lead to feelings of resentment and loneliness, as your contributions go unrecognized and unappreciated. Love and respect are often expressed through simple gestures of appreciation, and when those are absent, emotional distance can grow. It's crucial for partners to actively acknowledge and celebrate each other to maintain a strong emotional connection. 5. They Don't Offer Emotional Support Emotional support is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, yet many husbands unintentionally neglect this vital aspect. When faced with life's challenges, a lack of emotional support can leave you feeling isolated and overwhelmed. Dr. Terri Orbuch, a relationship expert, highlights the importance of emotional support, noting that partners who provide it help foster happiness and stability in relationships. Without it, spouses may feel abandoned during times when they need each other the most. Emotional neglect can quietly chip away at a marriage, keeping partners from fully leaning on each other. The absence of emotional support paints a picture of a relationship devoid of empathy and understanding. You might find yourself navigating life's ups and downs alone, without the comfort of your partner's reassurance. This emotional neglect can lead to feelings of disconnect and abandonment, as your needs for comfort and validation are unmet. Without mutual support, it's challenging to maintain a strong partnership, as emotional intimacy dwindles. Offering a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on can rekindle the emotional connection essential for a thriving relationship. 6. They Don't Make Time For You As daily routines become more hectic, finding time to connect with your partner often gets pushed aside. When husbands fail to prioritize quality time with their wives, it can lead to feelings of emotional neglect. The absence of shared experiences and meaningful interactions can diminish emotional intimacy, leaving you feeling like strangers under the same roof. Time spent together is a critical component of nurturing a healthy relationship, as it fosters connection and understanding. The consequences of not making time for each other can be subtle yet profound. You might find yourselves living parallel lives, caught up in your individual routines without any overlap. This separation can lead to a sense of detachment, as moments for laughter, intimacy, and connection become scarce. Emotional abandonment is often a byproduct of this neglect, as the relationship loses its sense of closeness. Making time for each other is a conscious effort that reinforces the bond and keeps emotional connections alive. 7. They Don't Share Anything Personal In a marriage, sharing personal thoughts and feelings fosters a deeper emotional bond. However, when husbands withhold their inner world, it can create a barrier between partners. Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor known for her work on vulnerability, emphasizes that sharing thoughts fosters connection and intimacy. Without this openness, emotional distances can grow, making it difficult to gauge your partner's feelings and desires. Emotional abandonment surfaces when partners are left in the dark, unable to connect on a deeper level. The reluctance to share personal thoughts often stems from a fear of vulnerability or being judged. When husbands guard their emotions, it leaves you feeling excluded from their inner lives. This lack of openness can breed misunderstanding and mistrust, as the emotional gap widens between you. To nurture a healthy relationship, it's important to create an environment where both partners feel safe to express themselves fully. Embracing vulnerability and sharing your inner thoughts can build a stronger emotional connection and bring you closer together. 8. They Dismiss Your Concerns Feeling unheard or disregarded can be a painful experience, especially when it comes from your spouse. When husbands dismiss their wives' concerns, it sends a message that their feelings and opinions are insignificant. This dismissive behavior can lead to emotional abandonment, as it invalidates your right to express your thoughts and emotions. Over time, being consistently dismissed can erode trust and intimacy, creating an emotional rift. The impact of dismissal is often profound, leaving you feeling undervalued and unimportant in your relationship. It can stifle communication, making it harder to address issues and share experiences openly. This emotional distance can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction, as your attempts to connect are met with indifference. To bridge this gap, it's crucial for both partners to practice active listening and validate each other's feelings. By showing empathy and understanding, couples can strengthen their emotional connection and avoid the pitfalls of emotional abandonment. 9. They Shutdown Or Leave During Conflict Conflict is an inevitable part of any marriage, but how you handle it can either strengthen or weaken your relationship. When husbands become emotionally distant during conflicts, they risk creating an emotional chasm between themselves and their wives. This distance can manifest through silence, withdrawal, or refusal to engage in healthy communication. Without addressing issues openly, conflicts can become unresolved, leaving emotional wounds that fester over time. Emotional distance during conflict often leaves you feeling alone and unsupported. It can make conflicts seem insurmountable, as your partner's withdrawal prevents resolution and healing. This pattern of behavior can lead to feelings of abandonment, as you're left navigating emotional turmoil without your partner's support. To maintain a healthy relationship, it's essential to engage in open and honest communication during conflicts. By approaching disagreements with empathy and a willingness to listen, couples can bridge emotional gaps and strengthen their bond. 10. They Miss Your Emotional Cues Paying attention to your partner's emotional cues is crucial in understanding and responding to their needs. When husbands ignore or miss these cues, it can lead to feelings of emotional neglect. Emotional cues often provide insight into how your partner is feeling, allowing for empathy and support. Without recognizing these signals, emotional connection can suffer, leaving you feeling misunderstood and isolated. Ignoring emotional cues can result in miscommunication and unmet needs. You might feel like your partner is oblivious to your emotions, as your attempts to communicate go unnoticed. This lack of awareness can create feelings of frustration and abandonment, as your emotional needs remain unaddressed. Cultivating attentiveness and sensitivity to emotional cues can foster a deeper understanding between partners. By being present and responsive, husbands can help bridge the emotional gap and strengthen their connection. 11. They're A Closed Book Vulnerability is a cornerstone of emotional intimacy, yet many husbands resist opening up to their partners. This resistance can create an emotional barrier, preventing genuine connection and understanding. By avoiding vulnerability, husbands may inadvertently emotionally abandon their wives, as they withhold their true selves. This lack of openness can lead to feelings of isolation and detachment, as emotional depth and connection are stifled. The inability to embrace vulnerability often stems from fear of judgment or rejection. When husbands resist being vulnerable, it leaves you feeling excluded from their emotional world. This emotional distance can hinder the development of a deep and meaningful relationship, as the lack of openness creates a divide. To foster emotional intimacy, it's important for both partners to embrace vulnerability and create a safe space for sharing. By being open and honest, husbands can strengthen their emotional connection and build a resilient partnership. 12. They Don't Notice Your Achievements Celebrating each other's achievements is an important aspect of a supportive relationship. When husbands disregard their wives' accomplishments, it can lead to feelings of emotional neglect and undervaluation. Acknowledging and celebrating achievements fosters a sense of appreciation and connection, reinforcing the bond between partners. Without this recognition, emotional abandonment can occur, as one partner feels their efforts go unnoticed. Being disregarded can lead to feelings of resentment and disconnection. You might feel like your achievements are insignificant or unimportant in the eyes of your partner. This lack of acknowledgment can create an emotional divide, as you seek validation and support elsewhere. Celebrating each other's successes is essential for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship. By recognizing and appreciating your partner's achievements, you can strengthen your emotional connection and foster a supportive partnership. 13. They Aren't Physically Affectionate Physical affection is a powerful expression of love and connection, yet it can easily be overlooked in a busy marriage. When husbands neglect physical affection, it can lead to feelings of emotional abandonment. Touch, hugs, and kisses foster intimacy and closeness, reinforcing the emotional bond between partners. Without these gestures, the relationship may become emotionally distant, as physical touch plays a crucial role in maintaining connection. The absence of physical affection can leave you feeling unloved and disconnected. It can create a sense of loneliness, as the lack of touch signifies emotional detachment. This neglect can erode intimacy and trust, as physical affection is often a reflection of emotional connection. To maintain a healthy relationship, it's important for both partners to prioritize physical affection and nurture their bond. By expressing love through touch, husbands can bridge the emotional gap and strengthen their connection. 14. They Don't Share The Load A balanced partnership involves sharing responsibilities and supporting each other in various aspects of life. When husbands refuse to share responsibilities, it can lead to feelings of emotional abandonment. The imbalance in the relationship can create resentment, as one partner feels burdened with the majority of tasks. This lack of support can hinder emotional connection, as the relationship becomes strained and unbalanced. Refusing to share responsibilities often signals a lack of partnership and teamwork. You might feel overwhelmed and unsupported, as your partner fails to contribute equally to shared tasks. This imbalance can create emotional distance, as the lack of support fosters frustration and dissatisfaction. To maintain a healthy relationship, it's important for both partners to share responsibilities and work together as a team. By supporting each other, husbands can strengthen their emotional connection and foster a balanced partnership. Solve the daily Crossword
Washington Post
34 minutes ago
- Washington Post
How to tackle pesky grease spots on laundry
Q: How can I remove grease spots from clothing? A: If you act promptly and the fabric is washable, spatters or spills of cooking oil, bacon grease or hamburger juice — and even grease from chores in the garage — can be relatively easy to remove. Just don't expect to rinse them out with plain water.
